Shaqtastic

I love Shaq, but there's no need for me to say it since I assume everyone in the world loves Shaq. I should have said we. He belongs on a list with Slumdog Millionaire, lobster tail, world peace, breasts, and money as things universally loved. Yesterday's NBA All Star Game serves as reason 1819 why Shaq is so great. If you didn't see it, Shaq, an All-Star reserve, was introduced with a scene bigger than any starter would ever have commanded. Check it out.

More about reason 1819: Today on PTI, Wilbon called it the greatest NBA All Star moment since Marvin Gaye's famous Star Spangled Banner in 1983. I have less history in my head than him, but couldn't agree more. Shaq can dance, like really dance, even better than he can dunk, rebound, act, joke, or rap. (Also it's a mahogany-smelling big deal because it made up for an atrocious All Star weekend. HORSE should have been euthanized like Eight Belles. The skills competition is contrived. The Dunk Contest lacks meaningful stars, relative creativity, and successful format.)

And I'm not just plugging up Shaq because I have a bunch of his rookie cards, which I really need to finally mature since my 401k couldn't buy a new pack of Upper Decks right now. If this truly was Shaq's final All Star performance, it was a final opus only a Big Diesel could have composed. The opening stanza of Jabberwocky dance would have been enough, but it was followed by a dunk-ridden, crescendo on the way to 17 points in 11 minutes. That culminated with the most important piece of all: one MVP stealing scene from Kobe Bryant. It was the basketball version of Scenes From an Italian Restaurant. He'll go out at the top (un-Favrian) like John Elway, Lou Gehrig's "Luckiest Man" speech, and the Christmas episode of the British Office.

The MVP timeshare between Kobe and Shaq was even more magnanimous due to the fact that Shaq publicly asked Kobe how his ass tasted last summer in an "impromptu" club rap. And then they were both holding a trophy as if it had never happened. This is the epitome of Shaq; he is so charismatic he could insinuate the debatably best player in the NBA knows the flavor of his butt and then months later stand toe to toe, arm in arm with the man without repercussion.

The Shaq list will likely go way past 1819 but I doubt any reason will ever surpass 1819 in quantity. How could it? But before I quit for the day, lets peruse some of 1819's predecessors...

#1- The first time I ever saw Shaq shatter a backboard... #22- The trivia of him being passed over on the Dream Team for Christian Laettner... #192- Shaq's rap CD, Shaq Diesel has a song that is still on my running mix (by the way he has five albums)... #341- Shaq starred in Blue Chips... #342- Shaq starred in Kazaam and then still landed other roles... #592- A method called 'Hack a Shaq' was created to minimize his dominance... #640- The Shaq-originated practice of watching the dunk contest with your camcorder and feigning shock and awe by falling on top of his neighbor upon every highlight... #718- Shaq was traded to Miami, promised a championship, and delivered it in two seasons... #719- Kobe never won a title without him... #913- During my junior year of college I asked Shaq a question in a postgame media scrum and he didn't treat it like a question from a 20 year old... #1045- Shaq's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm... #1269- Shaq's nickname fluidity: Big Daddy, Big Diesel, Big Cactus, Shaqtus, Shaq-Fu, etc... #1351- Shaq's utter dominance PR-wise over Kobe... #1407- Shaq became a volunteer sheriff in Florida and actually helped on a few arrests... #1516- Shaq had a huge circular bed on an episode of Cribs... #1602- The aforementioned Kobe rap... #1757- Shaq kills this commercial... #1812- Shaq unbelievable resurgence this season (17 pts 9 reb a game)

I Used to Want to Be an Athlete

Now I don’t think it would be so cool. With every age I think there’s a reason that once seemed logical. Looking back, I was dumb, but I was younger and I’m so smart now that it’s really not fair to compare. Today I am really smart, like really smart. I’d say I get about 2 out of every 5 Final Jeopardy answers in a given week (I said smart, not cool).

Here’s the breakdown through the years…

Age 2-5
Bouncy balls were fun. Getting dirty was fun. It didn’t matter if I won or lost, just how I played the game. Every season ends with a pizza party. Basically I was retarded; I was just in the dark. Lets call these the Dark Ages and forget they ever happened.

Age 6-7
I used to want to be on baseball cards; in fact I think I used to only like sports because of baseball cards. How stupid is that? These were overpriced pictures that were mostly boring and if you were lucky, unintentionally funny. Why would I want my picture in the hands of hundreds of other people? I don’t even like seeing my own picture now; I can never smile right. (Maybe because I’m not an athlete)

Age 8-11
Remember when athletes used to be cool? Remember when I didn’t know they were sleezeballs, drunks, egomaniacs, wifebeaters, etc. Maybe it’s one of those things that’s cooler when you’re actually doing it... but its kinda hard to justify the sleezing, drinking, wifebeating, and etcetera-ing… even if I am currently drunk.

Age 12-14
By the age of thirteen I had just won the lottery called a Bar Mitzvah. More euphoric than playing ball was the feeling of having loads of money (enough for boxes of baseball cards). I think was about the time that points per game stat began to take a backseat to contract size. I was 14 in 1998 when the Red Sox stiffed everyone’s favorite player, Mo Vaughn. He went on to sign a 6-year 80million dollar deal with the Angels. Money mattered, trophies didn’t, loyalty didn’t.

Age 15-16
What does any guy think about in these years? I could be very R-rated crude and anatomical but I might get a girlfriend who can read, so I’ll just leave it at "girls." And the jocks always got the girls in high school, and I knew that Wilt Chamberlain was very ‘extracurricular,’ Chris Webber was dating Tyra Banks, and I had seen the SI Swimsuit issue with Phil Mickelson’s wife in a bikini (a watershed moment for any teenager). I was only as far as high school math at this point in my life but according to my calculations, I figured that I could probably turn a lefty lay-up and a 16 foot jump shot into at least a solid 7.

However I never figured out if girls wanted guys who had good bodies and that athletes just happened to have those, or if athletes had good bodies and that’s why women were drawn to them. More recently I have realized that it doesn’t even matter because having a good body is really freaking hard. I like eating fried stuff, and going to the gym is a lot of work. Plus did you know it takes way more than 100 crunches to get 6-pack abs? (What’s up with that?) You realize later in your life that there are plenty of jobs that don’t require rippling arms and pecs… or at least you find a fall back option.

Ages 17-18
This was a weird age. I think I still wanted the money, I think I still wanted the girls. I definitely wanted to be on TV and be famous so I could have the money and the girls. This was an era where my eyes were too big for my stomach. I wanted everything I didn’t have and didn’t want anything I had.
I wanted to move to a big city because I lived in a small town. I didn’t realize the agony of public transportation.
I wanted everyone to know me because sometimes I thought even my friends were calling me by the wrong name. I wanted to be huge and have everyone know everything I do. In actuality, that’s what most athletes hate about being athletes.
I wanted to bypass 4 years of college because I was struggling with 4 years of high school classes. Who knew how much fun college would be besides everyone who has seen Animal House? Old School wasn’t even out back then!! 4 years of lessons like 'you can actually drink beer from a funnel' and 'it’s pretty easy to sleep through fire alarms.'
I wanted to have no curfew because, well, I had one.

And now I’m 23 and I don’t want to be an athlete anymore. I’ve felt this way for a few years now and am satisfied with calling these years the age of enlightenment. There are surely perks to being a professional athlete but these aren’t exclusive to athletes. You can be involved in sports without ever leaving the comforts of your resting heart rate (become a bookie). You can live lavishly without huge ups or leadership skills (become a Congressman). And you can’t buy happiness anyway… unless you’re in Nevada or Montreal. And the biggest lesson may be that any Joe Schmo can score the ladies without sporting tight bodies and accolades of any sort (Just go to any Karaoke night in America and find those drunk girls who are a little too into Kelly Clarkson’s lyrics, and introduce yourself).