Snot(ty) Rocket

On May 5 2004, Roger Clemens struck out his 4137th batter, making him second all-time behind Nolan Ryan.

Today Roger Clemens made even more history four Cinco de Mayo's later. In what can timely be described as mucho douchebaggery, Roger Clemens' spokesman issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced pitcher. "Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

Um I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?

Seriously how audacious is this guy? Lets get all K-zone on that last paragraph and break it down pitch by pitch:

• Roger Clemens' spokesman- Roger Clemens did not show up
• Issued a statement- Roger Clemens did not actually apologize
• These articles contains many false accusations- Roger Clemens has problems accepting responsibility
• I have made mistakes in my personal life- Roger Clemens has done some way worse stuff than has been printed
• Like everyone, I have flaws- Roger Clemens is again passing the buck and trying to remind us of our own flaws... classy.

It's a BS apology, worse than Larry David's apology over the phone while snacking on pistachios. Its really even worse because its not an apology, he sent someone to do his bidding for him. This isn't too surprising though considering Clemens left his mark on American League batters literally, with beanballs that would be re-paid only to his teammates.

Normally this would be a good thing for men everywhere, as The Rocket continues to lower the bar for the rest of us. Oh you forgot we were meeting up for dinner? Whatever at least you didn't sleep with a 15-year old country singer... You didn't call on my birthday? At least you didn't cheat at your job for more than 10 years.

You get it. Basically this Clemens things is turning into a bizarre Mad Libs game:
Roger Clemens is guilty of ________ (a crime or one of the 10 Commandments) with ______ (person or group of people) in ______ (place).

This little trick can explain how he could commit perjury with former teammates in Washington DC. Or how he could sleep with a minor who is a country music singer in Boston. Or how he could commit adultery with John Daly's ex-wife in Texas (meanwhile odds are that if you've slept with a woman in Texas, it is probably one of John Daly's ex-wives). If we find out next that Clemens broke and entered a Labatts Plant in Toronto with Bryan Adams, or coveted thy neighbor's wife in New York with Rudy Giuliani, I am calling the FBI tipline. The options are really endless.

There's only one way this thing can end, and its not pretty. Clemens and the media need an ugly break up and he needs to face a barrage of questions and fess up to all the juicy details. That way we can get it all out of our systems, move on, and then forget Clemens into the dark shadows of our mind. There he can shamefully reside with things like 90's pop culture fads, beer goggles, all my little league errors, and the Roger Clemens Red Sox era.