Not Not Untitled

Red Sox With 100 Left

2009-06-25T15:28:00.004-04:00

After tonight's game in Washington, the Red Sox will have 62 games under their belts, meaning 100 left in the season. Seems like as good a time as any to take a look at the season so far, and where it seems to be going.

Even as one of the biggest Sox fans I know and yet perpetual Sox worrier, I gotta say I like what we've put together. Emotionally I've got my feet up on the table and my hands behind my head, taking it all in. Not only because the first place throne is embedded with a fluffy five game cushion, and not only because we are currently 17 games over 500, but because of the way everything seems to be gellin' right now. We like Magellan, we're so gellin'.

The leading factor so far for our overwhelming success has been the pitching. It started a bit questionably with our two aces, Beckett and Lester, kinda sorta forgetting the season had actually started. Two and a half months later, Beckett has channeled his 2007 playoffs self and Lester looks every bit as good as he ever has. Between them and a resurgent Tim Wakefield (on pace for a 10-12 win first half and a horrifying All-Star snub) and an increasingly reliable Brad Penny, our first four starters cannot be matched.

A big question will be answered tonight in John Smoltz's first start, but lets not put too much at stake if he doesn't dazzle in the spot where Dice-K's cadaver has been stored. The Smoltz issue will play out like LOST, we may get an answer tonight, but odds are, good or bad, it will open up doors to new questions. Not only is Clay Buchholtz (extremely) patiently waiting in Pawtucket but Justin Masterson can always be remolded into a starter.

Meanwhile our bullpen is unquestionably the unsung hero our the 2009 campaign so far, and one Theo and the boys should be the proudest of. While the Yankees wasted hundreds of millions (literally!) on starting pitching that has gone 11-8 with an ERA around 4, the Sox front office spent a fraction of that to acquire reliable, proven closers like Takashi Saito and Ramon Ramirez, and working on homegrown talent like Daniel Bard and Michael Bowden. Come the trading deadline you'll hear how all of the contenders are looking for bullpen arms, all of them except us.

Running down the lineup, we can all agree that we're getting unbelievable production from Jason Bay, Ellsbury, Nick Green, Youkilis, Lowell and Varitek. That leaves JD Drew who is right where we want him, Jed Lowrie who has been hurt most of the year, and Rocco Baldelli who hasn't had much chance to shine. The only two guys who haven't lived up to our astronomical expectations are Big Papi and Pedroia. Papi has been a true enigma, but recently looks like the David Ortiz of yore (the good yore, after he stunk for the Twins), and even Pedroia has begun to heat up.

Some other things to look forward to:

Sox are 15-5 in the last seven series against five teams with records better than 500.
Sox are 13-4 against the current 3 other AL playoff teams so far with all 4 loses coming on the West Coast. Have I mentioned we dont have to go West anymore this year?
Sox have a pretty steady lead in the American League and since the AL doesn't lose All Star Games, we can just chalk up home field for the World Series. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that we're 25-10 at home this season?
And last and certainly not least, there's that little matter of the Sox being 8-0 against the Yankees this year.

I'll be there tonight for game 62, rooting for the Sox with 75% of the crowd in DC, and starting to get used to this free and easy feeling. I would sum up my feelings more succinctly, but pregame beers and cornhole wait for me at Nats Stadium.

MTV's The Duel Season Ender

2009-06-12T15:38:00.004-04:00

There's television, good television, and, if you're lucky, "Do not delete recording" television. Most of this season of MTV's The Duel 2 was barely television. There was a distinct lack of partying, night-vision hook ups, backstabbing, and any competitive drama after the Artest-ian melee between CT and Adam eight minutes into the season. Instead we were inundated with lame confrontations, contrived relationship disputes, and a player competing for diaper money. Yawn.

The final episode finally raised the bar, with a surprise extra duel, including the first full contact male duel. (And it was outstanding, with Brad pulling maybe the greatest and smarted competitive move ever, in throwing Landon's ring. Truly genius work from a guy who spelled T-H-R-O-N in a spelling bee challenge two weeks earlier.) And while the final challenge was par for the obstacle course, there were some great take-away moments. Rachel's wire-to-wire victory was nothing short of impressive, even if it was predictable, and even if she might have the anatomy to compete in the men's side too. Evan's reaming out of Brittni was both hilarious and typical d-bag Evan. And Mark's commitment to Aneesa showed class and character usually absent from the entire MTV network. You know the rest: the winners got oversized checks (one of the top 10 best things in life), the credits rolled, and then, and only then, did the show take its first steps into "Do not delete recording" territory.

Following the season finale, MTV aired an aftershow, The $#!t They Shoulda Showed, which is perfectly named. The hour long season retrospective with hysterical confessionals and video of the things we really wanted to see all season; the parties, hook ups, black outs, and silly time wasters that humanize the cast.

The main reason that the show was such a success was that it feature Issac in all of his drunken glory and comedic brilliance. If MTV were smart, they would have him live in the house for the inevitable next go around and not compete, only provide debauchery and commentary. Between Issac's epic black outs, his character 'Samuel the Cat', his Flava-Flav costume complete with black-face, and blunt honesty make him the uncontested MVP of the season.

Meanwhile, the aftershow also shed light into what the contestants do during the days, which was the first time we'd really seen how much fun the house can be. It's easy to rip these steroid-pumped meatheads for being dumber than the Kicker iPod docks door prizes, but they have some unbelievably creative ways to party and pass time. The mustache, the cardboard box game, the fashion show, the oneses, Evan and Mark's "Apartment Party" are all examples of things they really should have shown. (And honestly, why didn't they? Did they not want more shows and more revenue? Come on Bunim-Murray, you're better than that.)

Anyway, there's so much more packed into the hour but I dont want to ruin all the fun. It's MTV so it airs almost everyday, so I suggest making a DVR date. If all this hasn't been enough of a sell, I give you two more words: Pube Tacos.

Meanwhile tomorrow night comes the grand finale to the roller-coaster of a season, The Reunion. Maybe we'll finally get more video of the Adam/CT fight. Maybe we'll finally find out if Landon is gay. Maybe we'll get some insight into why Aneesa looked like such a crack-whore in the aftershow. Either way, the momentum from the Aftershow last week makes this must-see-tv and more potential "Do not delete recording" television.

Summer Goals for Everyone

2009-06-02T15:08:00.004-04:00

Flipping your calendar from May to June feels good in the same way crossing something off a to-do list does; while largely insignificant, its highly psychologically rewarding. June means summer and that means girls in sun dresses, the meat of the Red Sox season, Sam Summer on draft, the lowering of inhibitions, and if you're lucky enough, wearing shorts to work. Here's the thing about summer, it goes by quick if you don't make the most of it. You can fly through June-July-August like pitchers fly through the Ortiz-Varitek-Lugo part of the lineup, so lets set some goals (we can keep the bar low) in hopes to get the most of the time of the year.

1) Drink and eat outside as much as possible. The main reason: Everything tastes better outside. Whether its a tailgate, a bbq, an outdoor table at a restaurant, a patio or rooftop bar, or a picnic (do girls read this site?) a breeze and fresh air really goes a long way. Poetically, there's definitely something serene about the absence of walls, and more practically the people watching is stellar, especially with ogle-hiding sunglasses.

2) Catch up on a past series of television (or three). All the good stuff is over by now so take the time to pick up on something you've missed. Thanks to On Demand and DVD's there are a couple ways to make up for lost time. Some often overlooked series: AMC's Mad Men, Showtime's Californication, and my deep deep sleeper, Starz's Party Down. But by all means if you live in aWi-Fi configured cave and haven't tried Lost, Arrested Development, or How I Met Your Mother (start with season 2), now is your chance.

3) Get active. So maybe its hot out and a run isn't feasible, but there are still lots of choices from a beer softball league to shooting hoops to playing golf without a cart. I'm gonna get preachy here for a second: I happened across the ole high school yearbook last week and we're all noticeably fatter now mainly because our outdoor activities are becoming increasingly seldom. Summer is our chance to get in better shape, maybe get a tan too. Like they say in Knocked Up, "We didn't say lose weight, I might say tighten. Just like toned and smaller." Look, this isn't an intervention but dont sleep on summer's opportunities to get out and play.

4) Go away. Ideally a road trip is the best bet because it incorporates seeing somewhere new, bonding with others, inevitable problem solving, and blasting Summer of 69 with the windows down. Miles logged are far less important than the journey itself. Road trips be themed as in ballpark tours, reunions with college buddies, golf trips, beach weekends, the Shawshank Redemption trail or sporadic, haphazard stops. Road trips work because the process is usually greater than or equal to the results and like when the pizza guy shows up on late night Cinemax, the possibilities are endless.

5) Knock out the summer staples early. Lightning round: A lawn concert, a beach trip, a few games of cornhole, a baseball game at a new stadium, a new set of flip-flops, a summer fling (nobody likes a prude!), a messy meal of crab or lobster, a top-40 song you like wayyyyy too much, a book that wouldn't sniff a scholastic reading list, and a last-minute day off from work.

Is Dwight Howard Over-Rated?

2009-05-14T14:44:00.003-04:00

Dwight Howard has become an iconic NBA figure with his monstrous dunks, Superman costume, and childlike enjoyment of the game. Its always hard to crap on a guy you like (and I really like Howard and his swagger), but isn't Dwight Howard overrated?

Looking at the Celtics Magic series its hard not to see him that way, especially looking back at game five. I know Howard is a dependable double-double every night of the season; I know he fills out every inch and pound of his 6' 11", 265 pound frame; I know his dunks can make you involuntarily rise from your seat. However its the things Howard can't do that have left the bigger impression on me.

The biggest problem is that he can't score in an offensive set, at least not with Kendrick Perkins and Glen Davis guarding him. His game fiver effectiveness was minimal, even worse than his stat line says: 37 minutes, 5-10 FG, 17 reb, 4 TOs, 12 points. Let's start with Dwight Howard's meager 12 points, which came on five baskets. Three of those five hoops came on offensive rebound putbacks or fastbreak dunks, meaning 40 percent of his baskets (only two hoops in 37 minutes!!!) came from offensive sets. Here's who else had two baskets in offensive sets: Brian Scalabrine. Here's who had five baskets in offensive sets: Stephon Marbury. (And in case you were wondering, of his 31 field goals, only 20 of them are from offensive sets, making him pretty harmless in a halfcourt set.) Seems to me that a solid box out from Perk (6'10" 280 lbs) or Big Baby (6'9" 285 lbs) would cut his already limited offense by about a third.

Howard called out Stan Van Gundy after game five for not getting him the ball enough especially down the stretch. Again, another Howard boo-boo. While Van Gundy looked like MacGruber trying to get the bomb out of the missile silo during the fourth quarter, Howard's lack of touches ranks extremely low on the list of errors (listing said mistakes would put me over my imaginary word count).

Now you might counter that Dwight Howard is known for his defense too, and that's a good point since he was the defensive player of the year. Howard's 11 blocks are the same number that Perkins has had in less time. He may have the edge in steals but Howard's shot changing ability is apparently matched by our rarely praised center. Oh and don't forget Howard's turnover margin is disastrous, with Rondo being the only Celtic dishing out more mistakes than him.

In the end, clearly a team that has Dwight Howard is lucky to have him, but in this playoff series I am underwhelmed. He should have been the one major advantage the Magic have over the Celtics, especially with Garnett on the sideline, and yet has been neutralized by Perk. We're talking about a guy who was first team All-NBA against a guy who was our worst starter heading into the playoffs. I'm sure Van Gundy's game plan isn't helping him, but eventually a star exerts himself on the game, instead of the letting the game exert itself on him.

Cant Win Em All

2009-05-04T23:06:00.001-04:00

Statistical truth: Its very hard to win a basketball game when your opponent shoots lights out from the three point line in the first half and you are running on tired legs. That's not an excuse, its a statistical truth. It's also hard to win a basketball game when your two players who step it up the most are Brian Scalabrine and Stephon Marbury. (Seriously how great was Scalabrine? His intensity on defense and hustle and knack for open shots on offense was the driving force behind the Celtics second half energy.)

The good news? For a team that looked fairly overmatched for most of the game, the C's kept it close, kept it interesting, and kept the faith. We can look at it as something to build on or something to pack up after. "Get busy living or get busy dying, you damn right." If we had let the Magic continue that early second half beatdown, it would have been easy to quit or say the Bulls series was enough. Basically the team could have pulled a Shaughnessy. Instead they stared down the deficit and the deficit blinked. Now this series doesn't seem so daunting.

Four simple tactical changes that could turn the series real quickly:

1) Take advantage of the mismatches on offense. Ray Allen wasn't great but you have to work him on Reddick more than we did. Calling Reddick a defensive liability is like calling swine flu a medical inconvenience. Same goes with opening the floor for Rondo against Alston; let Dwight Howard sink down and open up shorties for Perk and Big Baby. When you dictate the play, advantage you.

2) Go at the basket. In the first half we didn't and because of it we were down by 18 at the half, didn't shoot a single free throw, and the Magic committed only three team fouls. In the second half we did go at the hoop and drew fouls, were awarded free throws, and made legitimate scoring runs.

3) Intangibles, intangibles, intangibles. We have edges in playoff experience, game closers, and intensity. We're the defending champs, which doesn't score you any extra points on the scoreboard, but adds motivation and pride. And maybe the biggest edge we have is in team chemistry, although the five drunk yuppies singing "Just a Friend" in the Heineken commercial seem to have more chemistry than Magic starters. By the way that commercial kicks ass and sends a good message; they can't show it enough.

4) Take Big Baby out after three fouls with 11 seconds left in the half. It's that easy. And while we're here, no more big men wasting fouls on shoddy picks, reach ins, or soft and-one fouls.

5) Manage the runs. Call it the Pepto-Bismol strategy but this game was won by the team that was able to withstand the other team's offensive runs, and the Magic 3-point surges outlasted ours. It starts with Rondo being less haphazard with the ball when we're streaking and also means not getting frustrated if Pietrus and Alston hit a few buckets in a row (by the end of the game the Magic shot only 33% from downtown). Finally, it means taking advantage of a coach commonly dubbed a "Master of Panic" by his own players.

Let's stay positive. We were down 0-1 to the Bulls too, and by now we know that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Crush of the Week: Lizzy Caplan

2009-05-03T20:15:00.007-04:00

New feature here at Not Not Untitled, a little something I like to call Crush of the Week. This is a way to document all of the eye-catching girls I see on a weekly basis and immediately forget. You can call me a missionary because I am trying to spread the good word of a pretty face.

Meet Lizzy Caplan, or I should say re-meet Lizzy Caplan, the first ever documented crush of the week. You may remember Lizzy from role as Janis Ian from Mean Girls. Remember that premonition that something cute was hiding behind the gothed out potential lesbian? Well you were right and the proof lies in Lizzy's newest role as Casey in Starz's outstanding (and under-appreciated) new series Party Down.

Casey is a girl you could really get hung up on, with her girl next door looks, snarky charm, and fake attainability, and I have a feeling Lizzy doesn't have to strain to hard to pull that off (By the way, Party Down is downright hilarious and must watch for a Starz subscriber. Think The Office set at a Hollywood catering company, but actually funny). In interviews, she comes across as down to earth and low maintenance, traits hard to find individually in Hollywood women.

Some other credits: Marlena in JJ Abrams' Cloverfield and a brief role on HBO's True Blood last summer.

And a few more bonus points for Lizzy: Did you know she lives next to Audrina from The Hills? Also Wikipedia says that she's a reform Jew and that she named her cat, Lisa Turtle, all things I can deal with. In conclusion, Lizzy Caplan, we salute you as Crush of the Week, and maybe one day when we're dating we can look back at this whole thing and laugh.

On Obama, the Sox, and Paul Pierce

2009-04-29T20:36:00.005-04:00

On TV: I am sitting and watching the President speak right now with a steady eye on the clock. He BETTER not interrupt the 9PM viewing hour. No one who hasn't solved any huge problems is allowed to preempt a new episode of LOST. Also, why isn't he doing these impromptu speeches on Tuesdays, aka the TV graveyard? You know who this wouldn't have been a problem with? John McCain. The guy would probably have been in bed right now. I swear if this guy goes on past 9:01 I am getting a cab, heading towards the White House and [Patriot Act censor]ing his ass.

Sidenote- all of the major networks are on the Obama train right now, except for Fox. I love (LOVE!) the fact that they aren't even pretending anymore. Can you imagine the Fox exec who says, "Obama? Naw, lets go with episode of Lie to Me." Faccccccccce.

On the Red Sox: Just been great results-wise so far thanks to a steady dose of big bats from everyone except for David Ortiz. Remember this outstanding commercial? Is it remotely possible we are being duped like the Japanese right now? You don't complain about winning or after one loss following 11 wins, but if things were to go awry, I would like to think its because of our sneaky not that good pitching. These bats have really been playing the role of the Franconian bailout.

Even though Wakefield is pulling a Benjamin Button, Lester and Beckett have been wildly inconsistent. Not great from guys we were hoping to get 35 wins from. Meanwhile Brad Penny has been wildly consistent, which is to say he's been wild and erratic. You know the phrase "Penny for your thoughts"? If I were Theo, I would trade Brad Penny for anyone's random thoughts; they wouldn't even have to be optimistic ones. BP looks uncomfortable on the mound and needs to stop throwing BP to during games.

On Paul Pierce in last night's game 5: The guy showed all the signs of someone who ate Chili's Chicken Crispers right before the game. He played the first 40 minutes of the game slow, lazy and bloated, like his main concern wasn't draining a trey but dropping a deuce. I even texted a few friends that it seemed like he didn't care like we are used to seeing from the Truth. Then, sure enough, like all Crisper meals do, it passed in roughly two hours time, rejuvenating Pierce back into killer instinct mode. And that's what we got: a guy unencumbered by grease, batter, and double fries (cuz no one wants that gnarly cob of corn).

I owe Paul an apology for not having faith in a man who has certainly earned as much. Also as a Chili's veteran, I should have been able to recognize that Crisper lethargy is fleeting. My bad on that one.

Prison Break Running Diary

2009-04-27T19:03:00.003-04:00

Including myself, there are only three people I know who still care about Prison Break, Fox's television drama that premiered more than three years ago. Originally a fun, cool new show, PB quickly jumped the shark once the writers had Scofield and crew, predictably, break out of prison midway through season two. Since, PB has ambled two more season through re-incarceration and second break, a fake decapitation, whilst the main characters change teams more often than Theo Ratliff. Understandably most viewers quit shortly after the writers and continuity producers did, thus the current PB final run. Last week's episode, "The Mother Lode" was tremendously horrific that I decided I couldn't let another episode go unrecorded. So without further ado, the running play-by-play AND color commentary of PB episode "Vs."

0:01- We open with a sniper given the green light to shoot Lincoln, what could go wrong, right? Well how about Michael Rappaport just so happening to see said sniper as Lincoln walks behind a tree... phew that was a close one.

0:02- Sniper in shootout with Mahone, who's now on the roof. Oddly sniper isn't such a good shot.

0:05- Sarah's oddly timed panic attack is just a potential preggo scare. We have to see her holding a pregnancy test because, lets be honest, her acting isn't conveying anything... ever.

0:11- I hate, HATE those commercials where they offer to buy someone a computer if they can find a good one under $1500. Why does the mom act shocked to be getting a free computer at the end when they told her "you find it, you keep it"? Are PB writers moonlighting for ad reps?

0:15- Linc arguing with Mahone, T-bags, and Rappaport about how to acquire Sylla. The last month or two of this show is just varying permutations of this same scene, over and over. And these guys have less chemistry than the Yankees clubhouse.

0:15- Mahone just happens to stumble upon Michael and Sarah in downtown Miami. I'm sure its a small city though.

0:18- Apparently "The Company" which uses intricate ciphers and codes, also leaves behind clues that are google-able. Michael and Sarah have a lead... I wonder if this will take them to a showdown with Linc and the boys.

0:19- So the guys arrive at the embassy in India. Guess the writers didn't feel like researching whether or not there is an Indian embassy in Miami. Spoiler alert: there's not.

0:21- T-bags distraction is a diatribe with the security guard at the "embassy." His rants are hilarious. Did you know elephant dung could be processed into parchment?

0:26- A painting of Taj Mahal is prominently placed in a scene. Is it possible that they wanted to allude back to the model Michael built for the warden in season one? No way did they think of that, right?

0:29- Mrs. Scofield is offering technology to India that would "catapult [India] 50 years ahead of its time," leading me to wonder why the US government would just be hiding it from the world.

0:33- Commerical for Cisco that includes the actor who places "The General" singing "I Will Survive." So much for him being scary, and nice job Fox's ad sales team.

0:38- A captured Linc, Mahone, and Rappaport are brought into an office and told "Move an inch and I will kill you" and then left alone, unguarded. It must be nice for the show's writers to not have to care about job performance.

0:39- The guys leave the room.

0:39- Oh yeah, also that well run business meeting to sell the contents of Sylla? Well they just happened to forget their post-it note detailing the next step of the plan. Showdown at the airport coming!!!

0:41 Scofield's mom just called him unintentionally and knew his voice after not seeing him since childhood. I'm sure baby Michael had that deep voice though.

0:43- Two white men pull up to airport in a black SUV; Michael and Sarah know they are badguys coming for them. I believe they call that racial profiling.

0:49- Big car chase at the airport, Sarah versus Company agents. I'm sure no one will notice.

0:50- Michael and Sarah about to be shot execution style on the tarmac. Saved last second by Mahone and a sniper rifle. Sets up a Michael Linc reunion. Linc and crew steal the hostage and bad acting steals the scene.

0:55- T-bag deep in thought, clearly contemplating turning on the guys, his go to move. The makeup person who designed the gashes on his face clearly put one on that looks a little too much like a vagina. Not saying, just saying.

0:57- In a not shocking turn of events, T-bags gives up the guys plan to The General. I'm thinking someone won't be surviving.

0:59- Another trip to the can for Sarah and this time the reveal of a positive preggo test. Tears: joy or sadness?

1:00- Rappaport and Mahone believe Sandinsky's story even though, we the viewer, knows its a lie. Apparently an former FBI agent and former homeland security agent can't discern a phony backstory. That's comforting, Fox.

1:01- A not-so-subtle smile by our new con, Sandinsky, and we get the scary PB theme, andddd SCENE. As usual, job barely done.

DC's Earth Day Mess-tival

2009-04-19T15:22:00.007-04:00

Its the week of Earth Day but you probably knew it because there were signs at the local Whole Foods... or you didn't know about it because the holiday is a niche PR-celebration catering to mostly those who already know and already care (like Whole Foods customers). That is the fundamental problem with Earth Day, but since I am hip to the green movement, and it was an awesome weather day in DC I ambled down to the National Mall for DC's Earth Day Fest.

I'm not sure if its the big part of me that's a nerd, or the little part of me that is a closeted green-movement supporter, but I was looking forward to checking out what today's Fest had to offer.

Let's just say, there's a lot of room for improvement. Here's the big problem, I'm not big on hypocrisy. For example, people fight to save the Earth shouldn't be passing out pamphlets that (if they are lucky) 5% of people may gloss through, before trashing. Or worse perhaps, the loads of trash cans without the presence of a recycling bin for all of the cans and bottles. Also the inane amounts of sound equipment for a concert (why not scale it down a bit or go acoustic in the sake of electricity), the inaner amounts of smokers (inherent littering of cigarette butts, not to mention the clouds of smog), and the inanest amounts of un-picked up massive piles of dung from DC Police horses (So there are laws mandating that dog owners pick up their feces, but police horses can leave monstrous piles wherever?).

Honorable mention to Chevy Chase who spoke to the crowd (not really) and introduced an environmentalist who's name he couldn't pronounce, not even from the script he was unpreparedly reading from. At least David Ortiz seems like he's trying. Thanks for the effort, Chevy. I hope you got credit for those SkyMiles.

The inconvenient truth about today's Earth Day Fest was that the potential was mostly unfulfilled. There were some cool science projects discussing sustainable foods and modern solar and wind energy progressions. However, no matter how many free water-bottles and re-usable grocery bags are distributed by corporate sponsors (who's efforts would feel a lot more authentic if their names weren't plastered everywhere), if they aren't practicing what they preach, what's the point? Sure my new, free 1500% recycled polycarbonate mumbo jumbo frisbee gives me some peace of mind, but I'd feel a lot better about the day if I didn't have to throw my Dasani bottle and my handful of brochures into the same trash can.

The Artist Formerly Known as Office

2009-04-17T15:34:00.006-04:00

In life there are disappointments, deep disappointments, and then whatever we label that car wreck into a train derailment on the site of a plain crash that was this weeks episode of The Office, titled "Heavy Competition." I know I have turned Office bashing into a weekly sermon, but this week was the tippiest of all tipping points.

"Heavy Competition" was a prime example of all that is wrong with the entire season. Unfunny bizarre, and sloppy are words to describe this season's atrocious lay out. I've been left to wonder if The Office writing room has been reduced to Alzheimer's patients, monkeys attempting Shakespeare, and former Prison Break scribes.

Lets start with the chief storyline, the removal of Michael Scott from Dunder-Mifflin. Taking the star of the show out of his habitat was a risky decision that has not paid off. Do we care about the Michael Scott Paper Company? No. Do we lose a tremendous amount in the Michael-Dwight back and forth? Yes. Remember when Entourage took Vince away from Ari? How'd that work?

Next, onto Michael's replacement, the former Stringer Bell, Idris Elba. Elba was a great free agent pick up for The Office, yet the producers have put him into a role in which he cannot succeed. His character, Charles Miner is boring, bland, and and a total douche. As Stringer Bell, Elba was calculating yet impulsive, cerebral yet savage, and both book and street smart. He demonstrated his range and layers; skills which have been buried in a one dimensional character. A solution you want? How about letting him take his character for a stroll and womanize Kelly and Angela who are smitten by his presence? The more Mindy Kaling the better.

What about the others in previously fun Dunder-land? Andy's value is crippled when he is paired with the insufferable Jim. Creed used to have one outstanding, memorable line per episode that the writers have apparently discontinued. Kevin and Stanley are like Rose and Bernard on Lost; previously loved, now missing. And remember when Kelly used to be funny? Me too.

Will I stop watching? No. I won't quit on something with years of street cred because of a little cold streak. If I did, I'd be no better than Yankee fans (in fact, its still seventh on my DVR Series Priority behind Lost, How I Met Your Mother, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 30 Rock, Mad Men, Real World/Road Rules). I just with the season cut its losses and we get back on track next year. The lesson though, as always, quit while you're ahead. A lesson of which Greg Daniels would have been smart to borrow the British version.

Second Fiddle, First Favorite

2009-04-03T17:31:00.004-04:00

I've noticed a trend in television recently: it seems like the best characters are secondary or fringe characters. Maybe its easier to write for minor personalities or maybe they are effective because of their diminished roles, but whatever it is, its working.

Lets start with The Office, a show who's major characters (Jim, Michael, Pam) have jumped the shark, but might as well have been eaten by sharks. This season Ed Helms' character Andy Bernard is carrying most of Dunder-Mifflin on his back, while getting some help from the heavy hitters Kevin and Stanley for sidebar laughs. Helms' battle with Dwight over Angela and Cornell interviews and his stint as Oscar's wingman are on the season's painfully short highlight reel.

The next witness called to the stand is The Office's better half, 30 Rock. 30 Rock has a much wider cast, but again its the little guys who bring it to the next level. No one brings more consistent comedy from the outskirts than Jack McBreyer's Kenneth, but the real hidden gem is, and has always been, Chris Parnell's Dr. Spacemen. The man knocks it out of the park everytime like Roy Hobbs.

Another character that always pleases is South Park's Randy Marsh. Everyone who still watches knows Randy eps are the best, from the Little League episode in season nine, to season 11's Easter Special, to season 12's Internet episode, and already this season's "Margaritaville" romp on the economy. South Park is good but with Randy its always great. (I know I left out tons of great Randy moments, there are wayyyyy too many to name)

I don't like publicly admitting I still watch Scrubs since its a season-long obituary at this point, but the show's sole weekly smile comes from Ted, the hospital's nebbish lawyer. While JD and company are nostalgically going through the motions, Ted still brings the laughs. Maybe his can't-do attitude will never get old but Sam Lloyd seems like the only actor who knows there's actually film in the camera.

More examples, quickfire style, Jeff and Lester on Chuck, Howard Wolowitz on Big Bang Theory, Lo on The Hills, T-Bags on the AWOL-ed Prison Break, and even the recently missing-in-time Desmond on LOST. One big trend, one odd coincidence, or just ridiculous opinion?

First Weekend Reactions to March Madness

2009-03-22T21:03:00.001-04:00

I haven't worked in the four days and shaved in the last eight. I've shoveled down more buffalo wings and Bud Lights than I want to declare. I have left ass impressions in bar stools across DC. The tangible results? One commemorative pint glass, a couple extra pounds, a bracket at the bottom of every pool I'm entered in, and face full of nasty stubble. Picture me as the unemployed Ron Burgandy, without the stale milk.

Besides general malaise, my mini-vacation can be characterized by pretty consistent intoxication and almost as consistent disappointment in the games (mostly the results). I've lost a lot of close games, a few blowouts, and many in between; ESPN has even told me that my bracket in the 13th percentile, which is below George W. Bush's approval rating and dipping into weatherman success territory. Perhaps the only thing I'm still qualified for in regards to the tournament is reactions, since few people have logged the hours I have with CBS. Here are some thoughts:

-The number one seeds all look pretty good. They've had some scares but their recoveries and finishing of games (Louisville over Siena, UNC over LSU, Pitt over OKState) are what make them the best four teams.

-If you have a five seed, let's go ahead and just book your ticket as a round trip.

-The team that needs this five day break the most has to be Kansas. Two hideously ugly wins for them, and a few practices is exactly what Bill Self needs. If they didn't get Dayton today, I don't think they'd still be around. Dayton was so bad that Obama would have described their performance as Special Olympic inspired.

-More on the Obama front, his bracket is mediocre, but what would be more impressive: Obama nailing every single game of the tournament or solving the Middle East Peace Crisis and the economy problems?

-Biggest letdown had to be Western Kentucky not getting back on defense after tying Gonzaga in the final seconds. How does that happen? Where was that guy from the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial to shoot off the flashbulb and send the game to overtime?

-Speaking of which, BWW had more commercials since Thursday than Foxwoods has during an entire Red Sox season. Even Tyler Perry's House of Payne thought it was overkill. Honorable mentions to Cingular's dad with the cameraphone, Burger King breakfast shots, Captain Morgan's douchey "four guys" (please tell me which bar in American doesn't charge a group of four dudes for drinks).

-Some superlatives: Best ending- Siena/OSU's 2OT shootout; Most dominating team- UCONN; Best tourney mantra- Jay Bilas' "A team's performance doesn't validate or invalidate its inclusion"; Best absence- Billy Packer; Best individual performance- ND State's Ben Woodside's almost one man takedown of Kansas; Best halftime distraction- PhotoHunt; Worst Site- tie between the empty American Airlines Arena in Miami and awkward Metrodome setup in Minneapolis.

-How bout the job CBS did at the end of the Sunday 5PM games? Maybe the only performance worse than West Virginia this week. They tossed us around between the Siena/L'ville, Mizzou/Marquette, and USC/MSU games like we were the LOSTies during the spinning donkey wheel and white flash debacle... except that we were constantly stuck in the most inopportune moments.

-The only way to describe Marquette's Lazar Hayward stepping on the line during an inbounds with 5.5 seconds left: A-Rodian. (Also special shout out to Marquette's coach Buzz Williams for looking like a bald version of Shaun of the Dead actor Nick Frost)

-A storyline you should but won't hear about is that of the four mid-major at large bids, two of them lost in round one and another was embarrassed in the second round, all by major conference teams (BYU to A&M, Butler to LSU, and Dayton to KU, respectively). I love what Bilas said about performance's unparallelled relationship to validation but there were lots of pundits upset about the lack of mid-majors in the tourney and we'll see if this is followed up on this week.

-Looking ahead, we have some awesome matchups for the Sweet Sixteen, how do you pick a favorite? Cuse/Oklahoma? Mizzou/Memphis? Duke/Nova? Kansas/MSU?

My Pre-Bracket Seedings

2009-03-15T17:27:00.002-04:00

So I don't like Joe Lunardi, argued this week that his Bracketology is a sham... yadda yadda yadda. Now I am going to try to prove that anyone can do it, put my money where my mouth is. This could be a huge SOGB or could be a triumphant success . Obviously I am not using that Turdbuggler's chart nor any similar ones offered on cnnsi.com or sportsline.com. This is just me using the RPI index, team schedules, and a list of conference winners.

I have been hiding out since you cant get away from bracket predictions. I tried watching OSU/Purdue but they wouldn't stop hypothesizing so I am not watching that now and instead putting in OSU/Purdue Winner and Loser based on how the game ends. I hope I didn't miss anyone glaring because I did this pretty quickly and hopefully this doesn't blow up in my face. Here goes...

1's: L'ville, UNC, Memphis, UCONN
2's: Pitt, Duke, Oklahoma, Mich State
3's: Mizzou, Wake, Cuse, Kansas
4's: Nova, Washington, Utah, OSU/Purdue Winner
5's: UCLA, FSU, Oklahoma St, Gonzaga (note- they should be worse but the committee loves them)
6's: Xavier, OSU/Purdue Loser, West Virginia, Illinois
7's: Sienna, Utah St, Clemson, Butler
8's: ASU, Temple, BYU, LSU
9's: USC, Maquette, Tenn, Tex A&M
10's: BC, California, Creighton, Texas
11's: Dayton, Minnesota, San Diego State, Michigan
12's: Cleveland St, Mississippi St, W. Kentucky, Maryland (UMD last in)
13's: ND State, American, N. Iowa, VCU
14's: Robert Morris, Akron, Binghampton, (Stone Cold) Stephen F. Austin
15's: Radford, Portland St, E Tenn St, Cornell
16's: Chattanooga, Morehead St, Morgan St, Alabama St, Cal State Northridge

Bubbles Burst:
+St. Marys (no way they deserve a bid for a soft schedule and 3 wins again top 100; sidenote- if I get burned I know it will be here, but I need a legit explanation on how they deserve it more than Maryland, Minny, or SDSU)
+Wisconsin (only 18 wins and an RPI of 45, thanks but no thanks)
+Illinois St (Beat Creighton 2 of 3, but swept by 201st rank Indiana St and 0 wins of tourney teams besides Creight)

Why Joe Lunardi Stinks (Abridged Version)

2009-03-09T19:59:00.006-04:00

March Madness is the perfect storm of sports gambling, underdog rooting, school spirit having, competition. There's so many things to enjoy about the NCAA tourney that you can overlook the few pitfalls like the play-in game, which registers BCS levels of absurdity. There is just one thing the tournament buffet has to offer that I will not enjoy, my moral enemy, Joe Lunardi (I don't think he knows yet though).

Lunardi shows up uninvited into our homes every February and March like tax returns and pneumonia. ESPN's resident Bracketologist is treated with the esteem of a founding father while having the personality and necessity of those white powdered wigs. For those not familiar, Lunardi created "Bracketology" or the methodology of predicting which 64 teams will earn spots in the brackets. In fairness, I will tip my cap to this application but that is where Lunardi's relevance should begin and end. Now Lunardi l urks on the interweb prognosticating the bracket as his expertise sees fit. Want to know if your team will make the cut? Well Lunardi has the remarkable answer.

Oh yeah, except for that pesky little part about how every time a college game is played, the future March landscape is changed (think Back to the Future 2). No sweat to J-Lu, he will just re-write (don't be fooled by the fancy word 'update') his bracket to make up for it. Sounds fancy! So lets apply this: when in December, as Georgetown stormed out to a 10-1 record, Joe slated them in for a 2 seed. Then the Hoyas stumbled through the rest of the season (6-12!!) and of course Lunardi bailed on them quicker A-rod bailed on cousin Yuri.

So what am I trying to say? Lunardi is the thing we hate the most about sports, he's a bandwagon jumper. Maybe its not his fault as much as it is the hyped up system he created, a momentary snapshot of an intricate and finicky process. His job is to tell us what we know, who is currently good and who isn't currently good; he just squeezes it onto a chart, big whoop. Why tell us where Duke fits in with six games to go when those six results will inevitably change their RPI ranking, their spot in the standings, and six other team's win-loss records? Furthermore, why should we respect a man who's accountability is non-existent thanks to web-updating?

And as Selection Sunday gets closer, Lunardi has the ability to re-do it to cover up gaffs. He's not an analyst, he's not an expert, he's simply a March Madness weatherman. He's predicts what will happen and then report what does. During this championship week, he'll probably release a new bracket every day. Where is the talent in seeing Chattanooga knock of College of Charleston and then sliding them into the tourney? Anyone with a newspaper and an eraser could pull that off.

LOST Love

2009-03-05T21:12:00.003-05:00

Normally I think writing about LOST is like writing about religion; useless because everyone has a different vision or interpretation of what they see. That's why the best LOST fan sites are filled with nuggets us regular people missed or one-liners with people's reactions and predictions.

That being said, last night's episode, "LaFleur" was as individually different from any other episode since that joke where Jack got his tattoos (they're not saying booos... no, wait, they were). "LaFleur" however, not only wasn't a train wreck, it was actually interesting. Seemed like a love story, could have been a trippy version of Mad About You. And for its flaws, those who complain about getting slighted on prime character development in favor of sci-fi time travel, should have enjoyed it thoroughly. Anyway, here are the quick one-hitters that stuck out to me:

-When Sawyer and Juliet kill the two others, Amy seems way more upset about the idea of having to bury the bodies than that her husband had just died. She was upset later when they had to give the body back. It was an odd set of reactions.

-At some point they mention that they are in 1974. The others who were victimizing Amy had pretty advanced walkie-talkies in their bags. Warrants mentioning.

-Um, its not like you didn't notice this either but, Juliet's cleavage is growing quicker than Walt did. In a related story, Juliet is clearly that girl with the self-esteem issues.

-Speaking of which, for all his layers (bad ass, romantic, con man, ladies man), its hard to take Sawyer seriously when we saw him wake up being cuddled as little spoon by Juliet. Lamest. Hero. Ever.

-Seeing the statue was cool, but no one watches to find out about the statue. Seriously if the show ends and we know about the four toes but not about the Hurley string of numbers or other big details about the main Lost-ies, methinks a refund is only fair.

-I read a theory about the lack of aging: That if you live in 2009 and go back to 1974, perhaps you don't age until you progress back to the 2009 day you originally left. When you reach that day, you would then grow at a regular speed. This could explain how Sawyer and company can look current now and still eventually make it back to '04 (show current day) without getting old. However this also could explain why Richard never ages, if we were to assume he's from the future and has always been time traveling. Faraday would probably have some answers for us if his mind didn't get swapped with Roman Polanski's in the last time change.

-If life for Sawyer and company were to continue uninterrupted on the island from here on out, wouldn't they die in the 1992 Ben-issued Dharma purge, and never make it back to current day?

-Seriously where the F are Rose and Bernard? My favorite characters (since the death of Mr. Eko) are harder to find than the island location. They weren't shown going to the freight in last years finale, they weren't shown in the fiery arrow attack, so why haven't we seen them yet this year?

That Was a Crazy Game of Pick-Up

2009-03-03T21:28:00.005-05:00

Every now and then the karma gods smile down upon us and we are thrown into favorable situations. Teenage Will Smith got sent to Bel-Air, paralyzed Locke crashed on an island fully mobile, and recently I played in a memorable game of basketball.

I was recently invited into a pick-up game at the Verizon Center on the Wizards practice court, a pretty sweet score. For a basketball nut, an invite into any competitive pick up game is like having a friend who bartends on a weekend, or a buddy who gives you the password to their porn account. Anyway, I got the first call to play and after wayyy too much deliberation about whether to under dress like Woody Harrelson or show up geared up much too seriously, I headed over one tie-dyed cap short of completely toolish. I subscribe to the belief that its always better to be underestimated.

The game was everything one could hope for: friendly, fast-paced, and loaded with freeGatorades. I was playing with guys and girls who worked for the Wizards and Mystics (the WNBA equivalent, if that weren't an oxymoron) on the practice court of a semi-legitimate professional team. Two hours later most people were packing up and my connection had bolted a game ago. Since I didn't want to be the stranger who stayed at the party too long, it was time to go.

As I packed my bag I watched the remaining eight try to woo a couple of us back for one more full game. I offered my services if they could grab one more, a safe promise since everyone else was bailing, when I heard a new voice say "I'll fill in as tenth." There stood Gilbert Arenas, in practice garb, ball in hand. Gulp.

Next thing I know we were running it back, with Agent 0 (convenient nickname since he's logged 0 minutes for the Wiz all year) jogging up and down the floor with us. Since Arenas and I were on separate teams I made sure someone else was guarding him; I didn't need the guilt of accidentally causing further injury to the $111 million man. I wouldn't have been too embarrassed though since Gil only jogged, attempted a couple shots, and showed the defense commitment of a paper-mache chastity belt.

In the end we ran for 10 minutes with Arenas, who looked rusty and/or cautious, but was a cool guy. He gave dap to our good plays, or at least good plays scaled down for a curly, lanky left-hander. He was gracious, generous, and seemed to just be happy being on the court. It was a crazy game of pick-up.

The Pussycat Doll Debate

2009-03-02T20:32:00.007-05:00

One of the little perks about work is that we each have little TVs on our desks and recently they were re-wired for a full slate of Comcast Digital Cable (and the BEST of intentions!). Now instead of tuning into Regis and Kelly or another hour of The Today Show, I have the freedom to flip... Long story short I've been spending a lot time in the VH1 part of the spectrum. Longer story short the Pussycat Dolls have some new slow video called "I Hate this Part" or something equally lamentable; for some reason the PD's were advised that their fans demand more ballads... yeah.

Anyway the PD's are totally talentless, and I'm sure we can all agree that in the long run, their relevancy will match their talent level. What they lack in song writing, instrument playing, and singing, they more than make up for in not being so hard to look at (Maybe we exclude the red head though; she's always the one in the far background, shot out of focus, or covered by a fedora). Longest story short, lead singer Nicole Scherzinger is Kelvin-scale hot.

She's got ethnic flavor (a mix of Hawaiian and Russian decent), she's sartorially splendid (dresses to tell you she likes getting down), and is the rich man's version of Kim Kardashian. Nice tri-fecta for the resume. So here's some hypothetical food for hypothetical thought: How long could you last as Scherzinger's mate, if while in said relationship, the only music you could hear would be Pussycat Dolls songs?

(Seriously, isn't this a question that could spark a 45 minute conversation at a dinner party of straight dudes and lesbians? I can't wait for my boss to start letting me run interviews for interns.)

The benefits and detriments couldn't be clearer. The question at stake is how much do you value music in comparison with a love life equipped with off-the-charts hotness, a foot in the door to a celebrity world, ultimate Vegas VIP privileges, and some crazy bragging rights. After many calculations, I think I could go somewhere in the vicinity of nine to 12 months, assuming she's not an amazing match for me (Scherzinger sounds Jewish so mom might be happy, but you get the sense she doesn't want to sit around watching How I Met Your Mother on Mondays or do trivia nights on Tuesdays). At home, a lack of music is tolerable at best; although Don McLean makes it sound pretty bad. Much of the void could be filled with podcasts or talk radio, but a year hiatus from concerts would be a serious bummer. Pus it would have to be suicide-inducing to hear to "Buttons" and "Don't Cha" at bars, stadiums, and karaoke nights. A musically void year seems do-able for a top 10 prospect like Scherzinger, right?

Follow up question: How does hypothetical relationship time with Scherzinger compare with the same scenario for other musicians (try Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, Sheryl Crow, Katy Perry, Beyonce on for size)?

5 Things to Take Away from the Oscars

2009-02-23T16:16:00.005-05:00

The Oscars are a big deal to many a folk in the movie and fashion bizzes... but to me it sorta seems like a four hour wait for validation of your movie taste. The beauty of a four hour telecast is that there are inevitably highlights; four hours of Celebrity Apprentice 2 would eventually yield a golden nugget or two... its like the whole monkeys writing Shakespeare thing. Anyway, here are five things that left an impression on me last night.

1) I fell in love. Now my friends will verify that I echo this sentiment about once a week, but I think I mean it this time (not like last week at trivia, or two weeks before that at the Bruce Cover Band). Ryan Seacrest introduced me to Meryl Streep's stunning daughter, Louisa, on the red carpet last night. Sure Wikipedia says she was born in 1991 but love doesn't know math (that holds up in court right?). This is a girl right in my wheelhouse too (brunette girl next door, except her door is to a mansion and a meal ticket). Our relationship went past the red carpet as Louisa had a front row seat next to mommy, meaning lots of camera time all night. In 10 years I won't remember what Meryl was nominated for or if she won, but I will definitely remember her best supporting role.

(Honorable mentions of the night: Natalie Portman looked quit-everything-and-marry-me hot, Marisa Tomei was a knockout, Freida Pinto can do no wrong, and Taraji P. Henson was classically beautiful.)

2) The best presenters of the night were Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. Natalie brought the aforementioned visuals and Ben took care of the laughs. Last night Stiller brought his Joaquin Phoenix out to play, but he has an arsenal of other impressions and comedic tools too. Couldn't Stiller go on for hours? If Billy Crystal (automatic first seed) doesn't want back in as host, Stiller HAS to be at the top of the short list of desired hosts (my list also has Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen, Tina Fey, and Will Ferrell).

3) The new way they presented the awards for the four acting categories was a homerun. The whole "just being nominated is a honor" thing we get every year has finally been validated. Just getting nominated isn't really an honor, but getting verbally felayshed by an expert certainly is. Losing to Kate Winslet probably would have been a bitter moment for Jolie, Streep and company if they hadn't been showered in praise by former winners. I don't know or care who wrote the plaudits but they were sincere, meaningful, and awards in themselves (that is unless Alan Arkin calls you Seymour Philip Hoffman, nice prep work ass). Maybe its not a tangible award but you're definitely going home with a souvenir.

4) Hugh Jackman's musical number with Beyonce has showed up on many worst of lists, but I thought it was a fun moment. The Academy put together montages for the romances and comedies of the year, so why not honor musicals too? I doubt Jackman's grand proclamation "The musical is back!" but I enjoyed the rest. I guess this is my public admission that I kinda, sorta, maybe like musicals (I even saw Mamma Mia in the theaters, but it was on a date... and yes, with a girl) not that there's anything wrong with that.

5) And speaking of "not that there's anything wrong with that," I think the lasting memory of the night, besides Louisa Streep of course, was the political statements and validation delivered with the wins of Milk. Best Actor Sean Penn and best original screenwriter Dusin Lance Black delivered proud, rousing speeches about the inequalities we still face in two drastically different tones. Black called for gay people to stand up proud, that they could all share this victory, while Penn scolded California's failed Prop 8 and the populous for a lack of justice. Maybe these words will spark political action and discourse or maybe they will just be tracks to nowhere, but methinks it will be the former. Eventually Slumdog Millionaire's prestige will fade just like most other best picture winners, but Milk's legacy on Oscar night may be a watershed moment we all remember.

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: UWC's Man O War

2009-02-22T15:11:00.008-05:00

Three things you dont ever turn down: more food when you're breaking bread with Italians, a chance to punch Jeff van Gundy in the face (bonus points if its during a broadcast), and free tickets to an Mixed Martial Arts fight. Situation three presented itself to me last night so off I went to George Mason's Patriot Center for a UWC (Ultimate Warrior Challenge) event with a couple friends, a press credential, and zero MMA knowledge.

All I knew going in was that MMA fights occur in cages, sitting close meant I could get sprayed with blood, and that crotch shots were not cool (turns out they are also illegal). The event included 9 matches, with a co-main event, so it had that going for it. Upon arrival, we learned one participant in one of the main events had "no showed" for his weigh in that day and would not be attending. Umm ok... I know this isn't MMA's Superbowl but it's kind of your job and your name IS being used to sell the event. Whatever, maybe this stuff just happens here.

We found our seats on the floor about 40 feet away from the cage and almost immediately the Man O' War PR guy sidled up to us and promised seats inside the "bike rack" by the start of the second match. The "bike rack" is the inner circle (10 feet from the cage) apparently cordoned off for VIP's who bring prostitutes and fighter's posses. Even A-rod would have had a problem lying about how well we fit in.

The first few fights were entertaining. We got a first round knockout and a first round submission in the first two fights, and I figured we'd be back in DC within the hour. Wrong. Apparently I wasn't an expert yet.

The third match was a bout between two women, which would have made Title IX proud if the fight had received half of the attention that the ring girls were getting in between rounds. This was an interesting one because the underdog was horribly ugly, and the favorite was decent looking, plus you could see her underwear. Everyone loves an underdog, but doesn't everyone loves a hot chick even more? The women went three rounds of grind it out choke holds before a big upset for the uglier girl, but really everyone won since the hotter one spent most of the match with her red-pantied ass squished up against the fence. After that, a granola-y looking white boy who seemed to lack the bloodthirst I had determined was essential in winning, whooped the ass of a much fiercer looking guy. Apparently I wasn't an expert yet.

This marked the last match where we could be considered casual, estranged fans. We saw something we couldn't unsee, right in front of our faces, that would initiate us as MMA people. Fighter Ron Stalling's knee decimated Whisper Goodman's jaw and potentially lifetime motor skills. The knee met the jaw with uncanny crispness, and for a moment I was sure I had witnessed death. I was certain Whisper Goodman (a former Packer) was never getting back up. Ever. Apparently I wasn't an expert yet.

That click of his jaw and the thud of his momentarily lifeless body are sounds and images that are inescapable. It was surprisingly not like the highway crash you cant turn away from; we couldn't look as many (MANY!) trainers worked around him until he finally left.

In the meantime we are amusing ourselves as we sit behind a blogger for MMAOpinion.com who keeps minimizing his blog palette to reveal his laptop background screen of him and his wife posing prom-style in front of their Christmas tree. Laughter seemed to be the best medicine at the moment, unintentional comedy the maximum dosage. If you want to laugh more, check out our boy's recap of the event. And this guy had almost the highest credentials in the building.

The next couple fights were blurs, I was still a bit traumatized to watch attentively. We were also having fun discussing more unintentionally funny aspects of the night. In our discussion of entrance music we determined the best choice would be Steve Earle's "Way Down in the Hole", especially if you could immediately get the first high-hat cymbal notes of Blake Leyh's "The Fall" as soon as you finished off an opponent. Tell me that wouldn't get people to start taking you and your sport seriously. We also wondered about (read: made fun of) undercard wages, the evening's many sponsors, and the accuracy of the 6,248 attendance figure.

The co-main event matches lasted a combined three rounds (easy conversion- three yawns per round after the first) but the best fight of the night was the featherweight match, or as we called it, the jockey fight. Two men Kiefer Sutherland would have towered over were running and jumping and swinging away for three full rounds like a couple of hummingbirds pecking at each other. Our allegiances were originally with "The Pistol" because he entered to Sinatra's "My Way" but were quickly wooed by his opponent, "The Magician." I wish I could tell you it was due to his propensity for crazy jump punches and jump kicks, but those were just icing on the cake after he tweaked his nipples before the starting bell. What did we leave thinking? The MMA, its tweak-tastic!

Shaqtastic

2009-02-16T20:24:00.005-05:00

I love Shaq, but there's no need for me to say it since I assume everyone in the world loves Shaq. I should have said we. He belongs on a list with Slumdog Millionaire, lobster tail, world peace, breasts, and money as things universally loved. Yesterday's NBA All Star Game serves as reason 1819 why Shaq is so great. If you didn't see it, Shaq, an All-Star reserve, was introduced with a scene bigger than any starter would ever have commanded. Check it out.

More about reason 1819: Today on PTI, Wilbon called it the greatest NBA All Star moment since Marvin Gaye's famous Star Spangled Banner in 1983. I have less history in my head than him, but couldn't agree more. Shaq can dance, like really dance, even better than he can dunk, rebound, act, joke, or rap. (Also it's a mahogany-smelling big deal because it made up for an atrocious All Star weekend. HORSE should have been euthanized like Eight Belles. The skills competition is contrived. The Dunk Contest lacks meaningful stars, relative creativity, and successful format.)

And I'm not just plugging up Shaq because I have a bunch of his rookie cards, which I really need to finally mature since my 401k couldn't buy a new pack of Upper Decks right now. If this truly was Shaq's final All Star performance, it was a final opus only a Big Diesel could have composed. The opening stanza of Jabberwocky dance would have been enough, but it was followed by a dunk-ridden, crescendo on the way to 17 points in 11 minutes. That culminated with the most important piece of all: one MVP stealing scene from Kobe Bryant. It was the basketball version of Scenes From an Italian Restaurant. He'll go out at the top (un-Favrian) like John Elway, Lou Gehrig's "Luckiest Man" speech, and the Christmas episode of the British Office.

The MVP timeshare between Kobe and Shaq was even more magnanimous due to the fact that Shaq publicly asked Kobe how his ass tasted last summer in an "impromptu" club rap. And then they were both holding a trophy as if it had never happened. This is the epitome of Shaq; he is so charismatic he could insinuate the debatably best player in the NBA knows the flavor of his butt and then months later stand toe to toe, arm in arm with the man without repercussion.

The Shaq list will likely go way past 1819 but I doubt any reason will ever surpass 1819 in quantity. How could it? But before I quit for the day, lets peruse some of 1819's predecessors...

#1- The first time I ever saw Shaq shatter a backboard... #22- The trivia of him being passed over on the Dream Team for Christian Laettner... #192- Shaq's rap CD, Shaq Diesel has a song that is still on my running mix (by the way he has five albums)... #341- Shaq starred in Blue Chips... #342- Shaq starred in Kazaam and then still landed other roles... #592- A method called 'Hack a Shaq' was created to minimize his dominance... #640- The Shaq-originated practice of watching the dunk contest with your camcorder and feigning shock and awe by falling on top of his neighbor upon every highlight... #718- Shaq was traded to Miami, promised a championship, and delivered it in two seasons... #719- Kobe never won a title without him... #913- During my junior year of college I asked Shaq a question in a postgame media scrum and he didn't treat it like a question from a 20 year old... #1045- Shaq's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm... #1269- Shaq's nickname fluidity: Big Daddy, Big Diesel, Big Cactus, Shaqtus, Shaq-Fu, etc... #1351- Shaq's utter dominance PR-wise over Kobe... #1407- Shaq became a volunteer sheriff in Florida and actually helped on a few arrests... #1516- Shaq had a huge circular bed on an episode of Cribs... #1602- The aforementioned Kobe rap... #1757- Shaq kills this commercial... #1812- Shaq unbelievable resurgence this season (17 pts 9 reb a game)

Celtics or Something Like Them

2009-02-09T21:03:00.012-05:00

Everything you need to know about the Celtics you could have learned in the last three games. We lost at home to the Lakers in overtime, we beat the Knicks handily on the road, and we lost to the Spurs at home in the final minute. I don't want to get all Shaughnessy on you but if we expect the C's to match last years fate, we need to Obama this bitch, lets embrace change.

Two names that have been synonymous with the phrase "Celtics missing piece" have been Stephon Marbury and PJ Brown, but to me those pieces don't necessarily fit in this puzzle. Marbury is tumor, and while tumors can become benign, they are always tumors and potentially malignant at any turn(over). PJ Brown meanwhile is another year older, 39 going on 40, which is prime age for a bottle of scotch or a cougar at a bar, but not an NBA player. I think the years pile up on these athletes logarithmically like on golden retrievers or sweatpants and this last one year makes a big difference. Plus, isn't the PJ Brown desire is a one way street or wouldn't we have heard more refined scuttlebutt?

The two killer losses at home last week clearly demonstrated that we are missing the James Posey presence in all of its glory. On offense, his absence means Tony Allen gets wayyy too much playing time leading to a shot chart that looks like a game of Battleship. Defensively Posey's absence puts more pressure on Pierce, which. in turn, takes away from his offense. Tony Allen couldn't play in a James Posey cover band right now.

Anyway, we are going to have to get outside of the box and find some other applicants. The help wanted ad may look something like this:

2 Positions to be filled- One swingman who can spread the floor with a 15-23 foot jump shot and prior experience with defense or willingness to learn. One backup big man who can own post space on both ends of the floor and eat minutes when Perk and KG are in foul trouble.

Let's set a few rules for eligibility. We'll try to be realistic, in other words, the Celtics wont be a player in the Amare Stoudemire sweepstakes. The Lakers, Cavs, and Magic wont trade with the Celtics down the stretch, so I'm not considering any of their players. The Celtics have a huge payroll already so we can't eat a giant contract like Shawn Marion's. Here's a list of guys I'd have on my wish list if I was Danny Ainge:

Jason Maxiell (PF-Det)- Maxiell is a bruiser who could improve from a defensive pep talk from KG. He's buried on the Pistons bench even behind Kwame Brown, the personal Mendoza line, even though Maxiell has produced for years.
Andres Nocioni (SF-Chi)- A both sides of the ball help but carries a big paycheck owed. Not sure how to make the finances work, but the Bulls at the deadline are like that girl hanging around during last call, just waiting for someone to look at them the right way.
Hakim Warrick (PF-Mem)- Warrick is defensive oriented, a big time shot changer, and shoots at a 47% clip. We wont be looking to him as an offense stud, but a reliable open shot maker.
Eduardo Najera (SF-NJ)- Currently battling injury, but a veteran presence who can produce as a deep option on offense. Plus Wikipedia says he's known for his rebounding and defensive intensity, so you know it's gotta be true.
Morris Peterson (SF-NO)- Another vet with an injury, but when healthy, a guy who can really contribute on offense. He has an unattractive contract, which could tempt the Hornets to send him packing.
Tyson Chandler (C-NO)- His name is rumor-fodder at most deadlines because he still carries a deal-breaker contract. Last year's rejuvenation makes him desirable to man Celtics green, but at what price?
Alando Tucker (SF-Phx)- A rookie smooth shooter, who the Suns are unlikely to give up on too quickly. He would help spread the floor on offense and hopefully could pick up defense from watching.
Sergio Rodriguez (G-Por)- Kinda a wildcard here, but a good shooter who is frustrated with playing time. Again a young gun who is unlikely to be given up on so soon, and though the Celtics dont necessarily need another guard, this could be a nice spark.
Channing Frye (PF-Por)- One year left at 3mil for a lifetime 45% shooter who can hit FTs and has experience, but never fit in with his teams. Now he's buried on the bench and is what we want Patrick O'Bryant to turn into.
Matt Bonner (PF-San)- Nevermind, I'm still sick from seeing this GingerBalls light us up on Sunday.

Meanwhile, there's a chance the Celtics could fill a position in house: Bill Walker, the C's rookie out of Kansas State. We have the perfect opportunity to give him some burn at forward with KG and Ray in hopes of hastening his maturation. Meanwhile he has only played in seven games all year and doesn't even register as trade bait because no one has seen the kid. I dont think Ainge and Rivers know that one piece of the puzzle may lie under their noses. I'm endorsing Walker, Maxiell, Frye, and Rodriguez as the Celtics deadline targets.

Goodbye Old Friend

2009-02-05T15:07:00.010-05:00

This just not in: Scrubs stinks. Its terrible. It may not be the worst 30 minutes television has to offer (send thank you notes to "the can't be killed cockroach" Kath & Kim) but when I'm watching ABC from 9-10 on Tuesdays I feel like a Cheesehead watch Brett Favre this past year; its unrecognizable from its former self and has tarnished everything it had previously created.

Current day Scrubs is nothing that the old Scrubs used to be. Its not goofy or edgy, and its certainly not clever or innovative anymore. I've said it before but from 2001 when the show premiered until 2007 when the show died (or should have died a peaceful, respected death), Scrubs was the most enjoyable 30 minutes of television a week. Even now, having relished LOST, The Wire, and How I Met Your Mother, I do not waver about calling Scrubs, in its time, a masterpiece.

Success came from two places, the writing of the show and the entire ensemble cast. Everyone from Zach Braff to Sam Lloyd (who plays Ted, the lawyer) stood and delivered on a weekly basis. You cared about the plights of the headline characters as much as the fringe ones, but mostly they worked so well because of their cohesiveness (ala Friends). Seriously, I dare you to watch this episode (3 parts) from 2006 and tell me you've seen finer sitcom writing. This is my favorite episode of television ever, and nothing else you do for the next 22 minutes will be better. Now we seldom get the whole group together, and in this week's episode JD and Turk didn't have one scene together. Totally inexcusable.

Its sad to think that the same show I used to look forward to all week, is now down for the count, struggling for breath. Its uninspired, unfunny, and unaffecting, and the only thing it brings to the table is the occasional Sarah Chalke underwear shot. Sure there are tons of syndicated episodes daily to remind us of the good old days, but new Scrubs is Eight Belles down on the track at the Kentucky Derby; its Steve Martin in Pink Panther 2; its Brett Favre still not retired . I once really cared about the characters and their fates but now I just wish the show ended before next Tuesday, sparing further erosion, even if that means we never get an ending.

The Super (read: Mediocre) Bowl

2009-02-01T14:28:00.010-05:00

While tonight's Super(ish) Bowl falls somewhere short of No Easy Way Out in Rocky IV in terms of inspirational, that doesn't mean it wont be a good game. Good offense versus great defense is potentially a great watch. I am not gonna break it down because A) I don't care too much B) The Cardinals are hard to predict C) There's five hours of pregame on ESPN and four more on NBC, but there are four things we can all look forward to today.

Bruce Springsteen- While the excitement leading up to the Halftime performance always prevails over the actual act, The Boss has the potential to change all this. It was fun sending a bevy of Springsteen setlist predictions/analysis emails with friends like we were breaking down the newest LOST episode, but when Bruce takes the stage, his "12-minute party" should be the greatest non-football Super Bowl moment since Bono's American flag jacket in 2001 or Janet's nipple in 2003. For the record I'm thinking we get some mix of Born to Run, Rosalita, Glory Days, and Working on a Dream and if it were up to me it would be Rosalita, The Promised Land, Streets of Fire, and Born to Run.

The Food- Last year and in other Patriots' Super Bowl's I am usually too nervous/focused to eat so on nights like tonight I can take some time to enjoy our spread. There's nothing better than football food and the only thing better than football food is lots of football food. Three years running I've brought out my A-game Buffalo Chicken Dip. It's the unofficial yellow line of Super Bowl food, I can't remember life before it. Also on the docket, our friend's killer Spinach-Artichoke dip, homemade potato skins, and rumors of "best chocolate chip cookies ever."

John Madden- NBC has the game tonight which means we get Madden/Michaels doing the game. Two big things come with Madden: the obligatory Frank Caliendo Madden impressions and the memory of Madden's comical idea that the Patriots should have run out the clock and waited for overtime with 1:51 left in the 2001 Super Bowl.

The Refreshing Lack of Girls- This is the Super Bowl and there's nothing worse than having to explain football rules, having to ask them to stop talking about whatever US Weekly has told them they must discuss at critical junctures of the game, or having to conceal burps, farts, profanity, or other football conducive man behaviors. Super Bowl is like men's Valentines Day, and the only gift we want is to be left alone to watch the game. Plus everytime you make a mistake and watch with girls, they end up winning the Super Bowl Boxes gambling game, that's karma.

Some wildcards for the game today: Will Troy Polamalu get taken down by his hair? Will Larry Fitzgerald make more highlight reel catches? Will any Cardinal get McGahee'd by the Steelers D? Will my prop bets hold up (coin toss heads, no team will score three times in a row)? Will anyone's jersey at the party overshadow my Bud Bowl one? Will the 1 second Miller High Life commercials actually be worth it? Will any commercials break the two year void of good ads? Will people laugh at me if I show up with the 3-D glasses for Monsters vs. Aliens? How many times will I wonder if the Patriots would be in the Super Bowl if they were in the NFC?

Super Soft Media Day

2009-01-27T16:48:00.008-05:00

At today's Super Bowl media day Chris Berman made tons of "whoop" noises, Rich Eisen tried to interview Hines Ward's knee, and Deion Sanders asked players about Deion Sanders. There was a salsa dancer, a 12-year old interviewer, and a height-off between the NFL's rumor-hoarding dwarfs Jay Glazer and Adam Schefter (Chris Mortenson confirmed this a half hour later). Basically no one learned anything and no one who wasn't participating had any fun, way to go NFL.

If you're a media member I know you cant ruffle feathers at this softball-fest, but why can't they ask good questions? For example:

To Ben Roethlisberger: If you guys win the Super Bowl again and you stink again, do you think you will still be revered with other two-time champion QB's? ...Which parts of your body don't hurt right now? ...Did you send Bernard Pollard a thank you note after week 1 or are you waiting until the season is over?

To Kurt Warner: Compliments on your wife growing her hair out; who has had more of a rejuvenated year, you or her? ...If you lose the Superbowl, does that mean God is a Steelers fan? ...Remember when you were benched for Eli Manning four years ago and now you could be consecutive QBs to win Superbowls, how crazy is that?

To Anquan Boldin: Are you jealous of Larry Fitzgerald lapping you in talent this year? ...How proud are you to be the most jacked player in the NFL? ...Have you packed up your Arizona home yet or are you waiting you officially sign somewhere else?

To Larry Fitzgerald: Do you realize how freaking high your stock is right now? ...You have singlehandedly made the Cardinals an almost respectable franchise, how proud are you? ...Do you always have the fear that Anquan Boldin could go Tonya Harding on at any moment? ...As a star receiver, how hard is it to not shoot yourself in the leg?

To Willie Parker: Can we all agree that its time for your bitterness towards UNC to end? ...Isn't the nickname "Fast" pretty lame? ...How many angry letters do you get from touchdown-less fantasy owners?

To Edgerrin James: How was your mid-season vacation and where did you go? ...Have you tried mentoring Tim Hightower this year or are you nervous of helping your competition? ...Did you grow your hair out so people wouldn't notice how gross your teeth are?

To Hines Ward: Do you demand the ball in the huddle of third downs and big plays or do you just get lucky? ...Didn't your offense used to be more interesting with Ken Whisenhunt calling plays? ...How do you mesh with a punk-ass like Santonio Holmes? ...You've already planned your Super Bowl Championship celebration world tour, haven't you?

To Mike Tomlin: Do you look so cool because you try hard or because you're black? ...Do you think Coach Whisenhunt hates seeing pictures of you and the Steelers like most people hate seeing pictures of the ex's with new flames? ...What have you actually done to make the team better since Bill Cowher left?

To Ken Whisenhunt: Seriously, how much do you hate the Steelers? ...Do you ever consider asking your players to take cheap shots on Ben and other old friends like the coach did in Mighty Ducks to Adam Banks? ...Did you tell your players to take off week 16 in Foxboro or does your team actually have the capability to suck that hard? ...If it were legal, would you take yourselves getting seven points?

To Matt Leinart: Do you cry when listening to Springsteen's Glory Days? ...Does being a bench warmer for a punchline franchise cut down on your ability to spit game on girls? ...When you play with the Cardinals in Madden, do you sub yourself in for Kurt? ...Aren't you kinda rooting for an injury so you can play Sunday? ...How quick can you funnel a beer?

The Snubbiest Oscar Snub of All

2009-01-24T17:52:00.006-05:00

Leaving the Academy to decide awards for movies is like leaving Florida to decide a presidential election. This week I heard more about snubs than about acclaim for the nominees. Bruce's them for The Wrestler missing best song is downright offensive for two songs from Slumdog? I hate that Wall-E was left off the best picture list, like for the lack of live action, since it appeared on as many 2008 Top 10 lists as any other movie. Others feel that Leo, The Dark Knight, and The Wrestler were also given the Heisman (knee up, stiff armed) unjustly.

However those are just minor parole violations in comparison to Oscar's snubbiest snub this year, the omission of Young@Heart from the best documentary category. Usually I apply to the theory you can't tell me its not one of the five best if you haven't seen the others, but here's where I'm throwing my curveball, I have already seen one of the nominees. I saw Man on Wire, and am now motived to check out a couple more to prove myself right. MoW doesn't come close enough to Y@H to even sniff its old person smell. Anyway, there is very little to dislike about: It is relatable if you have or had grandparents its enjoyable if you like music, and its inspiring if you possess a heart. Kinda minimal pre-requisites.

Quick dummies guide to Y@H: Young @ Heart is the name of a chorus of extremely senior (is that any kinder than saying super old?) citizens in Northampton Massachusetts who live to sing and sing to live. Sounds cheesy and boring, I know. Here's the twist, they sing cool songs, popular music. Things like James Brown, Coldplay, The Ramones, Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix, Sonic Youth, and more. Try imagining your grandparents even knowing songs by all them. The documentary follows the chorus as they prepare new songs for an upcoming set of performances and deal with deteriorating health.

At different points, the film is funny, sweet, heartwarming, serious, and carefree. It works as a date movie better than another chick flick, its great on a lazy afternoon, and even goes well with a few friends and a few beers. The interviewer/producer may become a bit too involved and irritating but its easy to forget that with the corny old jokes from the corny old men and the not so innocent candor from the sweet old ladies. Y@H runs the gamut of emotions without becoming heavy or lengthy and by the end you almost consider visiting a grandparent (and that's saying something). And for my money, there may not be a better scene in film in 2008 than when the chorus visits the jail.

In the end, who cares about awards? Who can really name all of the past Oscar winners anyway? Those trophies probably end up in your parents attic with all of your old soccer participant trophies, right? Okay, maybe not, but if you want to do some cinematic justice, and you like movies that make you feel good, throw Young@Heart on your Netflix queue or take your first trip to Blockbuster in years and pick it up off a dusty shelf.

Obama-palooza

2009-01-19T15:36:00.010-05:00

Welcome back to your Internet destination for breaking news. Today's gem: Barack Obama is about to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States.

You may have heard this, just as you may have heard about the tremendous Inauguration "We Are One" Concert held on the National Mall yesterday. I get to go to a lot of cool events/games in DC with press passes but yesterday's show was completely different, starting with the fact that I had no connections for any press passes, basically I was on my own to brave the cold, the crowd, and the unknown.

So off I went yesterday with a hangover, semi-plan of where I was going, and a screwdriver (the liquid kind); this weekend in DC has been like a cold, more mature version of Spring Break. The only things I was lacking was a Snuggie and one of those Amish Fireless Fire Places. I had low expectations, was mostly interested in hearing the Boss, and then getting out for the end of the Eagles/Cardinals game.

I couldn't have been more wrong about it all... except for the Snuggie part, one of those really would have been tremendous. First, I was shockingly underwhelmed by Bruce. Maybe it was the cold open he had to endure but something wasn't right. Another mistake I made was thinking that lacking a credential would be ruinous. Being in the mobs was refreshing. Its corny and cliche but we met out of towners, ran into friends, and enjoyed strangers we usually would complain about.

The show gained momentum with almost every performance, but that wasn't what I'll remember. Obama-stock ranks up there with the 2002 Patriots SuperBowl Parade and the Pope's funeral as huge rally moments that surpass all others. Each event has been driven by human emotion. For the Pats rally it was a sense of accomplishment, for the Pope it was overwhelming grief, and yesterday it was a massive celebration. There was camaraderie, pride, brotherhood, and patriotism; the things you often hear in Americana verse and so seldom witness in person.

That was the overwhelming revelation for me, the sheer bliss of those in attendance. It wasn't a celebration of the end of eight Bush years and it wasn't just a grand homage to Obama. The gathering seemed more like an epidemic of excitement, a new hope rushing through the crowd. The performers preached it all day, but I would argue the buzz was a grass roots thing. An imminent belief that we could have a direct impact, that change was up to us, that the torch was being passed on; symptoms of the Obama Effect. Maybe everyone didn't feel that way but enough people did, and in the end, it was contagious enough to create the weird euphoria.

So much so that all day there was a distinct absence of cold weather complaints, of line cutting and pushing, and personal squabbles. In a city built on systematic strife and constant debate, it was invigorating to miss it. I walked, possibly floated back to the GW campus and reality for an afternoon of football. At McFaddens, the scene couldn't have been a bigger juxtaposition. As people shouted, stressed, and shoved through the bar, I sat in the back, like Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank yard, physically feet away and cerebrally miles away.

Eagles or Cardinals... Put Your Wallets Away

2009-01-15T15:27:00.006-05:00

There are three games left in an NFL season that has financially owned my ass. I've lost more money on "sure thing" games this year than I ever thought was possible. I mistakenly felt an understood for teams like the Panthers, Cowboys, Bucs, and Chargers but two of the biggest culprits were the Cardinals and the Eagles.

The Cardinals built up my confidence before crapping the bed, while the Eagles drained my faith, before, of course, playing with a fire lit under them. They even took my money last week. Clearly I am thoroughly confused by this weeks NFC Championship, in particularly the gambling line (Philly +3). This should be a time where the hours of football watching come in handy for capital gains.

You can analyze favorites for match-ups (Passing-Zona, Receiving- Zona, Rushing- Philly, Defense- Philly) but the biggest problem is trying to figure out which Cardinals and Eagles teams will show up Sunday.

On the Eagles side, are we supposed to expect the Andy Reid squad that destroyed the Cowboys, beat down the Vikings, and outplayed the top ranked Giants? The same ones who ruined Thanksgiving for the Cardinals (and for my Thanksgiving trifecta parlay)? Have the Eagles even really deserved the last two W's or did the Vikes and G-men give those games away? Or might we witness the team that tied the Bengals and lost a pair of games to the Redskins?

And its not like the Cards are any more consistent. Do we expect the recent Cards who took care of business in the first two rounds with solid defense and scorching hot offense? Or maybe their alter-egos who have been victims of against the Patriots, Jets, Vikes, and said Eagles? Have they improved by more than the four touchdowns they lost by to the Eagles a couple months ago?

There are so many forces opposing each other, I cant figure out which information should be filtered and which is relevant. The Cardinals good home record or the precedent they set on Thanksgiving? The Eagles winning six of seven or their terrible road record? The Cards inconsistencies or the Eagles shortcomings? They say in a bind, take the points and run. I may suggest taking a pass.

Watching TV Better

2009-01-12T15:01:00.008-05:00

Big day tomorrow for millions of American unintentionally setting our nation back even farther... its the season premier of American Idol. Hooray!!

I seriously do not understand how people watch this show. For the next couple weeks, viewers are inundated with Idol tryouts, 90 percent of which are failures. Failures in the sense that they do not get a ticket to Hollywood and failures in the sense that they waited in day-long lines for a thirty second audition and the minute chance their appearance make air. Have I mentioned that a bunch of the aired auditions and contestant profiles are embellished by producers for extra "laughs"? Those Pizza hut commercials where they "trick" people into loving their pizza and pasta are more believable (because if I was tricked into eating Pizza Hut pasta at a fancy LA restaurant, I'm sure my reaction would be a rousing standing O).

Then finally, after weeks of two-hour specials filled with pitchy shenanigans (OMG look there's the guy who doesn't know he sucks! LOL, here comes the goth chick with the mom who swears at Simon!!) we get to the actual contest and witness actual borderline talent. This is decidedly the least popular part of the show, yet millions of Americans who can't tell you where Darfur is, who haven't voted in a Presidential election, who haven't read anything without glossy photos in years, will spend 99 cents to text in a vote (up to five times equals $4.95 for the Idol fans in the house). It will be interesting, though, to see if middle Americans will still text away five bucks a week, with the recession devouring everything in its path.

And don't go playing the 'elitist' card on me, Sarah Palin. I still eat my Kraft singles one slice at a time, its just that this Fox show is the lowest common denominator. Six months, a bajillion text messages, three Paula Abdul sex-scandal rumors, and one staged audience member crying later, and we will have a winner. A winner that may be as popular as Carrie Underwood or as momentary as Fantasia I don't even know her last name. This is what 30 million plus people will care about more than anything for the next several months.

Meanwhile there are better choices for TV out there. LOST comes back soon and no event that isn't the Inauguration is more important in January. How I Met Your Mother is in another stellar season, delivering the most enjoyable 30 minutes a week. Flight of the Conchords comes back Sunday after a momentum-killing hiatus. The Office is a DVR staple thanks only to Andy Bernard these days; yes I'm talking to you soft relationship Jim. If action is your thing and you can stomach eventual let down, Bauer is back for another run of 24. And finally 30 Rock was validated last night as the comedy cream of the crop.

And if you can't get past the lack of reality TV on the buffet, check in on MTV. Laugh if you want to but MTV's Bromance with Brody Jenner, is thoroughly enjoyable. Its premised as a bunch of dudes trying win the role of a lifetime, friends with Brody and his playboy lifestyle included. The show sticks to its roots of "men behaving badly" with nights of drinking, talk of female conquests, semi-athletic competitions, and the candor of a guy's night out. The occasional sappy moment is quickly negated by a blow up doll, bikini model, or contestant puking into a paper bag, AKA television gold. If that's not enough The Duel II is slated for early spring.

So we all have a choice to make Tuesday, and for the days to follow. As a nation will we blindly throw our televisions to Fox's recycled, brainless popularity search for a pop star or we can stray from our past or demand something better? Its time for change, act accordingly.

My 20 Point Theory

2009-01-07T19:35:00.007-05:00

There are some things I really like doing on company time like running errands and the late afternoon Sporcle and then there are things I love doing on company time like pooping and looking at old box scores. Sometimes the latter two are separate activities and other times I can multitask.

The thing is that like many other self-appointed geniuses, I do some of my best thinking on the can, which sounds silly until you hear my latest NBA theory. I posit that about 80% of players in the NBA could score 20 or more points consistently, if given the right role (shots and encouragement included).

To the untrained eye, NBA scoring can be a complete mystery to most, but not me. I have figured it out and I think its the first piece of the puzzle into figuring out how to create the perfect NBA team. I'll get to this later.

Guys like Kobe and Lebron need not apply to this theory, those are givens. But when those number one gunners and even their wingmen go down, it opens the door for the lesser known NBA players. Take John Salmons for example, a league vet who never averaged more than 13 points in a season. This year for the Kevin Martin-less Kings, Salmons has crossed the 20 point barrier 18 times and the 30 point mark two others. He was embraced as the backbone for a team he spent two years watching from the bench.

Here's the super-secret formula: Full Grain Leather Basketball + Opportunity (Opp = open shots + legit inclusion in offense) + Almost any NBA player (the secret ingredient) = 20 Points

Meanwhile, meet Linas Kleiza, the spokesman of the Bardo 20 Point Theory. Kleiza is a lifelong back-up, who is practically one with Carmelo Anthony's shadow, however, we are about to become witness to a Kleiza renessaince era. Carmelo's fractured hand will allow the light to find Kleiza's career again. The last time Linas has a chance, during a Carmelo hiatus (end of Jan 2008), he went for 21, 23, 23, 10, 14, 15, 23, and 15.

Now its not that Carmelo and his fellow A-listers are shooting too much necessarily; just more that almost every rostered player can and should be contributing more. NBA players, by nature can hit open shots, which helps since they also by nature, do not play much defense, thus creating more open shots. Scoring the NBA is about opportunity and swagger, and with opportunity comes the swagger. Havvvvvve you met Stephon Marbury? (Along with lots of other guys who went from big scorers to cut in a couple seasons like Stevie Franchise or Antoine Walker. The theory goes both ways.) When Kleiza gets his burn and is told that he is needed, he steps up, just as Salmons has this year, or Roger Mason Jr did when Ginobili and Parker-Longoria were sidelined. There's so many examples, its basically science.

Let's support the theory more and pick an average NBA team, randomly I will pick the Atlanta Hawks. Guys on the Hawks who could score 20: Joe Johnson, Mike Bibby, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith, Al Horford, Ronald Murray, Mo Evans, Acie Law, and unfortunately Zaza Pachulia. Thats 9 of 12. I'll pick another for argument sake, less randomly, the Celtics, a team with current depth issues. Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Rondo, Perkins, T Allen, Powe, Big Baby, House, and Cassell. Thats 10 Celtics, and I would look for more but I'm scared away by Brian Scalabrine and his [the word opposite of potential].

In the meantime, try to figure out what the players on this list have in common: Jose Juan Barea, Ramon Sessions, Wilson Chandler, Anthony Morrow, Kelenna Azubuike, Hakim Warrick, and Boris Diaw.

You probably think these are players who've scored 20 points in a game this year. WRONG. Those players, many of whom are relatively unknown NBA players, have each had MULTIPLE 20 point efforts this season. So lets agree to agree, almost everyone in the NBA can score in droves on a given night under the right circumstances.

Back to that perfect NBA team idea. Clearly the ultimate squad needs a stud and a leader, along with some defensive presence. I'm saving the defensive lesson for another night so let's look past that for now. Why cant a coach mold his team of starters and back-ups into a singular unit of equal scorers. I'm not saying take the ball out of Kobe's hands if your Phil Jackson, but can't he motivate and condition the rest of the Lakers to have scorer's mentalities?

Therefore, the ultimate team should/could/would be one where the coach can find that middle ground where you can maximize your role players performances. Fill a lineup with the Kleizas, Morrows, Mason Jrs, and Powes of the league and let them do what they do best, successfully fill gaps. To me its about putting more faith in guys in more guys, and make them think that the team relies on them as much as it does on Superstar A. Make them have the pride in their game that a superstar must have and reward them with more crunch time minutes and more shots. That may sound unrealistic but a truly gifted coach can get through to his squad and make them believe that it the team is on them.

What to Think About Wall-E

2009-01-05T19:56:00.004-05:00

Its 2009 and I am gonna try to write more entertainment this year; gonna try to diversify a bit. Anyway this is the time of year when movies are slurped or scrutinized because its award season. The brunt of this years slurpage is Disney and Pixar's Wall-E, which is odd because it got a mixed bag of reviews depending on who you talked to. This made it a perfect first Netflix rental of the year and a chance to throw my weight around in the war on Wall-E.

If you've heard anything about the film, you know that it starts with about 30 minutes without dialogue. This is clearly the first thing you notice about Wall-E and its a weird feeling to watch sensation to watch a movie in this day and age without the director telling you what is happening right off the bat. Anyway, this beginning dialogue drought gives you the sense that you are either watching some pretentiously grandiose bullshit sermon, OR that you are watching something much bigger than yourself, something that may be extraordinary. I think this is where the schism of opinions begin because I think if you are in the first camp, it is easy to quit on the film. However if you're in the second camp, or can talk your way into the second camp, Wall-E can have a lasting impact on you.

I quickly identified myself in the latter group and loved Wall-E in all its preachy grace. I enjoyed the romance, I devoured the messages against gluttony and dependence, and I giggled at everything from Wall-E's trinkets to the little cleaner-up robot's persistence. I wont be spoiler-ee so dont be afraid to keep reading. Its the big things and the little ones that separate Wall-E from its predecessors and peers.

Little things like the catharsis drawn from Wall-E's eyes and the Captains thirst for more definitions (Jeff Garlin nails this role, even down to the manboobs) to the Eva's domination of bubble-wrap and Wall-E dancing with the trash can. Big things too. Like the Wall-E and Eva space reunion and its chain of events following and the condescending "Stay the Course" line. It was the underlying messages meshed in with cutesy Pixar pieces. It makes you laugh, smile, and ask the important questions like "If I were an iPod, how hot would Eva be to me?"... or something maybe a bit more important regarding the future of our planet.

Toy Story, Monsters Inc., Shrek, and other Pixar gems have delivered the cute factor along with the storybook moral ending, but only Wall-E contemporizes its message and morals for a current day audience. This is definitely not a kids movie, in fact I probably wouldn't even show it to them; its a love story and a heady, enlightening societal warning as well. As a 24-year old, I'm not sure if I even grasp its entire magnitude in one viewing.

Brett Fraud-re

2008-12-29T11:14:00.004-05:00

I'm past the point of wishing death to everyone in New York City and getting the blog scoped out by the Department of Homeland Security, and up to the second stage of Patriots Football Grief, wishing death just to key NY Jets personnel, particularly Brett Favre.

Here's the thing, I didn't learn anything from yesterday's debacle. We knew the Patriots were better than the Bills. We knew the Dolphins were better than the Jets and knew the Ravens were better than the god-awful Jaguars. We knew Brett Favre was ancient and unreliable, like sundials or chivalry. Plus, I think deep down inside we all knew that losing in overtime at home to the Jets would come back to bite eventually.

But that doesn't mean we don't have the right to be mad. Yesterday's performance by the Patriots in the wind was herculean, with Matt Cassel getting his Bill Paxton on, passing and punting into a twister I expected to see a cow or a trailer fly through. He and the defense took care of business the best they could. Unfortunately we had to depend on a team so horrible that by 6PM its fans were rooting against themselves

And as bad as the Jets defense was (more Swiss than cheese really), Brett Favre was epically putrid. He had a trilogy of interceptions, each worse than the one before. It was like The Mummy of quarterback performances. The first deep ball was not horrible but had me wishing I hadn't seen it. The second pass I couldn't believe anyone would make. Favre threw to a receiver he couldn't see because he was hiding behind the massive defensive lineman who ended up catching, running and scoring. The third pick was a walk off interception. We walked out before it was all over, nothing was said.

The second and third picks were Chicago Black Sox interceptions... ones that make you question allegiances and motives. Ones that give the censors of your brain the hour off and you spew hate at Brett Favre and his shoulder and his family and even his performance in There's Something About Mary. Its wishing aloud for news stories of the Jets team plane crashing, or a stampede of fans leaving the Meadowlands resulting in a massacre of turncoat Jets fans. Yesterday we spent more than an hour discussing whether kidnapping his daughter was the best way to send a message. That is the aforementioned first stage of grief.

Now I'm only wishing for news about Favre's shoulder injury being a malignant tumor that requires amputation. That is my second stage. I assume the next stage becomes an even lesser degree of rage, one where Eric Mangini's job is some sort of acceptable collateral damage. But currently I can't imagine when that day will come.

But that douzy of a third stage (and whatever lies beyond that... maybe the whole forth or fifth "There's always next year" stage) won't be hastened by all the things that remind me of Favre; its like trying to get over an old girlfriend. Whenever I hear Madden verbally felate Brett Fav-rah's warrior mentality, or he inevitable skips of the Pro-Bowl (really?!?! Favre's 22/22/81 rtg over Cassel's 21/11/89.4 or Pennington's 19/7/97.4 or Rivers' 34/11/105.5), or the months of will he/won't comeback rumors, it will be a remind of the pain.

Here's the dirty little secret in it all: Brett Favre sucks. Maybe not always, maybe not even most of last year, but those days have passed and now he just sucks. He ruined the Patriots' somehow under-dog season, he ruined the Jets for a few years to come, he ruined Mike Smith's chances at coach of the year (he's lead blocking for Sparano now) and he ruined his own name.

He has almost as many shameful records as celebrated ones, lets talk about those. 22 interceptions led the league this year, and don't pretend they weren't in crunchtime. Lets talk about his backstabbing of Green Bay and don't pretend he didn't also force the hand of the Jets front office. He ruined Cameron Diaz, Wrangler Jeans, and the number 4, for me. I'm even finding myself questioning that awesomely groomed yet somewhat unrefined facial stubble. Basically my world is shattered. I hate you Brett Favre.

End of an Error

2008-12-12T16:35:00.010-05:00

So I opened up a newspaper today. I don't make a regular practice of this, like 98% of regular people, because I get my news online, or on TV. The actual reason I opened up the paper today was because I was bored at work and looking for a Sudoku, so I grabbed the Washington Post Style Section. For those not acclimated to the Post's Style section, its the name of their Arts section and is "Section C." Anyway, the cover of the Style Section today has a glowing article on Amy Adams, one of the stars of Doubt. Under Amy Adams (= an enviable place) and under the fold (= death in newspapers) I happened to stumble across this little gem.

"WUSA Moves to One- Person News Crews."

For those who don't want to read the whole article, let me USA Today it for you: Basically the Washington DC local CBS affiliate doesn't have enough money to keep sending out reporters with camera crews when covering stories and are cutting back. They are cutting the cameramen and starting to hire people who can be news one-man-bands, thus lowering the quality of the reporting and production in order to save salaries. As if local television news could get worse at reporting and production.

The thing about this story is that its a micro version of a macro problem, that started with newspapers and has clearly spread like a cancer to its next host, local TV. Washington DC is the seventh largest media market in the country so I can only imagine what kinds of changes and cutbacks are in store for everywhere else that isn't NYC, LA, Chicago, San Fran, Philly, and Dallas. This has to be the beginning of a bigger problem, and with media folk holding the magnifying glass, it will be a problem that won't be under-reported.

Today's media unwritten rule seems to be "Go big or go home." This is the case as media conglomerates such as ESPN, CNN, Bloomberg, and the networks have undergone many fewer cutbacks and curtailments than smaller operations. If you aren't with the "bigs" than literally the idea of going home has two meanings. Either get laid off as jobs are cut everywhere from the technical or editorial side of things, or go home and blog, or become one of the many mo-jos (mobile journalists) that are much more attractive hires. That means learning new skills like how to operate the camera, write a news story, shoot the news story, and edit the news story by yourself, sacrificing some integrity with each step along the way (the article admits that a few places that tried mo-jos have backtracked due to the shoddiness of the final product).

I know both people who are employed in this way and who were employed in this way and I can say first hand that the drop-off between this product and a regular story is severe (think '07 Patriots to the Brady-less '08 Pats). So I say to local television media, "Hi, welcome to the life boat. You may want to sit a little closer to newspapers because we're expecting full occupancy."

Oh yeah and if you don't think newspapers are doomed, try this on for size. The Dallas Morning News and Fort Worth Star Telegram, two rival newspapers in media market #6, either will soon or have started sharing beat writers. Detroit's two biggest newspapers (media market #10) are getting a tummy-tuck and a non-daily home delivery schedule. There's too many more examples to cite, but I think we all get it by now.

NFL Playoff Run- Wizard of Oz Edition

2008-12-09T15:33:00.005-05:00

And down the stretch they come!! Three weeks of NFL regular season left and there are a lot of contenders and really no outright favorite. Last year the Pats were Vegas (almost) mortal locks; they were something like 1:2 favorites to win the Superbowl before the playoffs started.

This year no one has separated themselves, no one seems invincible, no one doesn't have a somewhat glaring weakness. In that sense, this years playoff race is setting up like a current day, roided up version of The Wizard of Oz only without any munchkins, unless you count Bob Costas. Anyway, like Dorothy and her ragtag friends, each of this years contenders needs to find something on their journey to make that next step to reach the end. Lets review the 10 biggest contenders (according to ESPN's NFL Power Rankings) and their needs:

10) Patriots- The Patriots biggest problem has been consistency, a weird problem for a team with such solid coaching. Mostly its due to the age of their defense, injuries that make you question if there is a God, and every team's desire to avenge F-U touchdowns and Spygate leftovers. A few blowout wins, a few blowout losses (all to potential playoff teams) create no genuine identity of the team. As truly unlikely as it seems, if the Pats can gain some semblance of consistency, their skill and experience can carry them to a few vics.

9) Cardinals- The Cardinals, like Matt Leinart's sex life, can seemingly score in droves. Somehow Kurt Warner is concussion free this year and the Cards have the best wideout tandem in years. They are 7-1 on the West Coast and 1-3 in other timezones. More than anything they need an antidote to the road woes, some road identity. Likely ending up in the three seed in the NFC, the Cards could have to travel to New York or Carolina (again and again) , and be able to perform away from the desert.

8) Cowboys- Like the Lion in WoO the Cowboys are in desperate need of some heart. They may not be as cowardly as the Lion but any team with Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Jessica Simpson's boyfriend, and a pair of Roy Williams' will be lacking in the heady departments. Most recently owner Jerry Jones called out beastly running back Marion Barber and his manliness, because that ever works. The Cowboys will have a tough road ahead, mostly on the road, but their skill won't fail them. If/when the Cowboys falter, you can bet it will be a mental mistake.

7) Ravens- The Ravens may be the un-Cowboys. Heart they've got, and plenty of it, from vets slash accused murderers like Ray Lewis to the brazen rookie Joe Flacco. The Ravens need what the Cowboys have in spades, some raw skill. If their receivers are sitting coach class, their running backs are stuck in the bathroom because the food-cart is outside the door. Defense is a symptom common to Super Bowl championships but talent shines in January although the 2000 Ravens had NO Pro Bowlers on offense, so forget we had this discussion.

6) Buccaneers- Its hard to tell what the Bucs need because its hard to tell what the really do Bucs well. They have a pretty good defense, experienced and decent options at QB and RBs, and receivers that deserve lauding. A list of their strengths aren't so potently strong. They don't overwhelm you anywhere and aren't mistake-prone (Garcia only 3 INTs), they sort of just float on unsuspecting. That doesn't work in the playoffs and this team needs to show up, and create an image for themselves. Do they want to be the decent at everything, outstanding at nothing team that plays one playoff game? Time for Chucky to put his team infront of a mirror and find some answers.

5) Colts- I have been correctly called out for a gambling crush on the 2008 Colts, one that hasn't yielded many happy finishes. Let's be clear, having won six in a row or not, the 08 Colts aren't the Colts we are used to. They don't make big plays, they are run first, and don't blow out teams. Sure they can still score, but mostly our old nemeses (really who ever liked the Colts) are getting older. Marvin Harrison scares no one, Reggie Wayne lost a step, Dallas Clark's concussions have finally taken their toll, and the walking commercial reel is not the steady-handed surgeon we used to fear. The Colts need a breath of fresh air to rejuvenate some of these familiar vets.

4) Panthers- Anyone who watched the Panthers evisceration of the Bucs last night on MNF saw something scary. Running for 300 yards and four TDs against a team who had allowed one rushing TD all year speaks for itself. Their defense, like the two-headed running game, went from sneaky-good to flat-out-good before our eyes last night. One glaring hole for the Panthers is perhaps their most visible player, Jake Delhomme. He stinks worse than Sex Panther (26th in passer rating, 17th in yards passing, 25th in comp%) and their running game can only hide him for so long. Its too late to get a QB, but they need one nonetheless.

3) Steelers- The Steelers have courage, skill, experience, defense, offense, and the list goes on. They beat bad teams, they beat good teams. Overall this may be the most well rounded team, but are still a team with one legitimate problem. Big Ben, Willie Parker, Heath Miller, LaMarr Woodley have all missed games due to injuries. They need to get healthy but future slugfests with the Ravens and Titans won't help things. The Steelers grind out wins so there is no let up on the horizon.

2) Giants- What a couple weeks for the Giants? From knocking off the Steelers and convincing everyone that the Superbowl went through the Meadowlands, to a stray bullet in Plaxico's pants (not this kind, the dangerous kind), and a ghastly loss to the Eagles, and now the Giants are a little dependent on their rear-view mirrors. The G-Men could use a bit of humility, in my humblest opinion of course. Remember them this time last year, severe underdogs, and really a fluke catch away from being that way this year too. Eli is improved but still vulnerable and a loose cannon, and now has lost his only scary receiver. The Giants should go back to their roots and understand that no one coasts to Lombardi trophy.

1) Titans- The Titans are crazy talented and backed by a core of guys named Chris Johnson, Lendale White, Bo Scaife, Cortland Finnigan, Chris Hope, and a dude who stomped on someone's head with cleats. This is a team full of indians and Kerry Collins doesn't seem like the chief that takes this kind of defensive, running team to the promised land. The Titans need leadership on the field that can prevent no-show losses to the Jets, and then the undisciplined outbursts that follow losses. Week 16 and 17 match ups with the Steelers and Colts might be the exact challenge that will draw find a leader from amongst the common men.

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: GW vs. Tennessee Women's Basketball

2008-12-02T22:29:00.005-05:00

There were only 3 reasons you could have possibly held a ticket to the George Washington vs. Univ. of Tennessee hoops game tonight: 1) You didn't see the word 'Women's' across the top 2) You are a massive connoisseur of sport 3) You are a lesbian. There simply aren't any other reasons you would have attended the game. However, all those who didn't fit into those three categories (and for the record, I consider myself apart of group 2 but maintain fan-dom of group 3) missed a shockingly and thoroughly unexpected experience.

To start, let me explain that I am an alum of GW and still live relatively proximate to the campus. Furthermore, I live, work, and dream sports so getting a chance to see Pat Summitt (and by association the Lady Vols) was somewhere between a 'must' and a 'Tuesday is a horrible television night.' I wasn't expecting much in terms of points, or excitement, or even fun, but as a sports fan it was my duty to observe a living legend. So I joined up with my GW hoops friends (we all own men's seasons tickets together) and bundled up to brave the cold, mysterious frontier that is DC winter weather and women's college basketball.

Getting to our seats was a challenge in itself. We had to wade through a sea of lesbians. There were enough lesbians (not that there is anything wrong with them) to spawn an softball team, nay, softball league. These lesbians were orange-clad, she-mullet (can we just call them mull-ettes?) coiffed, and boisterous; not the lesbian type privy to IMDB profiles littered with Skinemax cameos.

Speaking of Skinemax, Tennessee's best player is a freshman with a body for basketball success and a name for porn stardom. Let me introduce you to 6'3" Glory Johnson. She is a beast on the court and definitely the next big thing in women's hoops (assuming Candace Parker was the last big thing or that there has ever been a big thing in women's hoops). She rebounds over everyone, sets monstrous picks, and can score against guards or centers. The next time you're at a dinner party and the conversation turns to ladies hoops, drop her name and wow your friends; it's a cant miss.

Meanwhile a funny thing happened on the way to this game being a snoozer, GW showed up to play. Though down eight at halftime, the Colonials brought Pat Summitt and the crowd to their feet on many occasions in the second half. It may not be admirable but I can admit to standing, cheering, screaming (?!?!) for G-Dub to get a few more stops during a run where we brought the deficit to two points before missing a wide open lay up to tie the game. Go figure.

Pat Summitt has 989 career wins and for many reasons I was hoping to be able to say I hadn't seen one of them. Alas I left the gym with a surprising sense of entertainment and re-evaluation of women's sports on the whole. Will I go back to another women's game this year? Its highly unlikely, but even if its one in a million, I'm saying there's a chance.

The DUI Rule

2008-11-21T15:28:00.007-05:00

Keith Olbermann is known for his "Worst Person in the World" segments and Bill Maher is known for his "New Rules" segments, and I will now steal both. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research (just kidding, I stole that too. Big ups to Wilson Minzer on that one).

Anyway, this week there was a legitimate worst person, our old friend Jim Leyritz. If you don't know Jim Leyritz here is his wikipedia page, and basically he's a retired baseball player who played mostly for the Yankees, but also the Red Sox and many others. What is relevant for today's lesson is that allegedly last December, he ran a red light and struck and killed a woman in Florida. The woman was a young mother.

Almost 11 months later and Leyritz still hasn't been tried but was in court this week and delivered this stinkbomb: he petitioned a judge to removed a bothersome (his word,not mine) breathalyzer that has been installed in his car. His lawyer said in a statement in a court of law "He cannot leave the car with a valet, because it cannot be started by the valet. " Another problem apparently that Leyritz "can't eat things like chicken Marsala" because the wine content can set off the breathalyzer. You can read the report here if you need more.

Wow. (Take a minute and let that sink in) It's too easy to skewer him, there is just too much material. You could question why he's allowed a car at all, or what they serve to prison inmates who commit vehicular homicide, or whether the victim's family uses valet.

I think the problem is bigger than the ass-hattery of Jim Leyritz. It's about the all too frequent nature of pro athletes (and celebrities, and really everyone) acquiring DUI's like they are parking tickets. Even in cases when no one gets hurt, I dont think the meager fines, occasional suspensions, and the usual bad-mouthing is even close to enough penalty to dissuade others from making the same mistakes.

Here's where the new DUI rule comes into play. Anyone who gets a DUI is banned from the following events: All Star Weekend (applicable to NBA, MLB, NHL, for the NFL we can call it Superbowl Weekend), any league award (applicable to all sports) and the US Olympic Team (applicable to NBA, NHL). No way no how should DUI-ers represent our country, and who would argue against this? Also watch them squirm when they are not allowed at the All-Star parties and events that even Flava-Flav gets into. Furthermore they lose other pro-athlete perks such as no more comp'ed seats for family members and friends, their names in video games, and softball questions from the media. And definitely no valet service and chicken marsala.

One strike is all athletes should get, They have too much money NOT to have a chauffeur, a limo, a chauffeur with a limo, or taxi service to drive over state lines. To me its more about the excessive money at their disposal than that whole role model thing. Kids who are old enough to understand DUI's are old enough to realize that athletes aren't role models for the most part.

In order to buck this problem we need to start hitting offenders where it hurts. These fines are like shooting buffalos with BB guns, and suspensions are just mini-vacations for most of these guys. No more warning shots across the bow, its time to strike at their egos, their taken for granted benefits, and their reputations.

The Double Standard

2008-11-17T16:40:00.001-05:00

So here's the scene: I am at a bar Saturday night in DC, talking to a pretty girl, which means full-on use of negs, DHV's and other tidbits I've learned from The Pick-up Artist. From the corner of my eye, I can see on the bar TV that BC is beating down FSU and realize I need to check the Oklahoma State score. I pull out my phone, check the score, and look up just in time to see said chick rolling her eyes at my frustration that they aren't covering. Now I realize its a little lame to be at a bar, talking to a girl, and wondering if Oklahoma State is going to beat Colorado by 16.5, but I get that "oh-you're-betting-on-sports" eye roll all the time, and I'm starting to get a little sick of it.

There is a huge double standard in this country between wagering on sports and wagering on the economy, or as you may have heard the newspeople call it, playing the stock market. But in the end stocks and Wall Street, are all just fancy-speak for gambling. Now I'm not a business school graduate but I understand the basics of the biz. The cornerstone idea being that when you buy stock in a company, you are gambling that your share or stake in them will do well. You are risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others.

Now please tell me what is so different between that and gambling on a team to win a game? In the former situation, you are risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others (taken from above) and in the betting on sports you are also risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others. So why is gambling so looked down upon, especially these days when the stock market has pregnant woman's mood kind of volatility?

Like gambling on companies, gambling on teams requires research (at least if you like money). Besides luck, success is dependent on knowledge of the subject and understanding management concepts. There are however, many more outlets for helping one select stocks efficiently, than a pro or college team. CNBC, Bloomberg, Fox Business are all channels devoted to reporting earnings and offer stock suggestions while ESPN and others deliver results on what has happened but lacks offering insight for prognosticating future results.

There are too many parallels between the two wagering opportunities for there to be the kind of looking-down-one's-nose that exists with sports gambling (and its not just that girl, its also my co-workers' comments when they see me wagering online, and my dad's reaction when I root for the Colts to score one more TD to cover against the Texans, and the general demeanor of iPhone carriers when I ask them to check the score of the Notre Dame/Navy game). How come bookies are seedy while stock brokers are professional. Gambler's anonymous exists but I cant find anything about stock market dependencies.

Both have their share of cheaters too. The Chicago Black Sox are the historic example of the current day Enrons, Martha Stewarts, and Mark Cubans. Entire sections of newspapers are devoted to the results of both sports and businesses but apparently putting your money on one is much more civilized than putting it on the other. Diversifying one's assets is fodder suitable for a wine-tasting and talking about a three-team parlay is banter served with a PBR.

One problem is that sports gambling doesn't have the fancy euphemisms that investing does. First example is the word investing... it sounds nice and reputable, unlike gambling. Sports gambling needs a term like "portfolio" for explaining the cache of teams one has wagers on. Sports gambling also needs words like "firms" or "commodity" instead of terms like "propositions" and "lines" (those are drug dealer terms!).

I also think an answer lies in the government's involvement in each. Gambling on sports is illegal in the US, outside of Las Vegas, while you will find no across the board restrictions on investing. The problem is that the government reaps ridonculous yields from the country's investments (sans that whole bailout thing nowadays). The government is fueled by a good economy and heavy demand for stocks because it means that its companies are performing well. The value of companies and the value of the work they do, drives up the dollar value and our government's worth. Then, if you should "win" money from your investments, don't think you get the entire sum without seeing part of it chopped off for taxes. Feelings of Captain Hadley in Shawshank Redemption (any excuse to quote Shawshank) when he said "Uncle Sam. Reaching into your shirt and squeezing your tit til it's purple." I'm not saying that the government should get in bed with gambling and then tax winnings but if it led to legalizing sports gambling, it might be worth a try. It's not like its any less noble of a business than the lottery.

I just want to get sports gambling on a more even playing field. I feel like I have to hide my joy at big payday weekends or consider lying to others about why I am excited to hear that Syracuse lost again. There is not the same outlet to celebrate a five-team parlay as there is when someone discovers a blue-chip commodity and there is definitely not the same sympathy for losing a big bet as there is for those who struck out on Wall Street (do you see any sympathy here?). I want to shout "I love sports gambling" from the top of a mountain. Maybe President-elect Obama can take this on after he fixes the BCS.

Bond: You Only Live Twice

2008-11-12T15:18:00.009-05:00

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

You Only Live Twice (1967) watched 11/10/08

PREMISE:
Just when you thought you knew of 007's Earthly limitations, he shows up for You Only Live Twice and brings down a rouge space satellite, which threatens the peace between the US and USSR. That's right, Bond in space!! YOLT is a stellar installment where Bond goes places literally and figuratively we haven't seen in the first four episodes. On the literal side Bond spends most of the film in Japan tracking down the latest apocalyptic peril, and on a less literal level he deals with his own death and a few trust issues.

Taking down a satellite AND a SPECTRE-backed plot isn't an easy task for any one man, so Bond's plans are complex and involve many aspects. The first problem is Bond's early death... or so we think! (This would be a spoiler only to those dumb enough to think Bond could die nine minutes into the movie... hint there are about 17 Bond films to follow) The faked death would make Jack Bauer proud the scene where Bond is brought back is one of the coolest so far in Fleming's series.

After the revelation that 007 is still alive, Bond goes through a series of smaller battles including him infiltrating a heavily guarded industrial factory, destroying four helicopters in his solo-copter, landing a rigged-to-crash plane at the last second, and undergoing a Japanese makeover. The makeover included some sort of eye manipulation and a stereotypical black wig, and for those scoring at home, it is the second most un-politically correct piece of the movie trailing Bond's question to his Asian lover: "Why do Chinese girls taste different than other girls?" That seems out of bounds for even Mad Men dialogue.

And Bond gets more help than ever before, this time from a squad of Japanese ninjas, most of whom are sacrificed in a evil-lair storming scene eerily reminiscent of Normandy Beach. Once inside the base we get some of the Austin Powers fodder including piranha's trained to kill (post-kill line: "Bon appetite"), a self-destruct command, and a comic reveal of the SPECTRE leader. Yadda yadda yadda Bond foils the plot and for the second time in five films, we hit the credits with 007 getting cozy in a raft with his latest swing.

THE BOND GIRL:
YOLT puts a lot less impact on one Bond girl, but if there is one woman who takes the lead role it is Mie Hama (somewhere Asian Nomar just got a boner) who plays Kissy Suzuki. In a role reversal from the last few installments, Kissy is an aide of Bond's, as the head of Japanese secret-service. Besides being deployed into the field where she is handy with the steel (to earn her keep), she plays a role in a fake marriage to Bond during his Asian "transformation."

Like Bond, Kissy seems to have no fears and willing to sacrifice all for the chance to make things right. She is central to the sabotage of SPECTRE's lair and the foiling of the evil plot, plus I already explained where she ends up when all is said and done. However we really never learn much about Kissy including her background or much about her personality. Except for her good looks she is almost as bland as the hundreds of extra ninjas. Hama, is a Japanese actress who brings a new flavor to Bond girls, and I give her a very bland double-o-5 out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

This is basically the end of the Sean Connery era and its sad to see him go, especially of Roger Moore sucks as bad as I hear. Connery brought unbelievable personality to the Bond character, including an awesome accent, unbelievable chauvinism, and a plume of chest hair. Besidesthe apex of Connery-isms YOLT is much more of a snapshot of the times than the other films. We are treated to a 1960's display xenophobia and Cold War fears that were rampant in the time of release.

Bond: Thunderball

2008-11-10T17:22:00.007-05:00

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

Thunderball (1965) watched 11/5/08

THE PREMISE:
Bond is back and this time SPECTRE has a new plan to foil the efforts of 007, with two stolen NATO atomic bombs. Bond's duty, which he quickly chooses to accept, is to retrieve the bombs and save NATO 100 million pounds in ransom money. In preparation for an amphibious journey, Bond just so happens to run into a SPECTRE henchman and officially has a lead for his mission, onto Nassau!

This is not a vacation, Bond is reminded by M that this is no vacation, and we quickly get the point as Bond survives a couple quick assassination attempts and meets a sinister fellow (obviously decked out in eyepatch) upon his arrival. Bond is also equipped with a Geiger counter, underwater camera, and a very hipster red leather-looking scuba suit. With his either really cool or really flamboyant gear set, Bond meets Domino (see Bond Girl), the estranged brother of henchman #1. Domino leads to Largo, arch-enemy #1 in Thunderball who relishes and matches Bond's wit and brashness, in many psychological pissing contests.

One thing leads to another and we end up with finding Bond in situations like the bugging his hotel room with the tape recorder in the hollowed book trick, the having sex in a steam room trick, and fighting way too many bad guys in an underwater spear-fight trick. Much of the film's violence actually occurs underwater in scuba suits with spears (post-kill line "I think he got the point"), a first for the Bond series, and its visual effects were Oscar-rewarded. Hardware notwithstanding, Thunderball was a bit of a drag, especially after Goldfinger. The underwater scenes, while revolutionary, seemed endless and it was often hard to tell which body was Bond's. The parade chase scene could also have used a good edit or seven.

Bond is still Bond though, and you cant argue with that. He tallies three more notches on his bedpost and another steamingly hot Bond Girl in Domino. His knack for the gadgets and willingness to punch cross-dressing funeral goers (ridiculous scene alert!) is admirable and cinematic poetry.

THE BOND GIRL:
The aforementioned Domino is another thoroughbred in the long line of Bond heroins. Domino in this case is a fickle beast; the brother of a spurned SPECTRE member, and the mistress of another, she is in a 1960's version of a Shakespeare tragedy. James Bond enters stage left and pursues the layered Domino to a point where she is saved on a number of levels and left in the safe arms of 007.
Domino is played by the desirable Claudine Auger. Visually tempting and ethically suspicious, it is clear why both Bond and the viewer are drawn to her and she is a trophy-case exploit for Bond, winning her over and additionally turning her against her lover. I will give her a double-0-8 out of 10.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:
Following Goldfinger is like following Lisa Lampanelli at a Comedy Central roast (NSFW), and Thuderball's biggest detraction is just that. It's not particularly memorable but not particularly bad, its just there, as Bond film #4. The special effects are its most notable triumph, and for someone watching in 2008, that novelty falls by the wayside. What's left is Sean Connery continuing to be the man; whether it's in a jet-pack evading a murder, or just diffusing a bombshell with just his accent and charm, Connery's Bond is reason enough to stay tuned.

Un-Patriotic Talk

2008-11-03T15:21:00.004-05:00

If you've followed the election (read: news) at all, its not news that many of Barack Obama's critics have called him unpatriotic. Recently, I have felt like Barack Obama. Not because I'm a big deal or that I'm black, but more that I too, have been called unpatriotic. Unlike Barry O, I've been slandered more by my friends, who think my lack of faith in the New England Patriots is sacrilege and heresy. I don't get flack for not wearing Patriots logos on my lapels but I do lose points for my declared lack of faith in my nation.

It all started when my friends and I began a NFL confidence pick 'em pool. Last year we all had the Patriots maxed out almost every week, that was a given for a 16-0 team. However this year, there was the incident-that-shall-not-be-spoken-of in week one and with a Brady-less team, I think the Patriots are Lindsay Lohan types of exposed (in the NSFW link kinda way).

Yadda, yadda, yadda, now the Patriots have drifted up and down my confidence board and in a couple weeks have even no-showed. Against the Chargers and Colts in weeks six and nine, I predicted (correctly) that the Patriots would lose. Everyone accepts that Matt Cassel is the 2008 recession-era version of Tom Brady, but I would go even farther. I posit our defensive backs are inexperienced and soft without Rodney Harrison, our linebackers old and stale, and offensive studs cannot be taken advantage of without Brady. This year's Moss and Welker are like toys on Christmas that don't come with AA batteries; they exist, but not to their fullest.

All season I've watched the Patriots squeak by cellar dwellers like the Chiefs and Rams. Even in wins against the Jets and the Broncos (41-7 on MNF!!!) I have been underwhelmed. Probably I am jaded by the ghost of Patriots' past and the other Boston sport successes, but I feel like I am the only who can see through the homer filter and understand that the only thing keeping these Pats above .500 is a horrendously weak schedule (even I can agree 9+ wins and the playoffs are a possibility).

But last night something changed. The Patriots showed up against the Colts, and for the first time all year, really impressed me. Final score notwithstanding, the Patriots hung with a fully rostered, albeit rusty Colts team. They handled Peyton, Wayne, and Addai more than I ever expected them too and even moved the ball on offense with a second-string QB and a third-string RB. The offensive line shined, Kevin Faulk drank from the fountain of youth, and Cassel wasn't a potential mole. All night I sat there with my re-found pride of the Patriots, like Michelle Obama with the US.

Then something else changed. Bill Belichick took the Patriots out of a game. I know there was a dropped touchdown and a drive-ending penalty, but to me General Hoodie kept the Pats out of the win column. First it was challenging a non-penalty that would net us five lame yards (unsuccessfully). And then it was a premature two point conversion. And then a second guessing timeout, which was our last one, early in the fourth. And then, and then, and then.

Coach didn't let up first downs, didn't drop six points, and didn't take a shot at a Colt after a play. But when we had a 4th and 15 with four minutes left, we had to go for it because stopping the clock wasn't an option. When we needed timeouts to mount a final drive, we didn't have them. And for the first time, our coach wasn't the best general on the field. It's two jarring changes in confidence but I think there's a better chance that the Pats keep impressing me than that Belichick keeps depressing me from here out.

Bond: Goldfinger

2008-10-29T21:05:00.003-04:00

Goldfinger (1964) watched 10/28/08

PREMISE: In maybe the most classic Goldfinger, we join Bond on a trip to the good ole U-S of A, on a mission to prevent a break in at Fort Knox. But that is getting a bit ahead of ourselves. The film opens with Bond being Bond, a scene in which he blows up an enemy's silo, has a spotlight stealing entrance to the nearby bar, brings a bar hottie home, is attacked just before the big kiss, and ends up electrocuting his attacker (Post-kill line "Shocking, positively shocking"). Quite the renaissance man.

Bond's next stop is Miami where he is sent to gather intel on a potential (foreshadowing!!) enemy, a fat, red-headed, miserly-look fellow named Goldfinger. This must be perhaps the least intimidating bad guy in the history of good versus evil. We meet the obesely sinister gentleman as he is cheating an opponent in a game of Gin; this guy could be most people's Jewish grandfather, so it doesn't even seem fair he has to compete with 007. Then again in one scene Bond actually cant outdrive a group of Asians in a car chase... I find it hard to believe that in 1964, this was the stereotype that didn't exist.

Meanwhile, Goldfinger, like his farcical half-brother Goldmember, is obsessed with all things gold. Whether it be the gold painted woman or the gold bullion Bond offers him before a stellar exhibition of golf hustle that would make Tin Cup proud. Goldfinger marks the first time Bond truly gets his ride pimped. Q and the British Intelligence Agency hook Bond up with a tricked out Aston Martin (smoke screens, oil slicks, ejector seat!!). Bond becomes a prisoner and spends most of the mission working from the inside in preventing the Fort Knox devastation.

THE BOND GIRL:

Two words: Pussy Galore. That's her name and she is a new breed of Bond girl. Pussy, is Goldfinger's personal pilot, and a part of his Knox plans in the form of a golden shower, literally. Pussy is a more modern woman than previous Bond girls and thus harder for Bond to manipulate. In fact, Bond barely gets a roll in hay (again literally) with Pussy before the final shootout.

Bond girl version three has many of the modern upgrades on the second protocol including better looks, stronger personality, and the fact that in the end she ends up saving the day. She kind of even looks like someone who could be a hot friend of your mom. Pussy Galore will probably go down more as a punchline in history than anything else, however, I give her a double-0-seven out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

Goldfinger is clearly a classic Bond and it lives up to the hype. It comes with a quickly paced plot and a more complex scheme than its predecessors. It also is different from the other two because its the first time James Bond really needs someone else to stop the henchman, as Pussy Galore comes to the rescue. While Bond continues to grow in stature and in legend, Ian Fleming perhaps has begun to suggest that Bond can't always do it alone. If for no other reason, see Goldfinger so that you start to get all of the everyday references to the film that previously flew over your head.

Bond: From Russia With Love

2008-10-27T23:47:00.011-04:00

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963) watched 10/27/08

PREMISE:

Bond strangled in a garden!? Secret notes in a chess match!? Gypsy fights!? Welcome to From Russia With Love, Ian Fleming's follow up to Dr. No. In this second installment Bond is sent to Istanbul into a known trap, to recover a Russian decoding machine for the Brits. Bond, skeptical at first, sees a photo of his mark (and eventual Bond Girl) and its lust at first sight, so much so that he accepts the perilous mission. And you know the rest, more near-misses in gun fights, narrowly avoiding a venom spiked shoe, and the old bait and switch with a drugged glass of wine. The best moment in terms of action, and maybe most improbable, is Bond's sniper-like shot of a man holding a grenade in a helicopter, which explodes the entire vehicle. Awesome.

This time around Bond is spied on by a man with a diabolical mustache and a sketchy shoeshine, further proof that Bond cannot get to an airport without being followed. FRWL is the first film where 007 is given an arsenal of gadgets; he's equipped with a briefcase that stores Russian gold coins, a throwing knife, ammo, and tear-gas security device. Bond is also armed with the same double entendres, and witty post-kill one liners at his disposal ("She should have kept her moth shut")

Otherwise its more of the same from during Bond's mission: smooth talking his way through interviews, sexing up potential enemies, and something between karate chopping and pistol whipping the bad guys. Bond is like a bad-ass Don Draper: He rolls in style with grey suits and fedoras, and pleases ladies in every city he visits (one in a canoe in London, two in a gypsy camp outside Istanbul, and one other throughout the movie).

THE BOND GIRL:

Our first look at Bond in FRWL is in a canoe with that post-sex glow, clearly no longer involved with Honey Ryder (a single tiny tear runs down my cheek). Canoe girl isn't the Bond girl, but we eventually meet the new Bond girl. She is drastically different this time, Tatiana Romanova, a Russian spy, who we know is part of the sceme against our hero. She is obviously attractive but packs neither the sex appeal nor the naive innocence of Honey Ryder. Maybe its a tough act to follow or maybe she really is just a huge step down, a sophomore slump, if you will.

Tatiana goes through a metamorphasis when the double-crossing begins, and there is never a "wow" moment with her. Like the first Bond girl, Tatiana is a thorn in the side of Bond's plans, but worse, she is whiny and pretty useless, considering she is an agent herself. Plus, that Russian accent isn't helping anyone either. I give her a double-0-five out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

I didn't like FRWL as much as DN but it was a nice transition from Bond the detective to Bond the spy. Bond gets more toys and gadgets and gets his hands dirtier before the final climax (speaking of climaxes, Bond sleeps with three more girls this time around, bringing the total count up to 6 in two movies). Bond has more pop to his punches and more swagger to his step. The evolution from British agent to international spy and womanizer has clearly begun.

Bond: Dr. No

2008-10-27T15:31:00.015-04:00

Most people have pegged November 4th as the most important day of the month and potentially in recent history. This would be something if Obama hadn't already wrapped things up, so I am looking forward, all the way forward to the next most important day in November, the 14th. On Friday the 14th, the United States of Barack will witness the unveiling of a real political hero, this one British, Mr. James Bond.

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

DR. NO (1962) watched 10/26/08

PREMISE:
Bond investigates a set of murders of British agents on the island of Jamaica. We meet Mr. Bond at a card table in England, winning hands, seducing women, and sexually harassing (in the cool way!) his secretary. Bond is clearly established as he is followed around by sketchy guy hiding behind newspaper at the airport, and tailed by a suspicious Hispanic driver in Jamaica.

Sean Connery as Bond is a weird image, since Connery exists in my head as Darrell Hammond on Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy. This Connery is young, ripped, and has an admirable amount of chest hair. Dr. No treats to us 1960's delicacies such as those awesomely fake backgrounds during driving scenes, lame post-kill punchlines like "I think they were on their way to a funeral," and a lack of cool Bond gadgets we've come to expect. Connery is given a new gun and silencer before his trip to Jamaica and at one point uses the old hair-on-the-door-frame trick to check the security of his hotel room.

Bond comes across more as a womanizer (gets his first of three lays nine minutes in) and detective, than a true spy, in this first chapter. The movie follows him as he tracks down the suspects and narrowly escapes CERTAIN DEATH, and by certain death a mean a planted tarantula in his bed, a sniper near miss, and a car chase on a cliff. Except for a three minute vent escape late in the film, there aren't many lulls.

THE BOND GIRL:

Ursula Andress played Honey Ryder, a sweet and innocent sea-shell searcher on Dr. No's Crab Key (Sound FX: spooky piano chord). Crab Key is like a mix between the Others' hideout on LOST and Bowser's Castle, if they existed during the Cold War. Our hero meets Honey Ryder on his Jamaican justice odyssey. It's the cliched story of love: she gets in the way and sets the radar off, he saves her from the potentially exploding missile factory, and the two end up creating their own happy ending in a rowboat.

Here's what you need to know, Honey Ryder is a ridiculously gorgeous, easily corruptible groupie. She is everything that is right about Bond girls: she is ludiciously hot (don't know if I mentioned that yet), doesn't steal his spotlight, and has that sneaky bed-hopping candor. She is definitely worth risking life and limb for and I would give her a double-0-nine out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

Chapter one was overall a real winner. Bond is set up as a real hero to the audience. There is little he can't talk, fight, or drive his way out of. Women, like the villains are no match for 007's slick and sly ways. For a first time watcher, there are many familiar scenes and motifs thanks to the Austin Powers trilogy. Its not a masterpiece, but its a strong start for the Bond series.

Fearless-er Predictions After Week 7

2008-10-22T18:21:00.010-04:00

So the last time I tried this, there were some bulls eyes and some train wrecks, leaving me to believe I was meant to do this again in week seven. Today I bring you the updated, accurate, clairvoyant, and likely to be revised in a few more weeks, team breakdowns. Lets start at the top:

MAIN COURSES: Cowboys, Giants, Steelers, Bills, Titans

Cowboys- Maybe Jerry Jones and I are alone in this, but these guys have too much talent not to be relevant in January.

Giants- They don't seem scary, but they kinda are; Eli doesn't seem good, but he kinda is.

Steelers- Surviving injuries and barely escaping games early and with their next four games being tough, they could find themselves a couple catergories lower next go-around.

Bills- Poor man's Titans (see Titans below) in an ACL-ripped division.

Titans- The best running game and the best defense in the league makes you forget the fossil standing under center.

THE SCRAPPY: Eagles, Packers, Jaguars, Bears, Cardinals, Bucs, Panthers

Eagles- They alternate showing up and not showing up, but had a bye week to straighten it out.

Packers- Can't count out a team in Lambau with a studly, bruising defense, just like you can't count out a petty former Packers quarterback dominating the headlines.

Jaguars- Really not deserving of faith, but they'll cakewalk through five of the next six weeks.

Bears- Another team with a "good enough" QB, a strong defense, and a crappy division.

Cardinals- Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league, and the only one who doesn't whine.

Bucs- Their defense is so manly, it makes up for their quarterback's not-so-manliness (just kidding he's got a much much hotter wife than anyone in the NFL, Tom Brady included).

Panthers- Maybe the most well rounded team in the claustrophobic NFC South.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE: Colts, Broncos, Patriots, Chargers, Ravens, Saints, Redskins, Falcons

Colts- I can't figure out if the Colts will make the playoffs, but you don't your team to play them there.

Broncos- Not a resume I would want to bring to a job interview.

Patriots- Don't be down about the Rodney Harrison injury; he was about as an effective safety option as Bristol Palin's birth control.

Chargers- Someone needs to tell them that this isn't study hall, they MUST show up every week.

Ravens- Impressive rebound from last year but they can't beat good teams.

Saints- A true enigma week in and out, they win and lose in baffling fashion.

Redskins- Most people don't value them this low, but most people don't have to trough through their games every week on TV.

Falcons- Ryan, Turner, Smith and other the other generic last name new editions are righting the Vick-Ship.

THE SCRAP HEAPS: Browns, Vikings, Jets, Texans, Seahawks, Dolphins

Browns- Like everyone else, they should just blame it on the economic crisis.

Vikings- Too many players on the team who aren't Adrian Peterson.

Jets- When you put an ugly girl in a pretty dress it doesn't change her from being an ugly girl.

Texans- Its my opinion that Gary Kubiak should be the next coach to go; Texans have too much talent to support the way they play.

Seahawks- Superbowl runners-up two years ago, a playoff win last year, and now one win in seven weeks; this team is needs a Red Bull or something.

Dolphins- That wildcat formation is too gimmicky to take seriously, yet keeps them above the stink.

PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Bengals, Raiders, 49ers, Chiefs, Lions, Rams

Bengals- A joke I heard- "The Bengals are like possums, they play dead at home and get killed on the road."

Raiders- Al Davis goes through head coaches like fantasy football owners go through kickers.

49ers- Another year where I wish the Patriots owned the rights to the 49ers lottery pick.

Chiefs- LJ spits in a woman's face, Tony Gonzalez DOES ask to be traded; nothing goes right in KC.

Rams- Just assuming Jim Haslett's 2-0 record is a modern day example of beginners' luck.

Lions- Since the Dolphins couldn't go 0-16 last year, these Lions could be the chosen ones.

Not Meant to Be

2008-10-20T16:32:00.004-04:00

So that happened. A Mark Kotsay (questionable) strikeout, a Jason Varitek (horribly ugly) strikeout, and a Jed Lowrie sharp grounder to second marked the end of an ultimately doomed post-season run. Kinda fitting when you think about it too, because it was an unbelievably feeble lineup that marked the beginning of the end for them.

And its weird. I'm not that upset, I'm more just disappointed; I feel like my parents giving me the old high school lecture. "I expected more from you, and have realized maybe I just had too high expectations." The truth is these Red Sox hit their peak a few weeks ago, and sadly were not a championship club as currently comprised.

The biggest thing I can see looking at the team, from a step back now that the season is over, is that this team was worse than last year's team. The pitching might have been a wash, but the Sox lineup was a PG version of last year's R-Rated monster.

This watered down version was without Manny Ramirez, Mike Lowell, and one wrist of David Ortiz, or the Big Recession. Jason Varitek got worse, Jacoby Ellsbury ended up buried on the bench, and Jed Lowrie showed his cold feet. The weight of the team lay on the shoulders of just a few hitters and that doesn't cut it in crunch time. On the bright side, the playoffs gave me the idea for my Jason Varitek Roadkill Halloween costume.

It wasn't a sad ending, it wasn't a pitiful whimper into oblivion, it wasn't a heartbreak; all things it looked like it might be at one point. Goodbye is never a fun word and losing never get easy, even if you are a Clippers fan, but the Sox demise won't haunt me the way others have (2003!, 2005, 2006 recently). Plus now I have time to catch up on my Steve Harvey Show DVDs.

But when you look back at the season you can feel assured that Youkilis, Pedroia, Lester, Masterson, Dice-K, and Jason Bay all took the metaphorical next step. With them back and a hopefully re-tooled Buchholz and Lugo, a better fitting Kotsay, a healthier Lowell and Ortiz, and a maturer Ellsbury, this team can certainly wreak havoc. Lets just hope its not our our havoc that's wreaked.

The 2008 Red Sox Hostage Crisis

2008-10-13T22:23:00.005-04:00

Look, I'm not saying that the ALCS is over, and I'm not saying I dont like Terry Francona but right now he has kidnapped the 2008 Boston Red Sox. The way he has managed the first three games makes me think he took the Rays in five, in the office pool. Now I know that Beckett's fastballs had less movement the last few weeks than John McCain's arms, that David Ortiz should be nicknamed Big Pop Up, and that it seems like Jason Varitek had to give up all of his talent in the divorce, but I think this all begins and ends with the skipper.

Usually, if Tito had kidnapped the Red Sox, he would leave a list of demands, but I've seen enough hostage movies to know that the negotiator must take charge, and the following are my list of demands to Francona, along with a message that if he just complies, this can all turn out just fine.

1) We can never bat Alex Cora and Jason Varitek next to each other in the lineup. No way, no how they are the ultimate rally killer, and like Jonah Hill says of McLovin, the anti-poon. These two are essentially automatic outs, like when girls get up to bat in summer beer softball. Varitek's superlatives all come in past tense form, and what can anyone say about Alex Cora except that he will one day make a good manager? Maybe that day should come sooner than we all think.

2) Take Mike Timlin, walk him into the players parking lot, and run him over with JD Drew's All Star MVP Chevy Tahoe. Well maybe not that, but you get my drift. I love Timlin, I am grateful for Mike Timlin, but his tenure with the Red Sox this season should have ended with the regular season. Francona is always called a players manager and its obvious this is a feel good decision that isn't so feel good anymore.

3) Jon Lester should have been removed today in the fourth inning and slated to start game six. Everyone has bad games but why are we keeping him around to waste pitches today. This game screamed for a Paul Byrd innings eater. If Lester had stayed under 60 pitches, he could have easily pitched on short rest in game 6. Not anymore, 96 pitches. Why?

4) Jacoby Ellsbury should be bunting, and not off his forehead. I don't know what his 0-fer streak is at right now but you gotta try anything you can to shake a slump. Ellsbury's repertoire of 300-foot flyballs helps no one. Put the ball on the ground Willie Mays Hayes or else get comfortable being a pinch runner.

5) Sometimes a sacrifice is an out worth giving up. Especially with most of our guys Ice Age cold right now, why can't we give up an out to move a runner up. I know that you don't change horses midstream and that we aren't a team that gives up outs but maybe you shake up the pot a little bit. Otherwise the only guys who are hitting (Pedroia, Bay, Kotsay) will stop seeing pitches all together.

6) Please refuse all mid-inning interviews. Unless contractually obligated, which would make no sense, please stop talking to Chip Carey and Buck Martinez mid-inning. You don't shed any light on any aspects of baseball and you do not help our team win by taking 5 minutes off, which I am pretty sure, is why we're all here. Plus those guys are atrocious at broadcasting games, a growing trend in baseball broadcasting.

7) Learn from past mistakes. In game One you left Dice-K in for the start of the eighth. Even though he had been spectacular, he was showing signs of fatigue, was way over pitch count, and was letting more guys to first base than the slutty girl at a sweet 16 party. Dice-K should've only seen the eighth inning from the dugout or locker room, with a bag of ice on his shoulder. We don't need another Grady Little situation, I won't see this team go down like that again. Trust your bullpen, which mostly has been exceptional in the past few weeks (for exception to rule, see demand 2).

Mr. Francona, please please let the team go. It's only 2-1 Rays, we've come back from more. No one wants to get hurt here and no one has to. If we work together we can make it all better. We're always told that baseball players need short memories in times of struggle, and we too can forgive and forget. You have a contract through 2011 so there will be no ransom paid, now GIVE ME BACK MY TEAM.

The Red Zone Channel

2008-10-12T22:50:00.002-04:00

There are good days in the week and bad days, and then there are Sundays, most often the best days. Autumn Sundays are so good because they overcome things like hangovers and looming workdays to become the best days of the week. Today was no exception.

First there was that hangover, thanks to the Miller Lite pitchers duel between Davo and me during the lack of pitchers duel between Scott Kazmir and Josh Beckett.

Like Kazmir, and Beckett, we got bombed, but unlike them, we weren't removed in the fifth inning. Anyway, I pulled myself together enough to head out and watch the NFL games, but this Sunday would be like no other Sundays.

For this Sunday was my first experience with The Red Zone Channel (sound fx: Hallelujah Choir). Perhaps some of you have had the pleasure of RZC before, and maybe others of you are as unfamiliar with RZC as Jason Varitek is with playoff RBI's. Basically its an add-on premium to the DirecTV NFL package; a channel that brings you to whichever game is in the most interesting situation, and then flips when another game becomes relevant. No commercials, so we are spared 31 Frank TV ads and 24 renditions of Bon Jovi's I Love This Town, worth the price of admission alone (but then again you also wouldn't get to see this unbelievable David Fincher Nike Ad that was all over the place Sunday).

There's all sorts of other fun that comes with RZC. If two games are equally close to scoring you get splitscreen red-zone coverage. If four games are equally close, RZC gets Jack Bauer on you

and lights you up on four screens. Also if someone scores from outside of the red zone while you're tuned to a different game, they drop a "Packers/Seahawks Update Coming" graphic on screen, which opens the door to a guessing game of what could be coming. In that case, Charlie Frye pick-six is the safe bet, but the suspense is as much fun as the reveal.

Meanwhile as DirecTV flips you to a new game, you usually even score a sarcastic comment from RZC host Andrew Siciliano, usually a dig at Dan Orlovsky or whoever is trying to defend Andre Johnson (especially at 2:03 in the video). RZC is even a parlay-ers best friend (besides JT O'Sullivan in the fourth quarter, of course) as it flips you across the NFL nation without having to move a thumb.

We were lucky enough yesterday to have a two TV set up, which I would consider ideal. RedZone on the main screen with the best match-up on the deuce. Pair that with a couple PapaJohns pizzas, a leather couch, a room full of sports memorabilia, and five games decided on the last play and Sunday felt more like the weekend and less like the weekends end.

The Debate about the Debate

2008-10-07T21:53:00.009-04:00

No one agrees on health care, no one agrees on taxes, no one agrees on offshore drilling, and no one agrees who won a debate, because debates are stupid unscored events that are left for interpretation. That's why sports are so great, because no matter what John Lackey says about the better team not winning the ALDS, we know that in fact, the Red Sox won the series AND that they are now the better team. But not so for the debate, Fox will say John McCain was better, CNN will say Barack Obama is the winner; I say we are all the losers for accepting this crap.

The debate had so many problems, it felt like the last episode of Entourage at Joshua Tree.

Let's start with the most obvious problem, the format. There must be a better way. What about a format that worked like boxing where each round was scored by a panel of non-partisan judges? That could ensure that the actual question ends up being remotely related to the eventual answer. If the winner of each debate got even one electoral vote, I promise that Obama and McCain would have direct, understandable answers.

Why are these formats are so bland and amorphous. I keep hearing about all these "rules" that the two parties agreed to beforehand but I don't understand why we only choose to enforce them every so often. Or post them anywhere, even strip clubs post the rules somewhere. And this was supposed to be a town hall meeting format? Funny because I thought Tom Brokaw was asking most of the questions?

What about a format that doesn't include a time limit so short that they surpass it before they ever get back to answering the actual question asked? That time limit is such a joke that its offensive to be flashing those three useless stop-sign lights for while we discuss conserving energy. You wouldn't have Osama bin Laden work the lighting during a question about terrorism. How about instead of those stupid lights, we cut the candidates mics when their time runs out? What if they had an annoying buzzing noise in their earpieces when the time ran out until the talking stopped? I bet it will only take one violation for them to figure out the meaning of CHANGE in this forum. These are going to be the leaders of the free world, even Pavlov's dog got it right after a few tries.

At one point tonight, Tom Brokaw asked a question about Russia and said all it would take was a simple yes or a no. Obama spoke for 20 seconds or so and McCain said "Maybe." Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Can I vote for someone, anyone else? Sean Hannity?

We need the candidates to address each other; what if they put each other's policies on the spot. We need candidates to pull some punches; this is America, where we like feistiness and showmanship. We need some penalty for the circle-talk and mumbo-jumbo; I say air the debate on Nickelodeon and when the banter get unbearable, the banterers get a pie in the face or get slimed (better wear a tie that matches slime green!).

I think its funny that so much the campaign is directed at "Joe Six-Pack" and middle America (cue Mellencamp, who is actually liberal) yet most discussions are too hard to follow for even graduates of private four-year colleges (a non-scientific poll of my roommate and me). If we're aiming for lowest common denominator on the campaign trail, why can't we make these debates a little more layman-ish. I'm not saying turn the debate into a 'Yo Mamma' joke contest, but how about something user-friendly. I would find it more informative if the candidates fielded live questions from random citizens, if they played each other in a game of Risk or Monopoly, or if they had a geography bee.

Basically anything more than a coin flip or a rocks/papers/scissors match would be beneficial because we just don't learn anything from these messes. In three debates so far, all I've learned is that Joe Biden isn't afraid to cry, Sarah Palin has more balls than anyone else on the ballot, and that no one likes gay people. There was more to be learned from Katie Couric's few questions than from Jim Leher's, Gwen Ifill's, and Tom Brokaw's combined.

Call me crazy but I just think that if we're supposed to vote on the issues than we should get clear answers on the issues. If they're supposed to lure 'the middle' than they should talk so 'the middle' can understand. If it's our civic duty to vote, than these debates shouldn't be so unwatchable.

(And here's the really really crazy part- the Saturday Night Live spoofs of the debates are so hilarious because they are hardly spoofs. They are mostly just repetitions of the ridiculousness of what is actually being said in these forums.)

It's time for these debates to get busy living or get busy dying, something has to change. Either put some teeth in these things or let's just leave the networks to air more crappy sitcoms. As they stand, the debates are like prom: overbuilt expectations, bland memories, and in the end me going to bed alone, frustrated, and confused. At least I never had three proms in one month. We are all the debate losers.

Fearless Predictions After Week 2

2008-09-14T21:40:00.006-04:00

I feel similarly about the predicting things relating to the NFL as I do going to strip clubs. I like to get in there and get my bearings before making any rash decisions. At a strip club, you want to get comfortable with your surroundings, try to find the best location, take a gander at the personnel; basically do a little research before committing to anything. Picking NFL games is pretty much the same thing. Just like you don't walk in and start throwing around bills like they're nothing, you don't jump in and start making rash predictions like the Bills will be nothing.

Last year after watching a full slate of week 1 games, I thought I had figured everything out. I assumed I would be making the bookies my bitches and impressing my friends with clairvoyance. I probably don't need to explain to you that my plan didn't exactly work out. This year I have taken in two weeks of games and still don't have it all figured out, but I'm on the scent. Right now the NFL is the polar bear in the jungle of LOST and I am scouring the trail like Locke, picking up on all sorts of clipped branches, spots of blood, and footprints. I will find that polar bear, but for now, here's what I have:

THE CONTENDERS: Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, Panthers, Giants, Steelers, Colts, Broncos, Patriots.

Cowboys- With Brady put down, demonstrative favorites and most fun team to watch thanks to HBO's Hard Knocks.

Eagles- Sure they destroyed a bad team but they are back to their old selves.

Packers- Too many parallels between Aaron Rodgers and Obe Won to doubt them

Panthers- Like S hamWow, I don't really get how this works, but you can't argue with results, and they've cleaned up two big stains.

Giants- It's cute that one New York team doesn't lose.

Steelers- Best looking team in the AFC so far which is like saying the cutest girl at fat camp.

Colts- Peyton Manning Beta may be a downgrade from the original, but its not Jason Patric in Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Broncos- They've got talent, luck, and a good schedule on their side.

Patriots- Possibly the child sitting at the Contenders' grown-up table right now but they are still hungry.

PRETTY SCRAPPY: Bills, Browns, Titans, Jaguars, Bears, Vikings, Cardinals

Bills- Two great outings bolstered by stellar defense the pride of Canada this year.

Browns- With losses to the AFC and NFC favorites so far it may be time to start identifying the emergency exits but don't jump yet!

Titans- You can't win a SuperBowl with Kerry Collins and good defense but you can sure cover a lot of spreads.

Jaguars- People calling them preseason favorites is a joke considering they got worse this year.

Bears- A team that drastically improved and went back to its roots of defense and running.

Vikings- Tarvaris Jackson is the biggest tragedy in Minnesota since that bridge went down... too soon?

Cardinals- Should romp to the NFC West crown, or as I like to call it, the 8th place ribbon.

NOT HORRIBLE, BUT NOT GOOD: Bucs, Chargers, Jets, Ravens, Texans, Saints

Bucs- Should be better, should be good; wont be better, wont be good.

Chargers- As usual, the Chargers softness will ultimately undermine their ridiculous talent.

Jets- "Why Football is Not a One Man Sport" by Brett Favre with an introduction by Steven Jackson

Ravens- Haven't seen them enough yet to be sure they won't live up to expectations.

Texans- The nip-slip of the NFL: fun and worth checking out, but ultimately unsatisfying.

PRETTY CRAPPY: Bengals, Raiders, Redskins, Falcons, Seahawks, 49ers

Bengals- If Carson Palmer was a baseball player we would have already convicted him as a steroid-user.

Raiders- What do you even say about a team that announces it will fire its coach after the game and still beats a division opponent on the road?

Falcons- Improving, but then again Matt Ryan running a cat-fighting ring would be a positive step.

Seahawks- Like Sarah Palin, the more I see, the more I detest them.

49ers- Maybe my fantasy crush on Frank Gore is blinding me here or maybe my fantasy crush of Frank Gore is blinding me here.

PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Dolphins, Chiefs, Lions, Rams

Dolphins- Miami is making a serious run at Seattle for worst sports city of the year.

Chiefs- I think it's weird you never hear Tony G. requesting a trade.

Lions- Annual leader in fan signs asking team to fire front office staff for a reason.

Rams- The worst teams in the NFC and AFC play in Missouri.

The Post-Brady Era (PBE)

2008-09-08T19:58:00.018-04:00

So that sucked...

Bernard Pollard took me back to a place I hadn't been in a while; a place I had only been with Aaron Boone and David Tyree in recent memory. Sports heart break. Where changing from 'invincible' to 'invisible' can happen in one moment. Where concern shifts from "How many TDs will Randy Moss get for my fantasy team this week?" to "Are the Patriots finished this season?"

Stories about Brady's injury ran on every channel today from ESPN to Fox News. There was no escaping the punchline of jokes about karma (he had been off of the pregame injury report for the first time in the last 57 games...) and no escaping the awful tabloid headlines like "Breaking Knees."

Boston has always been a hotspot for sports pessimism and from what I've read New England is thoroughly and understandably depressed (I am encouraged however that my dad, a psychologist, probably has lots of opportunity for business as a grief counselor for the next few weeks). But let's try to take the next few minutes and be optimistic.

Maybe this is the chance the Patriots need to restore their image. It's no doubt that the Patriots have replaced the Cowboys as the most hated team in football. We've been almost invincible (there's that word again) for the last few years. We've cheated and been caught. We've blamed losses on flukes. We've turned a thug into the most electric receiver in football. We're the dicks who show up to the party, drink all the good beer, take the girls and leave without saying goodbye.

Now that we've lost the NFL's darling player, we have a chance to become the NFL's darling team. Imagine the Patriots, sans league MVP, making a run for the Lombardi trophy; it's not likely but that's what makes it a cinderella story. And while its easy to see Tom's ripped achilles in the empty glass, you can also see all of the potential in Welker, Moss, Seymour, and Belichick, if you dare look into the full glass. This team may have one anchor, but the boat won't drift away without him.

And if the Patriots can piece together enough wins for the playoffs (thank god for our easy schedule!) just think about the stories that await. The adoration for a team just muddling though, a team going back to its blue-collar roots, will be unequivocal. Football Beatle-mania! Like Andy Dufresne wrote, "And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little farther." Add that media adoration with a genius mind on the sideline, and a team with AARP-like experience, and the motivation of a bunch of guys who've been counted out, and who knows what might happen. We could shatter the glass ceiling.

Or we can get stuck on the ground floor. No one knows how it's gonna go (and if they do, please tell me so I can gamble accordingly) but what we do know is that Brady will be spending time at home, watching most games with Gisele resting on his right knee. Nothing will change that... unless he wants someone even hotter, but that's not helping the Patriots. What might help, is a fan-base not quitting, like all the pundits have. It might not matter either, but there's no sense in quitting.

Top 10 Things of the Second Half of Summer (Mid July-Sept)

2008-09-01T19:49:00.019-04:00

Labor day is winding down which means beer hangovers mixed with summer hangovers. An optimist would point out that we can appreciate the weather for a few more weeks, but a pessimist would counter with the idea that true summer mentality exists from Memorial to Labor Day, and everything else is just poseur-ism. I subscribe to the latter camp and without further ado, will reflect on the Top 10 Things from the second half of Summer 2008 (in no particular order).

Dustin Pedroia- In the dog days of summer, the Red Sox won a bunch, lost a bunch, and kept afloat in the AL playoff push. It seems the like Sox have gone through everything, Manny maybe leaving, Manny maybe staying, Manny actually leaving, injuries to everyone. Basically the only rock has been last year's rook: Dustin Pedroia. In the last month he's the number one fantasy player, and has 6 homers, 20 RBIs, and 5 SBs while batting .376 (1.081 OPS for the baseball nerds!!!). Last week he helmed the team during a 2 outta 3 series against the White Sox when he was the only opening day starting infielder not injured; all he did was go 9 for 12 in the series. Pedroia is the levee during the Sox tumultuous hurricane-season summer.

Mad Men- Word of mouth to the rescue again! The buzz in my office for AMC's Mad Men was strong I subsequently dove into the kool-aid pitcher head first (double metaphor bonus!) by DVR-ing a marathon and plowing through it in a week. Maybe you've seen the commercialss for it, touting it as the Emmy whore, and it hasn't impressed you much, that's understandable. It seems a lot like a bunch of 1950's businessmen sharing a smoke talking business, but it would be naive to quit on it after a boring ad. Here's what Mad Men is: It's The Wire set in mid 20th century Madison Avenue. Like The Wire it is more of a miniseries driven by strong character developments rather than plotlines. Characters aren't clearly good or bad, but ARE always scheming in extramarital affairs, enjoying midday drinks, and dropping hilariously chauvinistic lines from an era when men told women what was up.

Hilton Head Golf- Picture this: an entire island full of golf courses, and not just muni's but nice, well-groomed, fairly inexpensive courses. Such a place actually exists and not too far away. We're talking about Hilton Head Island, the site of Bard Family Summer Vacation 2008. Also coincidentally the site of Josh Bard Golf renascence 2008. The island is so full of great courses that most are offered for half-price as last minute tee-times, its like they're giving it away. 3 beautiful courses, 3 beautiful scores (94, 92, 91) in one week. The 2008 golf revival even carried on with a few more rounds in the same range. I am ready to pitch a show for Golf Channel called I Love the 90's.

Chicago- Rewind

Fantasy Football Drafts- Some things, like New Years' Eve and the Belmont Stakes, are guaranteed wah wahhhs. Fantasy football drafts, on the other hand, like episodes of How I Met Your Mother, are consistently living up to the hype, no matter the build-up you give it.

Fantasy football drafts are the cornerstone of enjoyable things: catching up with friends (read: making fun of your friends), crossing things off lists, and pretending that you know more than you do. There are always a couple winners in a given draft: there's the guy who picks the best team, there's the guy who is always has the funny retorts to odd picks, and there's the guy with the best team name (this year's nominees: Orton Hears a Boo, The Clay Davis All Stars, and Jews for Purple Jesus).

Heirloom Tomatoes- I'm gonna go from getting all Mel Kiper on you to getting all Martha Stewart on you now. Bit of a change of pace here but something that must be mentioned. Heirloom tomatoes are those horrifically ugly , multi-colored, elephantitis-y looking tomatoes. If you're shallow enough to get over the look of them, an award of a delicacy awaits for you. They are sweet and delicious and are to tomatoes as Filet Mignon is to steak. Blogger General's Warning: Consumption of heirloom tomatoes can lead to one becoming a tomato snob, or the tomato equivalent of that guy at the bar who will only drink Stella Artois or Red Stripe or something. Don't be that guy.

Anticipation of Fall TV- Will Sarah Tancredi return to Prison Break? Will Jim and Pam's romance bloom? Will Robin ever win a Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Will Ted and Barney's reconciliation work? Will Scrubs still suck? With no girlfriend, these are the questions keeping me up at night.

Sarah Palin- The more I learn about her the more I don't like, so I'm trying not to read anything else about the Republican VP Nominee. Only pictures from here on out. I think the real debate here is whether we are labeling her as a Cougar or a MILF. Can't you just see her as a stripper who is doing the whole "Naughty Teacher" bit. She loses the glasses, shakes the hair out, Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" plays. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

Brew Thru- Ever feel like you want to pick up beer without leaving your car? The Brew Thru makes such lofty dreams possible. Welcome to the Outer Banks' drive-thru liquor stores; essentially a gutted car wash lined with fridges, cases of beer, and drinking paraphernalia. They even load it all into your trunk, so make sure you get that dead hooker's body out before you get there.

America the Beautiful- The 5 most beautiful women of the US Olympic Team...
Jenny Finch- A silver medal athlete and a gold medal hottie.
Natalie Coughlin- Owns the Water Cube and my heart.
Kim Glass- Can't find a photo to do her justice, but she's better than May/Walsh, take my word for it.
Lola Jones- Hotness like Rashida Jones but somehow they aren't related.
Lauren Cheney- Narrowly edged out Hope Solo, Heather Mitts, and Tobin Heath on the hottest US Olympic team

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: Heckling Manny at Nationals Park

2008-08-29T13:58:00.001-04:00

Sometimes you gotta be careful what you wish for. I learned that when I said that I wanted no part of Jason Bay and that the Red Sox were waving a white flag by trading Manny. I also learned that again last night when I went, with a few friends, to go heckle Manny Ramirez and Dodgers when they came to DC to face the Nationals.

It was a grand plan. A buncha beers, front row seats in left field, and a list of Spanish swears were what I was counting on, to try to get into Manny Ramirez's head. I knew realistically that penetrating Manny's mind would be a difficult task without pegging him with a javelin from the stands (a measure I wasn't willing to take for the sake of Sox pride). What I had forgotten though was Manny's propensity for playing drastically shallow in left field, so shallow that our left field box seats were not close enough to reach him with our voices.

And we tried. We tried when he came back to the wall to watch homeruns go over his head, we tried when he hustled over to snag a line drive in the gap, we tried when he was playing catch between innings. Thanks to some Miller Lite confidence, we shouted and shouted and I dont think he heard much, if anything. Instead of letting him know we didn't miss him and that he was a ducha perezosa (lazy douche) or a mierda arrogante (arrogant shit) we were forced to heckle Dodgers' bullpen members like Jason Johnson and Joe Beimel who probably haven't spoken more than four words to Manny either.

What Manny did do was homer in our faces, and make a couple nice plays near us. The sole satisfaction (besides seeing Christian Guzman hit for the cycle) was that the Dodgers got shelled by the lowly Nats and are on the outside looking in at the playoffs. It would be nicer though if I thought that Manny was actually disappointed.

My Kind of Town...

2008-08-24T20:26:00.016-04:00

There are too many reasons that getting on a plane and flying home sucks. Usually its the knowledge that vacation is over and workdays loom in the near future. Or the barefooted, belt-less rite of passage through the metal detector before the opening of the packed carrying and the tossing of the folded clothes. All of those took a toll on me today on the way home from Chicago, along with a weird nostalgia I don't often get.

Quarter life crises are usually reserved for birthdays, friends' engagements, or massive failures, but I just couldn't help but think bigger on my flight from Chicago to DC today. Here's the thing, Chicago is awesome. I mean like really a great city. So in the window seat of row 16 before takeoff at O'Hare this afternoon, my thought process went something like this: Chicago is great... Chicago has to be one of the best cities in the US... Chicago is better than DC... Why should I live in DC if it isn't as good as Chicago?

And there it was, the question that pained me until it my pensiveness was interrupted by the dumb-ass in front of me reclining his seat as far back as the cartilage in my knees would allow, leaving me with two numb knees and one mind-numbing question.

What is keeping me in Washington? Of my six closest college friends, all six have left the District and its vicinity. The last two left this summer; maybe its a time for changing scenes. We are young and still have fairly loose ties to our cities. For me its more sentimental than physical baggage in Washington. What do I have here really? A place near a Whole Foods, a pu-pu platter of friends (in the sense that its a good mix, not that they smell), and a reputation for drinking on rooftops before enjoying jumbo slice... (which is an embarrasment compared to Chicago's pizzas)

The best thing about Washington is they city itself. DC's practically unlimited public spaces and opportunities embedded within it may be only dwarfed by those of Chicago (as a disclaimer I was just in Chicago for five days with my parents so I didn't spend much money, we had great weather, and was unrestricted by a daily work schedule). However the nightlife, the city's accessibility, the general Midwestern eccentricities are hard to imagine ever being anything but lovable. Wrigley Field, the bi-weekly Navy Pier fireworks, and Lake Michigan are things other cities cannot come close to offering (and I didn't even mind watching TV an hour earlier than normal).

In terms of girls, I have found finding a suitable girl in DC as easy as finding a Chinese gymnast's birth certificate; I'm sure both exist, it just takes a lot of work to unearth a good one. Let's just say of the last couple serious threats at bachelorhood from within DC's borders, I have spent more man-hours trying to find ways to avoid running into them after the fact, than I ever spent appreciating them. From my limited, weekend-long sample size of Chicago's female species, I posit that they seem to be worth relocating for. And from the guy who wishes he brought you the notion that girls in Red Sox caps are cute, wait til you see girls in Cubs jerseys... (that link wasn't fair...)

However there is a but, and its a but so big that Sir Mix-a-Lot wants in on it. In terms of my visits to Chicago, I've been twice, been smitten twice, and never dealt with the thing people say is the worst aspect of Chicago... survey says: WINTER (the overwhelming number one answer). I don't think I could really deal with the cold.

I hated living in Boston from after Halloween until the after the first month of Red Sox games. I even complain about DC's PG-13 winters; basically I am ill-equipped to deal with anything that requires more than a NorthFace and cords. I am a winter pussy and am comfortable knowing that it will likely keep me south of the Mason-Dixon line forever.

Climate isn't the only thing though keeping my roots in the National's Capital. Truth is that I love my job and currently have the strongest loyalty to it. I couldn't imagine leaving my job. In some ways it feels like my DC family, in others my DC social network, but mostly my DC love.

I ended up sleeping off my Midwestern-biased grogginess on the flight and resigned myself to the fact that I will likely vote for the next couple presidential elections from the District. And its not a bad thing. I'm starting my seventh straight year in DC and feeling more in control of my destiny than ever, which might be more of a convincing statement if I could just get that Frank Sinatra song out of my head.

Olympic FAQs

2008-08-11T21:00:00.020-04:00

Not sure if you heard but Beijing is currently hosting the Summer Olympics. It gives us a chance to see other countries, to follow events that Versus won't even televise, and to pretend we know about things that baffle us.

I have spent a lot of time in the last couple of days watching the Olympics and brushing up on everything from archery to badminton (rules as explained by Marcy Stoda) to trampoline and feel confident in already being able to call myself an expert. As self-proclaimed expert, I will now answer some lingering questions that are bothering many viewers, after a few days of fierce international competition and awkward international pageantry.

Question 1: I've been watching a lot of handball and am wondering why isn't more prominent in the United States?

Answer: There is no good answer, maybe its because we can't all agree to quit on hockey. But if you've watched handball so far I think you'd all agree that we could trade the NHL and the WNBA for a sweet handball league. It plays like basketball combined with soccer and packs lots of scoring with the propensity for horrific collisions and exquisite dodgeball-esque facials.

Handball is the perfect spawn of athleticism, entertainment, and danger. The US needs to start a grass-roots movement to get more neighborhood handball leagues and hope that it catches on enough to expose enough stars of the game to create our own national league.

Question 2: Can you explain what is going on with the synchronized diving?

Yes, in fact I can. Synchronized diving looks for two aspect in each paired dive: synchronization and precision of the dive. There are two sets of judges and each set is focused on only one of the above criteria. And not only do the divers have to be totally in sync but also must enter the water at a perfectly vertical position which can be measured by how small of a splash the divers create.

What is really cool about the diving is nothing, but what is noteworthy is the camera that runs vertically along the diving platform that follows the divers from takeoff to landing in real time. It gives you a sense of how quick these guys must complete somersaults and twists and an appreciation for why this is an actual event (my first thought was why not have a complimentary event where the goal would be both synchronization and maximum splash). Also interesting is the play by play announcer. I don't know what her name is but as soon as the pair are underwater, she knows exactly where the faults were in the attempt, after seeing it only once (it wasn't tape delay when I was watching). A question I cannot answer though is what she does in the three year, 11 month offseason.

(OFF TOPIC QUESTION: How soon is too soon to start sending out texts about possible no-hitters? Jon Danks is through 4 innings; Can I start sending out the warnings?)

Question 3: I feel sometimes like Michael Phelps is kinda a douche. Do I HAVE to root for him anyway?

This may be a contradiction to most people's feelings about Phelps, but this actually hits home for me. Others may understand better if they exchange Phelps with common hate-targets such as Mike Krzyzewski or Serena Williams. While I would like to see him win all eight golds as much as the next American, there is a hint of douchebaggery from the Baltimore native (not quite as strong as the lime flavor in Tostitos with a hint of lime). First of all, there was the DUI incident a few years ago, after his last Olympics triumph (if I were an American Olympic Chairman I would institute a rule that any athlete who got a DUI, domestic violence, or other felony, would not be allowed to participate in the next Olympics. That means you too Carmelo. These guys are representing our country; lets try to pick some people we can be proud of and who can win some medals).
Phelps' second fault to me is undefinable... its sorta intangible, which may delegitimize it. I guess the best way to explain it is a combination of his air of superiority, his hogging of the swimming events, and his smug iPod pre-race look. Its not that I don't appreciate his swagger and skill set, I just don't get the sense that he is not a guy I would want to be friends with.

Anyway last night's 4x100m freestyle relay (even though Phelps wasn't even winning after his first leg) was the greatest Olympic event I have witnessed since the Dream Team. I will be both watching and on-my-feet cheering for Phelps for the rest of the games, at which point I will flush him out of my mind for 4 more years (like Hillary Clinton).

Plus it yielded this priceless headline.

Question 4: Who is the United States' biggest rival?

Hard to say for sure, there may be a few nominees for best Olympic villain. The easy answer would be China, our toughest competition in the medal count. However they are the home nation and unless you really care about the whole Free Tibet thing, I don't know what they've done to us.

Russia is always scumming around and after the not so timely invasion of Georgia, they have a certain hate-ability. Plus there was the big Benedict Arnold debate over Becky Hammond.

Meanwhile, Afghanistan had this little nugget that may raise an eyebrow and Iran not really winning Nobel Peace prizes either.

Belgium though, is my dark horse in this race. Since Belgium-based inBev bought out Anheuser-Busch, I think we've all felt somewhat threatened by the tiny, delicious country. I would take great pride in beating them down and re-enforcing our alcoholic superiority

Question 5: How great is that Marvin Gaye national anthem commercial for Nike?

It good and if you haven't seen it, here is the long version. Apparently coincides with the story Coach K played the Gaye anthem in one of the first Team USA practices this summer, to inspire his squad. HOWEVER, there is an even better Nike Olympics commercial set to The Killer's tune All These Things That I Have Done. No offense to Marvin Gaye (or Francis Scott Key), but here is that commercial, which is far more inspirational and beautifully edited.

Also worth noting are the series of Visa commercials with Morgan Freeman narration of past Olympic glory. Whoever his hospital roommate was, was a very lucky sick person.

(OFF TOPIC NOTE- Youkilis singles in the 7th to break up the no-no one inning after my mass text went out. YOU'RE WELCOME)

Question 6: Those little gymnast girls are creepy, right?

I'm glad you asked! Yes, the female gymnasts from China, Russia, and other nations, have given

me the heebie-jeebies. For those scoring at home, that makes them slightly creepier than the Miley Cyrus hour of MTV Live recorded on my DVR but not as creepy as those pageant girls at the end of Little Miss Sunshine. Its on par with the twins in The Shining. For me they are an automatic channel change. These girls are eerily small, and their tiny little feet, pony tails, and incredibly strong grip are a

combination that easily equates nightmare fuel. Let's move on quick.

Question 7: Have there been any letdowns so far in the games?

I can think of three notable letdowns thus far. First was the revelation that during the Opening Ceremonies (which were absolutely fantastic) the footprint fireworks that trekked down the Beijing Olympic Strip were actually CGI effects. Bummer, because it the powerful image was one that really stuck out as beautifully symbolic and yet astoundingly badass.

Second on the list would be Andrea Kremer's post-swim race interviews. She takes gold in the interview butchering medley. She's done it in four ways, at least: Constant interrupting, losing the interview subject, asking the same dumb question consecutively in two different ways, and standing in front of the aqua-Goddess Natalie Coughlin.

And the third big letdown was the organization of the soccer tournament. Due to a clash with FIFA, the Olympic Soccer rosters are comprised of athletes under 23-years old. That means instead of Cristiano Ronaldo, Luca Toni, Fernando Torres, and the other footballers we have become familiar with through Champions League, EuroCup, and the '06 World Cup, we are rooting for strangers. Not really the whole "best in the world" thing I thought the Olympics prided themselves on...

Let's Make it a Blockbuster Night

2008-07-30T19:35:00.009-04:00

Asking whether or not the Red Sox should trade Manny Ramirez is a shortsighted and incomplete question; there is no right or wrong answer. The realistic question to ask is how much do the Red Sox need to re-coop for them to give away a first ballot Hall of Famer, our 2004 World Series MVP.

While it's clear that he's losing it upstairs in the control center, it's not fair to suggest he's losing much on his swing. Whether we like it or not, our offense runs through Manny as much as any teams offense runs through a single player. You want Ortiz to see strikes again? Better keep Manny in that clean up spot. Dont wanna lose more than 100 runs of production and a clutch October bat from your lineup? Better keep Manny in the clean up spot.

Current reports are that the Red Sox are talking to the Marlins about stripping Manny down and selling him for parts. This is so dumb that Jerry Remy rallied against this tonight before talking about himself. I think making this move would be the equivalent of waving a white flag and starting to plan early fall vacations. HELLO McFLY!!! We're just behind Tampa and we're leading the Wild Card race.

Now here comes the curveball... I think there is a good option for a Manny trade, a trade we can make and still defend our World Series championship. A trade that I haven't heard mentioned anywhere yet (as of 7:50 PM): why not trade Manny for Ichiro? Both are outfielders who are on-again off-again disgruntled with their teams. Both are outfielders who are very highly paid. Both are outfielders who can be championship pieces (maybe not this year for the Mariners but they should be better soon). And both are outfielders who can be identified by just one name.

If the Sox and M's can work out a salary match for the two players (Manny apparently demands that his 2 club options be thrown out so he can work to sign a 4-year $100 million deal and Ichiro is on the books until 2012 at $17 million per), I believe this is a tailor made deal. Both teams shake up their rosters by giving up their franchise guy, yet don't lose talent or star-power. Ichiro would feel at home in Boston with Dice-K and and Okajima and Manny would feel at home because we could just tell him Seattle is close to New York City and he wouldn't know any better.

The drawback to Ichiro is that he is old (signed for 5 more years!!) and can't match Manny's power numbers. Yet he makes us better in the field though and speedier on the basepaths. Plus how could you not want him after reading this? The drawback for the Mariners is they lose a fan favorite and guy who rarely sits out. However they get some power into a dreary lineup and add a player who can sell tickets and t-shirts almost as quickly as Ichiro (the deal would obviously hinge on Manny extending with the Mariners after this year).

At the Fens, Ichiro would own the right field corner and moving JD Drew to left wouldn't be a significant drop off from Manny, once he learned the Green Monster caroms (someone get me Mike Greenwell stat!). The Red Sox are still viable contenders with a lineup of Ichiro, Pedroia, Ortiz, Youk, JD, Lowell, Tek, Lugo, and Ellsbury. The Mariners with Manny next year and the boatloads of young talent with him, can compete in the AL West next year (plus have tons of money to go after others, with Ichiro off the books).

I feel like the wingman on the greatest potential set up in history, I just have to get the Mariners and the Red Sox in the same bar.

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: WWE Raw

2008-07-29T16:35:00.007-04:00

How does one write about their first wrestling experience in almost 10 years conclusively? They don't; no one writes about wrestling or the WWE conclusively, which is why I will throw down some general thoughts from last night's WWE Raw in Washington DC, along with some of my blurry pictures from the festivities (which, after all, are worth a thousand blurry words).

-Before Raw began, we were treated to undercard matches being taped for WWE's Saturday Night show (check local listless). There were about three matches or just enough time for two beer runs.

-In between the generic wrestlers and generic wrestling, there were public service announcements from Jeff Foxworthy and Carmen Electra. I love how the WWE doesn't even pretend to be something it's not.

-The highlight of the pre-show was a live appearance by Jenny McCarthy, who spoke about her upcoming debut for the WWE to raise awareness for the fight against autism. I actually heard someone around me say "I hear autism has a great finishing move." Comments like this make me wonder why it's been so long since my last wrestling event.

-Raw began with a barrage of fireworks and pyrotechnics that could have sank the Lusitania and which Hellen Keller would have thought were entirely too loud. However the stadium is more packed than it was for any of the Wizards/Cavs playoff games, and the cheers make me think that no one else minds.

-The show starts with the apparent heir to the belt, John Cena, talking about hitting some dude named Batista by accident last week. Soon enough the two are face to face and it's funny because I feel like I've witnessed this before. These two are the poverty-man's versions of Stone Cold and The Rock, respectively

-Cena is supposed to be Steve Austin from the camo-hat down to the jorts. I'm told he's the fan favorite these days (only WWE could create multiple jorts-wearing fan favorites). Meanwhile, Batista comes out in slick shades and muscles on his muscles; he is one lopsided eyebrow and two meaty muttonchops away from being the Rock. Problem is that neither guy has enough charisma to make you think they could stand in the same ring as their predecessors.

-My seats were 3rd row on the floor (fake blood splash zone!) and conveniently next to ring-announcer Lillian Garcia. I recognize her from the original Josh Bard WWE Era (1999ish) but she somehow looks five years younger than I remember her... this makes no sense, must be a LOST wormhole situation. Turns out that it's just she is made of more plastic now than most of the WWE action figures.-The night was filled with feeling like I almost fit in. I saw someone who resembled former wrestler The Godfather (of ho-train fame), someone who was the son of Goldust, someone who almost looked like the Kane I used to root for, and some doughy guy named JBL who used to be a jacked guy named Bradshaw. I was confused, excited, and not all together comfortable so it sort of reminded me of losing my virginity (except there were more people cheering and way more funny signs).

-The Best moment of the night? Maybe the two eight-year olds behind me cheering "Kick him in the nuts!" all night. Could have been Shane McMahon's pretty boy dance shuffle. Maybe the nerdy 'only in DC' sign that said "McCain/JBL '08". Then there was my new favorite wrestler, Jimmy Wang Yang, an Asian cowboy. He's got the mustache of an old Western hero and the athleticism of a small Asian man (and he lost in about eight seconds to a Frankenstein looking dude from India). Then again it was probably seeing Kelly Kelly.

Basically the night was filled with enjoyable moments in the forms of chokeslams, beer, crotch-shots, scantily clad women, and the unintentional comedy of WWE die-hards. It's clear that you dont have to be well-read on WWE soap opera storylines (or even just well-read) to enjoy a night at Raw. I recommend it a trip when the traveling show hits your town.

HR Derby, Thanks for the Memory

2008-07-14T21:56:00.004-04:00

When the HR Derby opened with 3 Doors Down, I knew my preconceived notions of the event were dead on, it kinda stinks and is sneaky over-rated. I am writing this as the Derby happens so bear with me...

We just saw the players introduced: Uggla, Sizemore, Longoria, Berkman, Morneau, Braun and Hamilton. This should be the part where Aston Kucher tells you you're punk'd and that there's no way the Major League would let a bunch of second rate home run hitters participate in one of the season's most anticipated events. I wish I could tell you that, I wish I could. At least they booked the first rate talent of Erin Andrews tonight for the sideline reporting. She just interviewed Derek Jeter and will probably be dating him by the fifth hitter. He pulls hot tail like his throws from shortstop.

While we're talking about a second rate event, stay tuned for the 'Ashlee Simpson Ugly Sibling' MLB Celebrity and Legends Softball game featuring Tom Denton, Bobby Flay, and Wade Boggs!!! Maybe if New York won titles, they could have booked A-list celebrities.

Unfortunately the big hitters like Alex Rodriguez, Adam Dunn, Ryan Howard, and Manny Ramirez had more important plans than thanking the fans for their support.

I don't want this to become an anti-Yankee diatribe, but I don't think the media has done its job in keeping the players in check, especially A-rod and Giambi for not stepping up for their city. This is shameful on the same level as Barry Bonds not hitting in the derby in San Francisco a few years ago. Tonight, the stadium is full of Yankee fans who overpay for tickets to see these guys half-ass it night in and out. The mid-summer classic is a way for the players to say thanks; thanks for paying 40 bucks for a crappy seat, thanks for not bailing on us when we hit a slump, thanks for getting me paid millions of dollars a year.

Meanwhile Giambi and A-rod will sit out and let the J-V team fill their spots tonight. This should be the end of fan support for these lazy, ungrateful, me-first-ers. Look at Giambi's situation first. He vowed if he didn't make the All-Star team, than he wouldn't show up to the Derby. After making it to the final spot vote, New Yorkers embraced him and his mustache for a week. Throughout the week, Yankee fans exhibited more fake facial hair than the cast of Achnorman, but as soon as Giambi was cut, he spurned the fans.

A-rod meanwhile, apparently hasn't ruined enough things in New York in the last week. No way he remembers the sound of applause and the feeling of adoration. The guy gets treated worse than most of the city's cabbies. But this makes it the perfect time for A-rod to win some fans back; he could be the second most appreciated adulterer in Yankee Stadium behind Rudy Giuliani. The man who's family is living in the house Lenny Kravitz owns, could create a great Yankee memory in the House that Ruth built. Yet Ole Purple Lips is no where to be seen, setting himself up for further questions about his whereabouts, about his meddle, and about his cohones.

I don't have as much to say about those other biggest mashers, except for Manny who is from New York City. I think its disrespectful and short-sighted of them, and I wish their decisions would affect their fan support. We could have had a lot more fun if those guys had bats on their shoulders instead of Handicams.

First update- Uggla hit 6. Sizemore, a leadoff hitter, hit 6. Longoria, hit 3, which is 2 less homers than times Chris Berman reminded us he wasn't on the opening day roster. Not really what I would consider a first-class affair thus far. I am not gonna say they phoned in these invites but I think I just saw Bud Selig's dad tell him his July minutes are used up. Thank god for these intermittent Erin Andrews interviews.

Utley, one of the favorites, just hit a solidly underwhelming 5 homeruns. Who knew 3 Doors Down would have a longer performance than the best player in the NL? Next, Lance Berkman went on a streak that briefly made me reconsider my stance on aborting the Derby, as he hit a string of upper-deck moonshots and 8 by the end. But just as things were starting to go right, we had to endure Chris Berman's annoying "Back back back back back back back." If I have to hear that again I might go all Van Gogh and chop my ear off.

Rick Reilly just made a great point that tonight's contestants are all white. 8 white guys, almost a full Gonzaga hoops squad. He points out that 5 of the last 8 winners (or something) have been Hispanic, yet we dont get to see a Pujols, Abreu, Soriano, or Tejada, who can all pound the ball out. A great observation.

Morneau hits a very Minnesota (vanilla) 8 to tie Berkman and Ryan Braun went off for 7 as half of the Yankee Stadium patrons looked upon a fellow Jew with adoration.

...

...umm...yeah... then, that happened.

How amazing was that? Seriously. It has to be a top 10 performance I've ever witnessed live on TV. This is clearly no longer a junior-prom (I was wrong about that). Just as they said: the fans were cheered out from all of the Ham-il-ton, Ham-il-ton. With his background, his brute strength, and his immense likability, the last 15 minutes couldn't have been better. Those homeruns were of magnitudes incomprehensible. Its like the first time I heard the Beatles.

You may say that Josh Hamilton proved that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I contend that it proves exactly what I have been saying the whole time.

Imagine if Hamilton was doing this against those aforementioned big hitters. What if a few guys had hit 20 homeruns and this thing wasn't over already? If Hamilton's 28 had to face A-rod's 22, Manny's 20 and Ryan Howard's 25? Instead we're primed for Hamilton to be tired by the final round and for him to lose to a clearly second rate opponent. I can't wait. Even if he does finish this on top, the derby couldn't have gone out on a higher note than canceling it after the first round, and that's a sad reality on a happy ending. Thanks for the memory.

Top 10 Things of the First Half of Summer (June - Mid July)

2008-07-09T14:03:00.004-04:00

Summer is half over and I haven't left DC much, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been good. In my 5th straight DC summer, I have been introduced to some new things, found some other gems on my own, and re-established contact with a couple other old favorites. Here's the top 10 things of the summer, part 1, as I've embraced them chronologically.

MLB Extra Innings Package
Technically I had this in April and May but it has been my second favorite thing on TV (not counting Around the Horn) these days. For those keeping score at home, first thing not technically a summer thing, we're a rocky start but... Not only can I watch Red Sox games nightly, but I can also check in with my fantasy baseball crushes like Evan Longoria and Geovanny Soto at the same time. I used to get excited to watch the hometown NESN feed, but that "gift" has become more of a pandora's box with the ®emdog at the helm. Still, summer feels more like summer with the Sox on in the background during dinner.

Beer Softball
So I've played in a bunch of intramural leagues in DC since graduating (kickball, a few basketball leagues) but this was my first softball experience. Going in I knew about half the players on the team and assumed my skill level might be enough to get by; basically just hoped that the entire experience was decent. Turns out its been the highlight of the summer. I get to look forward to some good, healthy competition and subsequent weekday belligerence once a week. The games are fun and the teammates even better (one guy bagged a 46-year old cougar postgame!). We take turns bringing 30's to the field like soccer moms bringing oranges on gamedays. What could be bad?

Leinenkugels
I have to give all the credit here to my roommate Meghan, who introduced me to the citrus-y goodness of Leinenkugels Sunset Wheat Beer. This may have displaced Sam Summer Ale for official beer of summer. I am not sure what the circulation of this beer is but I feel like if this is all you get from me this year, it will be well worth plodding through the rest of my crap. I've even included the logo here for you too find it at the local watering hole. If you like Blue Moon, there is no question this is for you. Go buy a six-pack and I promise you'll like it and if not, I will take the rest off your hands.

Tacklebox
Tacklebox is also a Meghan pearl of wisdom, and for those who don't know about it, its a new restaurant in Georgetown. Basically its like every little clam shack on the way to the Cape, but with a Georgetown attitude, decor, and price (nobody's perfect). I've only been once, but based on reviews by others, I can vouch for it. First of all, best french fries in DC. Secondly, great lobster roll, great friend clam roll, and awesome asparagus (that's all I've had there). No doubt that the summer Cape feeling is part of the glory at 3245 M St.

HBO's Movie Line Up
Oceans 13, Knocked Up, The Simpsons Movie, Shrek the Third, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix are just a few of the many premiers HBO has given us so far this summer. They're calling it the Billion-Dollar or Million-Dollar Summer or something and so far its lived up to the billing, whatever it is. These movies don't replace the absence of summer regular Entourage, but are perfect for hung over Saturdays, a staple thus far. I like Ocean's 13 the most so far but just having the options make Netflix seem unnecessary.

Pat Green
Most people know Pat Green for singing "Wave on Wave," a country music radio standard and generally awesome tune. My love for "Wave" fooled me to getting tickets for a Pat Green concert at a small venue near my apartment, before I realized I only knew a couple other songs. Thanks to a CD from my brother played on repeat for a couple weeks, I ended up getting into Pat Green in a big way. "Baby Doll", "Cannonball", and "Texas in My Mind" are all rated 5-stars on my iPod now. Granted I dont remember most of the show (consider me THAT DRUNK GUY) and I can't remember what songs he played, I also can't remember not having an awesome time... did that make sense?

Bringing Back Asshole

This old favorite entered my life again during the Pat Green night, you could even convince me he opened for Pat. We also got a game going July 4th, and a few blurry times in between. Let's face it: there was a reason we learned this card game first. It was the most fun and the easiest way to go from sober to stumbling without a funnel. Asshole makes me think of high school summer nights just like McGolf and the Industrial Park basketball court.

Angelina Jolie's Semi-Nude Scene in Wanted
I can't find a screenshot on google no matter how much I search... and I've searched enough that carpal tunnel might be a looming issue. This partial picture is the best I could do for you. But between that scene and the insane action scenes (Wanted is like The Matrix in how revolutionary it is compared to its predecesors) this movie is worth deferring student loans so you can afford a ticket and then come back for a few encores. That is if you like lower back tattoos, breath-taking heinies, and crazy shoot-em up scenes.

Wipeout

The answer to the question: what is my favorite thing on TV these days? See this entry. Since then things have only gotten better.

The New Nationals Stadium

It's just a quick green line trek from my hood (road soda recommended) to the ballpark, and a five dollar ticket will get you through the gate and your choice of 30,000 unclaimed seats. With a monstrous HD jumbo-tron, more food choices than a cruiseship, and the possibility of a no hitter every game thanks to National League offense, you can't go wrong. The park has received a little too much early praise but it is a great park with even more potential. And even though the Nats suck, they keep the capacity and ticket prices manageable for us young professionals who have no money left because we spent it on beer at the park the last time we came. Seven fifty for a beer? I guess they lost their "privilege" to sell High Life.

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: AT&T National Tournament

2008-07-06T18:44:00.010-04:00

If Tiger Woods is hosting a golf tournament but doesn't show up, does it still count? Does it still matter?

Anyone who tells you that Tiger Woods' absence from golf won't hurt the game is either a complete moron, a PGA promoter, or possibly both. Either way, they definitely haven't been to a tour-stop where he didn't show. Here's what I learned today: Tiger Woods is the lifeblood of the PGA tour (granted some of you thought you already knew this but until you see it in person, you have no idea. It's worse than we thought people). An event without him is like a keg-party without a keg; its just a group of people walking around.

At today's final round Anthony Kim edged Fredrik Jacobson and a few others and as far as I could tell, the only people who care are the Kim family, the Jacobson family, and a couple idiots near me who had made AK Army shirts (lets start qualifying anyone over the age of 14 who draws on a white t-shirt an idiot. Ok? Good).

I've now been at the tournament two years in a row, one with and one without Tiger, and the differences are palpable. Its like PTI without Kornheiser and Wilbon, the Tour de France without Lance, and Rockband with a drum-pad that doesn't register every beat (not that I'm bitter...); it still exists, but really only on paper.

The first and most obvious is that the attendance is down. Its not just that you can walk up to the ropes at most greens and tees and have an front row seat to the "excitement," but also that the crowds are less fun. Today's gallery sounded more like a library than a sporting event. When Tiger is around there is a frenzy, some loud outbursts, and a bunch of "Get in the holes!!!" Today you could hear babies crying in the gallery. You could follow any of the groupings that you wanted and seen almost every shot. When we got to the 18th fairway today, we had our choice of seats in the grandstand as the competing groups came in.

It would be easy to compare today's event to an NBA summer league game; it just feels less important. There seemed to be a lack of immediacy or importance today. Its possible this was because Kim won by a few shots out of the fourth-to-last group, rendering the last few groups irrelevant, but all day Congressional seemed more like a "also-ran" list. Watching these also-rans is like watching those guys in summer league games, in the sense that its educating to see who else is playing. Sure, its still basketball, but is it really?

Guys didn't celebrate birdies, guys didn't mourn bogeys, guys didn't interact with the fans. For most players, and most fans, its seemed like the biggest goal was to get the round over with quickly (and I can say I was definitely in that group).

Today's round was shown on CBS on tape delay so I could even come home and re-watch the last few players finish their rounds. Is there anything more boring than irrelevant golf on tape delay? Even tennis can get away with a tape delayed match sometimes, but non-live golf should come with a snooze button.

Meanwhile, golf bored up the joint on a day rich with good sporting events. The Nadal-Federer marathon quickly earned 'instant classic' status, baseball had a full slate of games and named All-Stars, and even the Indians finally trading C.C. Sabathia was a bigger deal. If Tiger plays in his tournament, it runs second tonight on Sportscenter only to Wimbledon.

If the weather is right, going to a golf tournament is always going to be a good time. The endless green fairways, the pros' monstrous drives, and the girls in sundresses are always enough to keep interest. However when I have to hope CBS has edited the round down so that 60 Minutes doesn't start late and screw up my DVR, you know there's an issue. That issue all starts with an injured Tiger.

Wipeout!!

2008-06-29T22:46:00.007-04:00

I couldn't be a bigger fan of the show Wipeout right now and I have only seen one episode. Its like falling in love on the first date (I assume). We all know the stigma of summer television... keeping the dating metaphor, you could call it the rebound fling after a break up (spring's season finales), and this show knocks it out of the park. The creators of Wipeout knew what we wanted from this relationship, knew what we didn't want, and just delivered. Its not brilliant, its not revolutionary, its not even very original, but it is self-aware, and in this case, that's the most important thing.

This self-awareness is the beauty of Wipeout. It offers the things we are all looking for in our summer television fling: people making asses out of themselves, a little bit of humor, a few good looking women, little emotional involvement, and the ability to miss episodes without being in trouble.

Specifically, here's what the show does right.

1) People get destroyed. Sure this show is basically a rip off of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, but it somehow brings even more thunder. The carnage is awesome. Its not like seeing the remains of a car accident on the highway; its like seeing the actual collision. These people don't stand a chance. Of the events I saw tonight, there was the wall players traversed while boxing gloves punched them in the face, neck, and even places below the belt. There were those infamous big red balls that players tried to bounce across, but never could. There was a rotating hurdle jump from a platform, a spinning machine before a sprint on an unbalanced surface, and a fresh look at a timeless classic, the rope swing.

Even when the hits didn't look as vicious, the contestants still went flying. And here's the cherry on the top, the minds behind our new summer friend have even one-upped MXC by cutting out all the filler in between big hits. They even edit down all of the boring stuff and basically bring you the low-light highlights for the first 15 minutes. This show is the crab cake without all the breading; its all meat, no filler.

2) The announcers don't over-do it. I never thought I'd say these words unless I was selling hair-dye at WalMart but, "Welcome back John Henson." You may remember him from being moderately funny on E!'s Talk Soup, and from being the guy, who like Derek Zoolander couldn't turn right, or else you'd get that nasty profile look at his Ms. Toper skunk spot (by the way, who was less likely to ever be thought of again, John Henson or Ms. Toper). Henson and co-host John Anderson (one of the best anchors on Sportscenter) match snarky and fresh one-liners over the endless bloopers. Unlike MXC they don't jump the shark because they let the follies drive the show and seem to be content riding shotgun. Even sideline reporter Jill Wagner delivers the occasional joke, some outstanding reactions to the contestants' goofs, and is even sneaky foxy (you'll thank me later).

3) The challenges overshadow the challengers. No one cares about rooting for the players in this game, and the producers know it. Most of the contestants are boring, which doesn't matter, because if we wanted to see people win we wouldn't be watching a show called Wipeout. What is important is that the challenges are actually hard. I don't see how anyone will ever get past a few of the obstacles and I don't really want to see that anyway. The goofier and the more turbulent, the better and for the few fortunate (only in the sense that they get $50k for winning) players, the and even zanier final looms.

The final challenge looks like it would be fun... if you were a navy seal or enjoyed bruising. I wont even describe the kinds of ridiculousness that ensues but its safe to say that it looks like its just an 'elephant walk' short of the worst hazing imaginable. Picture the lame-ass 'Eliminator' at the end of the new American Gladiators and imagine it to be more creative, more difficult, and more satisfying.

One way to spruce up the show, or at least legitimize it, would be if they could somehow get professional athletes to try out the events. Imagine Reggie Bush Kobe Bryant, Ichiro, Justin Gatlin, Alton from RW/RR Challenge and other super-freak athletes challenge each other to feats of most useless athleticism. Or at least watching them get beat up by preposterous competitions. I can't imagine a show I wouldn't end up DVR-ing to watch that play out.

Maybe you haven't yet had a chance to see the show (it premiered this week), but if you watched the NBA Playoffs or really any show on ABC/ESPN in the last couple months, you saw the commercials. And let me say that the episodes are even better (for the moment disregard the fact that I may have formal ties to the ABC/ESPN family). C'mon, just trust me. If this hasn't been enough of an over-sell, let me tell you that the show ended with John Henson saying "From all of us, good night and big balls." Consider me hooked.

Jerry Remy Day... You Gotta Be Kidding Me

2008-06-25T20:31:00.007-04:00

If there was a blog called "Things Red Sox Fans Like," the list would include Sweet Caroline, Yankees suck chants at any event with more than 9 people, Jerry Remy, and not admitting to liking Fever Pitch, amongst others. I have a problem with that list; I dont know if I am supposed to (or even allowed to) say this aloud, but I dont like Jerry Remy.

I didn't always have this contrarian view, and I'm not just trying to be one of those annoying activists with a revolving door of issues; I plain dont like the way he influences my Red Sox television viewing experience (and before you say anything about me not getting to watch NESN broadcasts because I live in DC, let me warn you that I have the MLB Extra Innings package so I get all the home games Remy/Orsillo-style).

Here's what positive things Jerry Remy brings to the broadcast table: great knowledge of the Red Sox, good back and forth with Orsillo and Title 9 Sideline Reporter du-jour Hazel Mae/Tina Cervasio/Heidi Watney, and some semblence of the game from a players perspective (he played 2B). He's also brought an undeniable Remy-flavor to broadcasts (and I'm not just talking about that great mustache and accent). And for all the Remy hating I spew, I want to be equal opportunity in commending NESN for upgrading "Why the long face?" Cervasio with Heidi Watney... mmmm.

Here's the problems with those positive things, they are overshadowed by the other Jerry Remy, which we can call ®emy. And by ®emy, I mean the fact that most of the game, is spent talking about the hundreds of lucrative opportunities that the ®em-Dawg can offer members of Red Sox Nation® (and even us regular Red Sox fans who didn't pony up $14.95 for the lowest form of membership).

Lets start with Red Sox Nation. Here's what becoming an official citizen of the Nation gets you: lots of presale opportunities for Red Sox seats (including the opener in Japan!!), lots of raffles for Red Sox seats, a 10% discount at the team store, an e-newsletter, a bumper sticker, a citizens membership card. And the truly crazy thing about all this is that if you wanted to buy the premium versions of Red Sox Nation, you cant. They are all sold out. People can rip pink Red Sox caps all they want, but to me, this is infinately more ludicrous.

While ®emy is the President of Red Sox Nation (thanks to a 2007 season of campaigning during broadcasts; dont get me started), I do not blame him for this lame sales technique, its just one of his extra-curicular focuses instead of color commentary. When ®emy is done plugging the Nation like its a leaking levee, its time for the other services that the ®em-Dawg can provide.

Besides the microphone, under the ®em-Dawg corporate umbrella also lies: a Rem-Dawg hot dog stand on Yawkee Way (and another one coming soon to Logan Airport), a book Watching Baseball, two children's books Hello Wally and Wally the Green Monster and His Journey Through Red Sox Nation (you can't make this up), and The Remy Report website. I have to add this after a quick perusal of the Remy Report: you (even YOU!!) can buy a copy of Jerry's ACTUAL scorecard from the Manny 500th HR game, autographed by Jerry Remy for only $17.95!! Apparently he's even more concerned with moy-chendizing than the Schwartz in Spaceballs.

But what happens in the fourth inning when the ®em-Dawg has already mentioned all of these opportunities twice? Have no fear Nation members, its time for Orsillo to shoulder the load of play-by-play and color while Jerry Remy scans the crowd for signs with his name on it. I only blame him for half of this, with the other part of the blame spread amongst the morons from Nashua, NH, Bangor, ME, and Killington, VT. Somehow these people feel it is a better idea to go to a game with a sign made for an announcer rather than for a member of the team they are going to support. I cant wait til they sell Remy Red Sox shirts... oh, nevermind.

Maybe my convictions against the ®em-Dawg are so strong because I know I am swimming upstream. When I have voiced this concernt to friends and colleagues before, it is usually rebutted with laughs and insults, both of which I am ready for. It seems another response is "Name a set of local announcers you'd rather have." I am also ready for that response. In DC we are privy to two baseball teams on local TV, the Nationals and the Orioles. While the DC booth kinda sorta stinks, I would rather have the Orioles booth in a heartbeat. Jim Palmer and Gary Thorne are a solid, knowledgable duo who take their duties of broadcasting the game seriously. I'm sure there are others that are better than the NESN duo.

Problem is that its not just my dumb friends. He has become so popular that yesterday (6-24) was officially bestowed Jerry Remy Day in Boston, by Mayor Tom Menino (luckily for him, I dont vote in Massachusetts anymore). I would rather have a Dave Roberts day, a Dropkick Murphys day, or even a "that funny Crunch N Munch guy" day. You gotta be kidding me...

®emy has let his broadcast responsibilities fall by the wayside and has become too comfortable to work on improving. His immense popularity paired with his lucrative (and I can objectively say, brilliant) businesses has made him apathetic about job performance and I think the NESN subscriber should demand more. Please tell me where Dustin Pedroia likes his pitches instead of when he'll be at your next event. Tell me how this team is different than the Sox team you were on, not about how to get my own Wally the Green Monster beanie-baby (with adirondack chair!!). We have demanded more from our hometown teams and look what is has yielded; let's stop giving the ®em-Dawg a pass for his mediocrity.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLE

2008-06-18T19:45:00.010-04:00

Something happened last night that I never expected. The champagne scene in Wild Things became my second favorite champagne memory of all time. But, I'll get to that later though.

It all starts with expectations. They are unsteady and fickle; they can change after any minor or major event (say a PJ Brown jumpshot or a Paul Pierce twisted knee) and as far as I can tell, they aren't consciously controllable. Maybe just my expectations are erratic and unstable...

Lets just say this, before the playoffs started, I didn't think Game 5 tickets against the Hawks would be worth the effort of a deposit. Expectations were Snoop Dogg high. Then out of nowhere came the Joe Johnson debacle, which is like calling it the Spygate misinterpretation. Sure the C's Papelbonned Game 7, but who could be sure which team would face the Cavs in the next round.

Next, LeBron came to town, making already-wavering expectations recede like the S&P 500 (shout out to my good-for-nothing 401k!!). Again my Celtics expectations elevator rose up to the penthouse and then back down to the lobby as their jerseys switched from white to green. Ya know that feeling when a 6-year brat jumps in your elevator and hits all the buttons and you have to deal with that herky-jerky ride up and down, never knowing the next stop or where it will end? That was the Cavs series. Another 7 games of the expectations elevator acting like Disney's Tower of Terror. Luckily the S&P Celtics used the TD Banknorth Fleet Center Shawmut Center Garden like Harry Potter used his cloak of invisibility; lots of close calls, but ultimately were protected the prized possession (the parquet).

It was at this point where I felt like watching the S&P C's wasn't fun and certainly wasn't healthy. Maybe I'm a pessimist but the pain of 3 losses was becoming greater than the joy of 4 wins. This wasn't the basketball team I had rooted for all year. This wasn't the best team in the NBA that played the best team basketball in the NBA. It was like looking for American Beauty and Usual Suspects Kevin Spacey, but finding the guy who was in K-Pax.

Oddly playing Detroit made things better when I expected worse, and all of a sudden it was time for Kobe and the Condiments. Again the yo-yo expectations carried me through to game 6, where I didn't know what to expect. I wanted to believe in the team but even more I didn't want to be heartbroken again.

Yet, there I was last night watching a 10 point lead jump to 20, jump to 30, jump to 39 before I had time to chew my fingernails down. Take that lowered expectations!!

And this is where we get back to the champagne. Expectations be damned, I defied them and headed to Davo's (apparently we have good luck squinting at his little TV) with a bottle of champagne, just in case. And then, with Eddie House dribbling the clock out, Davo and I popped the cork, sprayed the bottle, and cheers'ed to Paul, Kevin, Ray, Kedrick, Rajon, Eddie, Tony, James, Leon, Glen, PJ, and even to Sam, and Doc. We drank, hugged, drank, called our dads, and laughed at Kevin Garnett seizuring with delight. No longer will Neve Campbell, Denise Richards and Matt Dillon be my Big Three of champagne.

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: Red Sox at Camden Yards

2008-06-01T15:16:00.011-04:00

On Friday night I was presented with a choice. It wasn't exactly Grady Little deciding between Pedro or the bullpen, but it more substantial than boxers versus boxer-briefs. This particular decision was between going to Baltimore for a Red Sox game at Camden or staying in and watching the Celtics potentially punch their ticket to the NBA Finals (and the Red Sox game).

The Quick Pros for the Sox Game made the decision easy:
+Josh Beckett pitching
+Manny Ramirez sitting on 499 HRs
+Great weather for a ballgame (80 and sunny)
+I still look 18 and can use my college ID for discounted tickets
+I'm starting to dislike watching these schizophrenic Celtics

Anyway the "decision" was made and I left work a little early to get on a train to the Chesapeake State. By 5:20 I was in Baltimore, had thrown on my Papelbon WS07 jersey, and quickly got a ticket. (Not so quick Tangent- So I am standing in the ticket line and a man in a Red Sox jersey comes up to me holding a ticket. Assuming he was trying to scalp me a ticket, I sorta shrugged him off. However he persisted and explained that his family had an extra they were gonna give away and figured since I had a Sox jersey on, I was the best candidate. He didn't want any money for it, and just said to stop by the seats during the game, buy him a beer and we'd be cool. Yadda yadda yadda, I wound up pretty buzzed by first pitch and fully drunk by the 3rd inning, enough to completely forget about my thirsty comrade. Totally a mistake on my part and I still feel horribly about it. Here's a family man with enough faith in people to give some guy a ticket, and I blew it. This is not an excuse; it was totally inexcusable and I hope karma isn’t as fickle of a bitch as fate is. And yes that is plagiarized from Lost.)

So here's the thing about Red Sox games at Camden, they're basically home games. The crowds are equal part red and orange, but the red is louder, prouder, and stays til the end. And the place where this is most evident is the pregame party.

Three bars in a line with full service outside and a temporary suspension of open container laws, Red Sox shirts and beers as far as the eye can see, and tents with freshly grilled ballpark meats. It feels like it could be Yawkee way if it Yawkee was more fun. Its three parties in one; three songs blasting from three stereos, three beer specials, three places to spit game at cute girls in Sox caps, three places that feel more like home than anything else in a 500 mile vicinity. For good measure today, there are lots of Celtics jerseys in preparation for the Game 6 closeout.

You can easy lose perspective of the scene when you’re standing in the middle of it all. To step back out of the mob is to admire the colossal glory and the magnitude of the event. Somehow only blocks away, we are emotionally miles away from the Baltimore portrayed in The Wire. Different grills, different hustles, different corners.

I met up with my friends here and walked back into the huddle that smells like barbeque and beer, looks like the party you always hope your party turns into, and sounds like R's disapperaing from vernacular. (It also sounds like a mix of Kanye’s Stronger and Guns N’ Roses’ Sweet Child o’ Mine, a surprisingly complimentary mix.) A few more beers each, a couple hot dogs, and a great game of trash can jenga later, and we’re ready for the game.

Inside the still-young Camden Yards makes your mind wander to the 8th circle of daydream hell: why a new Fenway might not be so bad. Tonight we’re sitting in the 200s, which is the first overhang along the third base line. We have the option of a waitstaff (unused), better food (used), and shorter beer lines (used and used). I wont continue with the boring details of the game (by far the lamest part of the night) and skip to our 10th inning decision to leave the game and head back to the pregame bars so we can watch the ending of the Celtics at the same time as the end of the Sox.

I don’t have to tell you how this one ended. Karma didn’t strike for my lack of good-will reciprocation and within the hour, the bar was chanting "Beat LA." I could have convinced myself that I had stepped through the Lost wormhole and returned to 1984 Boston. These were followed by some R-rated cheers, a round of Sam Adams pints, and some of the most inspired chest bumps I’ve ever witnessed from white people.

And that was my night in Baltimore-upon-Boston. I felt at home in a relatively strange city, stared down karma and didn’t blink, and enjoyed a male on male chest bump a little too much. Pretty memorable night.

Why So Serious?

2008-05-20T14:55:00.023-04:00

There's a growing trend in sitcoms and I'm taking a stand.

Last night How I Met Your Mother, currently clubhouse leader for sitcoms, ended its season with a proposal from Ted Mosby, its lead character. If that wasn't enough, Barney, legen-DARY womanizer, decided to fall in love with Robin. In fact, the last few episodes of HIMYM, followed a "lets get serious about relationships" arc that I don't much care for. I know the show is eventually headed down a path towards marriage (as we figure out who the mother is) but unless the producers are only figuring one more season, I think they are jumping the gun here.

Take a look back to recent sitcoms and how the whole "Lets marry off our funny/cool/interesting" characters and see how it goes:

Friends- Lambaste the show if you want, but when critics and ratings are both so strongly in favor, its useless to dissent. In a mostly post-Seinfeld sitcom world, Friends was king. It had a simple premise, great writing, and outstanding character relationships... that was until the dreaded season 7 finale, The One with Chandler and Monica's Wedding. This watershed moment changed all of the chemistry and dynamics of the group. The Joey-Chandler relationship was dunzo. The Monica and the girls relationship, c'est la vie. Chandler was less snarky, not as nebbish, and stopped goofing around, all the things that made him great. Instead of 6 friends hanging out, episodes would be 3 sets of 2 friends and their "hilarious" hijinx.

Scrubs- From season 2 until season 6, Scrubs was my favorite show because Bill Lawrence, the show creator and lead writer, found a way to be goofy and light-hearted while telling some serious hospital stories. Scrubs was my favorite 30-minutes of the week during this time, as it delivered almost every week. The JD and Turk friendship (best shown in the My Musical episode Guy Love song) was genuine and fresh and wasn't spoiled by Turk's serious relationship, because Lawrence made sure that for Turk, JD always came first. However, Lawrence couldn't stay true to guy love once Turk and Carla had a baby (Season 6 aka the Tipping Point) and at this point, Scrubs' tomfoolery and witty shenanigans took a backseat to the serious reality of being a parent. Since then, and through this season's finale, Scrubs has become borderline unwatchable. Turk isn't fun loving anymore, JD has also recently become a father also and **SPOILER ALERT** he stinks now too. (I never thought I'd say this but Braff's JD character is a distant fourth to JD Drew, JD Salinger, and Jack Daniels on the "My Favorite JD's" list. For the record, it's still ahead of JDate.)

The Office- Everyone who watches. loves almost every character, from Michael to Dwight to Kelly (who has been the best character all year). However when it comes to favorites, most people really care about Pam and Jim. That's also why most people are stupid. Go back and watch episodes from the first three seasons and remember how cool Jim was (a foil to Dwight, the rampant office pranks, the nerdy sexual tension we could all relate to). Picture Jim now, whining to clients on a golf course, stinking at ping pong, and seriously caring about his job. All I know is if 2005 Jim met 2008 Jim in a dark Scranton parking lot, 2005 Jim would kick his ass (or least put his stapler in a jello mold and posted a Reward Poster for his missing cahones). Now lame relationship Jim spends his work time working... BORING.

This isn't some sort of brilliant realization I've had, its art imitating life. Everyone knows how much worse friends become when they get serious girlfriends. Suddenly they cant get black out drunk, play video games until substantial thumb injury, or frequent the gentleman's establishments anymore. Same goes for sitcom characters; once the woman in their life is locked down, there is no more delicate balance. They can't continue to be a cool guy and navigate through a successful relationship. Seinfeld never made Jerry or George get serious and it never lost its way. Half of sitcom is comedy, and writers should remember that more often; I don't want to lose How I Met Your Mother, like I lost all the others, to a needy girlfriend.

Rebuilt!

2008-05-18T18:52:00.013-04:00

I am as happy as anyone can be who just spent three hours chewing their fingernails down. This was one of those "hero's journey archetype" games where everything worked out the way it was supposed to, but it never looked like it would. Check out the scene at the end of the game.

Paul Pierce, the captain, the only Celtic who has been here since the last time we enjoyed the C's, had the ball in his hands. New additions Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen yielded to Pierce frenzied possession after frenzied possession; it was a game that the Truth was going to win or lose; it was up to him. On a night when he exorcized his LeBron James demons, Pierce also made his return to the conference finals. He made the big plays, consistently hitting pull up jumpers that he never doubted and I never expected to keep falling. LeBron beat Pierce up and down the floor statistically, but when it counted and where it counted, Pierce reigned over King James. And again, the man who has muddled through Celtics mediocrity (at best!) the last five seasons is reborn into elusive playoff territory with a team who's rebuilding is finally complete.

How cyclical that five years after the last inspired Celtics playoff run and subsequent post-season schism, that Pierce again captains a set of contenders, that the Garden is again loud and filled with Red Auerbach's spirit, and that there is once again banner banter. Danny Ainge's self-proclaimed, widely-scrutinized rebuilding process is complete. And in slightly less time than the Big Dig took, and with one less casualty (unless we're counting Antoine Walker's career).

#34 wasn't the only hero and wasn't the only Celtic who's character arc came full circle in today's Game 7. How about Eddie House who had been relegated to a front-row spectator for the first five games? It seemed only Doc Rivers couldn't see the problem with Sam Cassell hogging the minutes and shots early in the series. House, an emotional leader and offensive spark-plug all year, literally and figuratively came to play in Games 6 and 7. To those looking back, his stats will never resemble the game he played today, but in 15 minutes House did almost everything right. A huge jumper, the extra passes to free up teammates, and the gutsiest play of the game, diving on a loose ball destined for out of bounds and turning it into James Posey free throws. There weren't enough imaginary Tommy Points that could have validated the "jump-out-of-your-seat-ness" of that play. House even made his presence felt on the bench, emphatically clapping in LeBron's ear during a wide open 3-pointer, and throwing him out of rhythm. And how appropriate that Eddie hit two humungous free throws you would expect from someone like Sam Cassell and was the one left holding the ball as the final horn sounded. Meanwhile, as House was celebrated by his teammates, Sam Cassell could be seen talking to Damon Jones, likely comparing each others uselessness.

Finally our role-players are playing the correct roles (Rondo 8 points, 8 assist, 8 rebounds; PJ Brown 10 points, each one somehow exponentially more clutch than the previous). And while no team wants to get stuck in a Game 7, this team may have been helped more than it was hurt from the extra 48 minutes. Even if two of the Big 3 Celtics headline acts had subpar performances, the team learned that it can count on some of the overlooked nuts and bolts of a well-oiled homecourt machine. Maybe we cant expect any more big games from Ray Allen (star of He Got Lame) or another career resume game from Pierce, but we know understudies like Powe, PJ Brown, Rondo, and Posey all will help the team in their way. You could argue that these long series are making our older veterans older for the worse or you could argue its making our younger players older for the better.

Detroit will be by far the best team the Celtics have played in the playoffs so far, and the most well-rounded. This is a team without one of two prime scorers and a team that resembles our own. Win or lose now, the Celtics wont have disappointed too many fans. Most, myself included, are just happy to have a hometown basketball team that makes us proud more often than it doesn't (like, in say, 4 of 7 games).

Do I feel like the last two weeks have given me more indigestion and pit-stained t-shirts? Absolutely. Have I pounded down a few more beers out of bitterness and frustration? At least 10. And now it will continue for another week, at least... and I'm pretty excited about it.

Rome wasn't built in a day, neither were the 2007-8 Celtics and even if we have to do this in stressful 7-game segments, I'm done complaining.

Snot(ty) Rocket

2008-05-05T17:43:00.009-04:00

On May 5 2004, Roger Clemens struck out his 4137th batter, making him second all-time behind Nolan Ryan.

Today Roger Clemens made even more history four Cinco de Mayo's later. In what can timely be described as mucho douchebaggery, Roger Clemens' spokesman issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced pitcher. "Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

Um I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?

Seriously how audacious is this guy? Lets get all K-zone on that last paragraph and break it down pitch by pitch:

Roger Clemens' spokesman- Roger Clemens did not show up
Issued a statement- Roger Clemens did not actually apologize
These articles contains many false accusations- Roger Clemens has problems accepting responsibility
I have made mistakes in my personal life- Roger Clemens has done some way worse stuff than has been printed
Like everyone, I have flaws- Roger Clemens is again passing the buck and trying to remind us of our own flaws... classy.

It's a BS apology, worse than Larry David's apology over the phone while snacking on pistachios. Its really even worse because its not an apology, he sent someone to do his bidding for him. This isn't too surprising though considering Clemens left his mark on American League batters literally, with beanballs that would be re-paid only to his teammates.

Normally this would be a good thing for men everywhere, as The Rocket continues to lower the bar for the rest of us. Oh you forgot we were meeting up for dinner? Whatever at least you didn't sleep with a 15-year old country singer... You didn't call on my birthday? At least you didn't cheat at your job for more than 10 years.

You get it. Basically this Clemens things is turning into a bizarre Mad Libs game:
Roger Clemens is guilty of ________ (a crime or one of the 10 Commandments) with ______ (person or group of people) in ______ (place).

This little trick can explain how he could commit perjury with former teammates in Washington DC. Or how he could sleep with a minor who is a country music singer in Boston. Or how he could commit adultery with John Daly's ex-wife in Texas (meanwhile odds are that if you've slept with a woman in Texas, it is probably one of John Daly's ex-wives). If we find out next that Clemens broke and entered a Labatts Plant in Toronto with Bryan Adams, or coveted thy neighbor's wife in New York with Rudy Giuliani, I am calling the FBI tipline. The options are really endless.

There's only one way this thing can end, and its not pretty. Clemens and the media need an ugly break up and he needs to face a barrage of questions and fess up to all the juicy details. That way we can get it all out of our systems, move on, and then forget Clemens into the dark shadows of our mind. There he can shamefully reside with things like 90's pop culture fads, beer goggles, all my little league errors, and the Roger Clemens Red Sox era.

Glorious Technology

2008-04-21T23:41:00.007-04:00

It’s April, which is the perfect storm of sports. We’re just coming up for air from the NCAA tourney and if you breathe deeply, you’ll get that fresh mix of NBA playoffs, the NFL draft, and the maturation of the baseball season. If you breathe really deeply you may even catch some NHL playoff fever, although that might be pollen. I can’t tell because both make me sneeze.

Take tonight for example (Monday the 21st). The sports television possibilities tonight are enough to make even SuperSonics fans excited again. First on the docket is Monday Night Baseball between the most interesting two National League teams, (which I understand is like saying the sexiest of those Mormon Polygamy Ranch Moms) the Cubs and the Mets. Nonetheless, Carlos Zambrano is always electric and he’s on the hill, and he's against an almost American League Mets offense.

With a simple click of the remote, we’re transported to an NBA double-header between the Cavaliers/Wizards and the Rockets/Jazz. LeBron is wreaking more havoc on DC than tourists looking for cherry blossoms so that’s fun to watch from a distance. Rockets Jazz Game 2 is a snoozer on paper but as a general rule, I don’t sleep on teams that win 22 games in a row.

Click, and we’re on the ice for another double-header. On one channel, the Washington Capitals fighting to force a game 7 with the Flyers, and the Bruins and Canadiens in their own elimination game on another. Yes, hockey on two channels. The next thing you know we’ll all be humming O’Canada and putting gravy on French-fries. I live in DC and am from Boston and can confidently say that people in both cities legitimately think that they care about these two hockey teams right now. People have jumped onto their respective bandwagons so quickly that they forgot that, as a nation, we contractually signed hockey away two years ago (you were supposed to retain the pink copy for yourself).

As filler, there is more NFL pre-draft coverage than anyone knows what to do with, which is why it is scattered everywhere like King of the Hill re-runs. I think I just saw two "experts" doing a mock draft on what Mel Kiper’s next mock draft will look like. Hell, I’d rather watch Arena Football, conveniently airing on ESPN2.
So you see the problem right? Catching all of this is impossible without a well-oiled ‘Last’ button and double-jointed thumb, but this is not my main concern. How am I, a self-diagnosed sportsaholic, supposed to pretend to keep track of all these results on a television night featuring How I Met Your Mother, Intervention, and The Hills?

Well thank god for DVR or as I like to call it, God’s button. As a culture I don’t know how we didn’t create this invention earlier and as a culture I don’t know how we haven’t awarded it some flavor of the Nobel Prize. Peace Prize: How many marital fights have been avoided by being able to watch one program and record another? Medicine Prize: No more being concerned that you’re missing Scrubs because you have to see Lost. Economics Prize: C'est la vie blank video tapes and VCRs.

I’d previously used God’s button for conflicts of interest, like when Top Chef was up against The Gauntlet 3 and both would be water cooler fodder the next day. Now God’s button has come back and one up-ed itself. I can watch my favorite Monday night staples at halftimes, commercials, and postgames (and in full disclosure, first and third quarters too). I’m downright giddy to think about how I’ll soon pretend to watch Monday Night Football! My baseball fantasy team, apathy for the Bruins, and crush on Lauren Conrad can live in harmony.

Like it says in the Bible, "And God saw that it was good."

Ichiro Picture

2008-03-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

Chinatown Bus Running Diary

2007-12-18T14:54:00.004-05:00

Prologue: I am taking the Chinatown bus to go visit some friends in NYC for the weekend. I am expecting a weekend to see some Christmasy sights in the city (as typical frustrated Jew), drink a lot (as typical young professional), and watch the Patriots maul the Jets with some friends (as a typical cocky resident of Titletown). Due to the aforementioned goals and the fact that I have to work til at least 2 PM on Friday, I have decided to risk health, sanity, and comfort and "let it ride" with the Chinatown Bus.

I went to buy my ticket from the small agency yesterday. This should have been where I got a little wary about the events of the future. Lets just say I was second in line behind two police officers that were responding to a call that all of the bags had been stolen off the bus on the way down to DC that afternoon. This would have been an omen for most people, but not me, I’m the edgiest sheltered white suburbanite I know! I decided to only buy a one-way ticket.

Lets get to the action:

Friday Afternoon (notes were taken on the bus, once it was too dark to see, I used my cameraphone light)

2:30 I thought the bus was supposed to leave at 2:30 but apparently my intermediate language lesson wasn’t enough to realized that departing in Chinese really means boarding in English.

2:32 Firstly, I’d like to dispel any rumors that the busses smell like chicken coops. They most definitely are filled with odors more likely found at a stale aquarium or a polluted pond. If this is a coach bus, it’s fashioned in the Isiah Thomas line of coaches.

2:45 The bus still hasn’t left yet but on the bright side there are lots of empty seats still. I wasn’t expecting leg room but it would be a nice little plus.

2:52 First minor heart attack of the day: a seemingly scatter-brained yet official-looking Asian woman gets on the bus. I may get off the bus if they are telling me I must put my life in the hands of an Asian woman driver. How had I not considered this a possibility? Turns out she’s just doing a headcount, which she does very quickly, of course.

2:56 A woman who turns out to be the last to board sits down next to me, there goes the no-no. I really thought I was pitching the perfect game here; head down, earphones in, muttering, taking notes. In the future I think I would go with sneezing and maybe not showering.

2:58 Doors closed. Commencing countdown, engine’s on. Check ignition and may God’s love be with you.

2:59 Ironically we have driven one block and just drove by a synagogue. I should pray for my life.

3:40 I wake up from short nap with dry mouth, crick in my neck, a funny smell. Am I in a POW camp?

3:43 I cant figure out where we are. I only see smokestacks and powerlines, it must be Baltimore because there’s not enough litter to make it New Jersey.

4:09 We’ve stopped in Baltimore to pick up more people. The LA riots had better organization than this ride so far. Its not so comforting when the people getting on the bus look surprised that they go picked up.

4:40 The two college girls behind me have finished their SECOND 20 minute conversation about texting. You know that debate about whether or not cell phones cause cancer? I may have to start rooting for cancer here. I am that frustrated already.

4:47 I’ve been working on a crossword puzzle that has turned into a little league game. It was going well and I was about three quarters of the way through before it was called due to darkness. I know I could turn on my overhead light, but on this bus I don’t wanna cause a stir. Its like jail and I want to blend in, not draw any unnecessary attention.

4:56 Just passed Ripken Field in Aberdeen Maryland. I wonder what kinda of Ironman record there is for these bus trips. I don’t want to meet the record holder.

5:20 Conversation topics between the two girls behind me thus far:
-Texting (see 4:40)
-Dave Matthews Band ("I hate when Dave plays music without singing in live shows, its like just play another song")
- Chapstick ("Look I don’t want to share… its just… gross)
- Boys (No quotes here, it wasn’t funny or interesting enough)
Way to shatter those stereotypes ladies.

5:39 Who had Delaware in the pool for state in which we would have our first screeching stop where we all go flying?

6:00 Apparently the next stop is Philadelphia. Thanks for enlightening us on all of the trip details. This bus should be called Washibaltidelphiyork.

6:03 We just passed a strip club called Show + Tel which sounds a lot like the place my mom used to work, Show & Tell. Surely, you cant make this stuff up, and don’t call me Oedipus. I am now nauseous for a whole new set of reasons.

6:54 Welcome to the New Jersey Turnpike, the national syringe cemetery.

7:13 We have stopped again, this time on the New Jersey Turnpike at a gas station. This is the tipping point. Anyone who read Malcom Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point knows what I mean, especially since all the book does is restate the same point over and over and over again. Ironically chapter three of that mindless crap was my tipping point.

Anyway, I have now been on the bus for almost four hours and I am not even close to New York City. Me knees feel like they belong to Barbaro, my nose has ingested more waste than either of the Olsen twins, and there is a strong chance I will end up as the suspect of a double homicide of two teenage girls. My choices are stranding myself on the turnpike (which surprisingly doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea right now), knock my head against the window until I shatter the window or knock myself out, OR turn up my iPod, pull my hat down over my eyes and hope I sleep.

8:48 I am awake and everyone is getting out in Chinatown, for better or worse, I made it.

My Favorite Mistake

2007-10-14T16:22:00.005-04:00

I woke up this morning with an odd feeling; I couldn’t place it. I knew it was a feeling I’ve woken up with before. Immediately it felt a lot like regret, and after four years of college I knew the how to check for the warning signs of a bad late-night decision. A quick walkthrough of my apartment and I realized I was alone BUT there were some empties on the coffee table.

The mystery in the air could be cleared up with one final test: the checking of the cell phone. Who did I call or text last night in the wee hours or morn (Technological patent idea- I wish my phone had a Breathalyzer device on it like DUI offenders get on their cars. Where I must blow less than a .08 to place a call or text). When I got to the inbox, it all made sense:

Received at 1:01am from Brother: I cant breathe right now. Gagne? Whyyy?
Sent at 1:06am to Brother: Did Jon Lester die? Why is Gagne coming in?
Received at 1:13am from Brother: I cant watch this anymore, its not healthy.

And so I was right and wrong. It was a late night mistake, egregious to the very core. It was a familiar mistake, although not the kind I was expecting.

Why was this happening? Terry Francona isn’t stupid; we always talk about how he’s a good coach. Yet Francona brought in Eric Gagne in the 11th inning with guys like Jon Lester, Javier Lopez staying cold in the bullpen. Granted both Lester and Lopez stunk, but they were brought in with inherited runners and against Indians who had momentum up the Wahoo.

Gagne had less chance to succeed than the gawd-awful looking movie The Comebacks. First, he had pitched the night before against the same first two batters he was faced last night. Why would we give them a pitcher they had just seen? Second, he had throw 25 pitches the night before, allowing a hit and walking two. Thirdly, what has he done for us this season? Not much besides allowing runs in 7 of 20 appearances and sporting a 6.75 ERA and a WHIP over 1.8. He sucks, the end.

Meanwhile, I remember the pangs of this mistake in the past. On September 18, the Red Sox, or should I say Eric Gagne, blew a game to Toronto, during the pennant chase. After the game, Francona defended his decision to bring in Gagne (who let up walk, single, walk, walk, double in the loss) over Papelbon by saying that he had to find out if he could trust Gagne in the end of the season. Don’t believe me? Check it out.

So who is to blame? Gagne doesn’t just blow games now, he blows, period. For Francona it’s a "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" situation. I don’t know who is worse.

However I am a solutions-oriented guy so lets finish vomiting, rinse with mouthwash and move on. Besides hoping that momentum hasn’t complete shifted in the series, the Red Sox can only make one logical move. Thanks to a new rule this year, teams can remove a player from its roster and replace him. The caveat is that the replaced player may not return for the next series, if the team moves on. With that said, goodbye Gagne, welcome back Bryan Corey. The easiest way to stop those late night mistakes is making that person impossible to call on, lets remove Gagne from our contacts, from our bullpen.