Not Not Untitled Field Trip: WWE Raw

How does one write about their first wrestling experience in almost 10 years conclusively? They don't; no one writes about wrestling or the WWE conclusively, which is why I will throw down some general thoughts from last night's WWE Raw in Washington DC, along with some of my blurry pictures from the festivities (which, after all, are worth a thousand blurry words).

-Before Raw began, we were treated to undercard matches being taped for WWE's Saturday Night show (check local listless). There were about three matches or just enough time for two beer runs.

-In between the generic wrestlers and generic wrestling, there were public service announcements from Jeff Foxworthy and Carmen Electra. I love how the WWE doesn't even pretend to be something it's not.

-The highlight of the pre-show was a live appearance by Jenny McCarthy, who spoke about her upcoming debut for the WWE to raise awareness for the fight against autism. I actually heard someone around me say "I hear autism has a great finishing move." Comments like this make me wonder why it's been so long since my last wrestling event.

-Raw began with a barrage of fireworks and pyrotechnics that could have sank the Lusitania and which Hellen Keller would have thought were entirely too loud. However the stadium is more packed than it was for any of the Wizards/Cavs playoff games, and the cheers make me think that no one else minds.

-The show starts with the apparent heir to the belt, John Cena, talking about hitting some dude named Batista by accident last week. Soon enough the two are face to face and it's funny because I feel like I've witnessed this before. These two are the poverty-man's versions of Stone Cold and The Rock, respectively

-Cena is supposed to be Steve Austin from the camo-hat down to the jorts. I'm told he's the fan favorite these days (only WWE could create multiple jorts-wearing fan favorites). Meanwhile, Batista comes out in slick shades and muscles on his muscles; he is one lopsided eyebrow and two meaty muttonchops away from being the Rock. Problem is that neither guy has enough charisma to make you think they could stand in the same ring as their predecessors.

-My seats were 3rd row on the floor (fake blood splash zone!) and conveniently next to ring-announcer Lillian Garcia. I recognize her from the original Josh Bard WWE Era (1999ish) but she somehow looks five years younger than I remember her... this makes no sense, must be a LOST wormhole situation. Turns out that it's just she is made of more plastic now than most of the WWE action figures.-The night was filled with feeling like I almost fit in. I saw someone who resembled former wrestler The Godfather (of ho-train fame), someone who was the son of Goldust, someone who almost looked like the Kane I used to root for, and some doughy guy named JBL who used to be a jacked guy named Bradshaw. I was confused, excited, and not all together comfortable so it sort of reminded me of losing my virginity (except there were more people cheering and way more funny signs).

-The Best moment of the night? Maybe the two eight-year olds behind me cheering "Kick him in the nuts!" all night. Could have been Shane McMahon's pretty boy dance shuffle. Maybe the nerdy 'only in DC' sign that said "McCain/JBL '08". Then there was my new favorite wrestler, Jimmy Wang Yang, an Asian cowboy. He's got the mustache of an old Western hero and the athleticism of a small Asian man (and he lost in about eight seconds to a Frankenstein looking dude from India). Then again it was probably seeing Kelly Kelly.

Basically the night was filled with enjoyable moments in the forms of chokeslams, beer, crotch-shots, scantily clad women, and the unintentional comedy of WWE die-hards. It's clear that you dont have to be well-read on WWE soap opera storylines (or even just well-read) to enjoy a night at Raw. I recommend it a trip when the traveling show hits your town.