Bond: You Only Live Twice

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

You Only Live Twice (1967) watched 11/10/08

PREMISE:
Just when you thought you knew of 007's Earthly limitations, he shows up for You Only Live Twice and brings down a rouge space satellite, which threatens the peace between the US and USSR. That's right, Bond in space!! YOLT is a stellar installment where Bond goes places literally and figuratively we haven't seen in the first four episodes. On the literal side Bond spends most of the film in Japan tracking down the latest apocalyptic peril, and on a less literal level he deals with his own death and a few trust issues.

Taking down a satellite AND a SPECTRE-backed plot isn't an easy task for any one man, so Bond's plans are complex and involve many aspects. The first problem is Bond's early death... or so we think! (This would be a spoiler only to those dumb enough to think Bond could die nine minutes into the movie... hint there are about 17 Bond films to follow) The faked death would make Jack Bauer proud the scene where Bond is brought back is one of the coolest so far in Fleming's series.

After the revelation that 007 is still alive, Bond goes through a series of smaller battles including him infiltrating a heavily guarded industrial factory, destroying four helicopters in his solo-copter, landing a rigged-to-crash plane at the last second, and undergoing a Japanese makeover. The makeover included some sort of eye manipulation and a stereotypical black wig, and for those scoring at home, it is the second most un-politically correct piece of the movie trailing Bond's question to his Asian lover: "Why do Chinese girls taste different than other girls?" That seems out of bounds for even Mad Men dialogue.

And Bond gets more help than ever before, this time from a squad of Japanese ninjas, most of whom are sacrificed in a evil-lair storming scene eerily reminiscent of Normandy Beach. Once inside the base we get some of the Austin Powers fodder including piranha's trained to kill (post-kill line: "Bon appetite"), a self-destruct command, and a comic reveal of the SPECTRE leader. Yadda yadda yadda Bond foils the plot and for the second time in five films, we hit the credits with 007 getting cozy in a raft with his latest swing.

THE BOND GIRL:
YOLT puts a lot less impact on one Bond girl, but if there is one woman who takes the lead role it is Mie Hama (somewhere Asian Nomar just got a boner) who plays Kissy Suzuki. In a role reversal from the last few installments, Kissy is an aide of Bond's, as the head of Japanese secret-service. Besides being deployed into the field where she is handy with the steel (to earn her keep), she plays a role in a fake marriage to Bond during his Asian "transformation."

Like Bond, Kissy seems to have no fears and willing to sacrifice all for the chance to make things right. She is central to the sabotage of SPECTRE's lair and the foiling of the evil plot, plus I already explained where she ends up when all is said and done. However we really never learn much about Kissy including her background or much about her personality. Except for her good looks she is almost as bland as the hundreds of extra ninjas. Hama, is a Japanese actress who brings a new flavor to Bond girls, and I give her a very bland double-o-5 out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

This is basically the end of the Sean Connery era and its sad to see him go, especially of Roger Moore sucks as bad as I hear. Connery brought unbelievable personality to the Bond character, including an awesome accent, unbelievable chauvinism, and a plume of chest hair. Besidesthe apex of Connery-isms YOLT is much more of a snapshot of the times than the other films. We are treated to a 1960's display xenophobia and Cold War fears that were rampant in the time of release.

Bond: Thunderball

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

Thunderball (1965) watched 11/5/08

THE PREMISE:
Bond is back and this time SPECTRE has a new plan to foil the efforts of 007, with two stolen NATO atomic bombs. Bond's duty, which he quickly chooses to accept, is to retrieve the bombs and save NATO 100 million pounds in ransom money. In preparation for an amphibious journey, Bond just so happens to run into a SPECTRE henchman and officially has a lead for his mission, onto Nassau!

This is not a vacation, Bond is reminded by M that this is no vacation, and we quickly get the point as Bond survives a couple quick assassination attempts and meets a sinister fellow (obviously decked out in eyepatch) upon his arrival. Bond is also equipped with a Geiger counter, underwater camera, and a very hipster red leather-looking scuba suit. With his either really cool or really flamboyant gear set, Bond meets Domino (see Bond Girl), the estranged brother of henchman #1. Domino leads to Largo, arch-enemy #1 in Thunderball who relishes and matches Bond's wit and brashness, in many psychological pissing contests.

One thing leads to another and we end up with finding Bond in situations like the bugging his hotel room with the tape recorder in the hollowed book trick, the having sex in a steam room trick, and fighting way too many bad guys in an underwater spear-fight trick. Much of the film's violence actually occurs underwater in scuba suits with spears (post-kill line "I think he got the point"), a first for the Bond series, and its visual effects were Oscar-rewarded. Hardware notwithstanding, Thunderball was a bit of a drag, especially after Goldfinger. The underwater scenes, while revolutionary, seemed endless and it was often hard to tell which body was Bond's. The parade chase scene could also have used a good edit or seven.

Bond is still Bond though, and you cant argue with that. He tallies three more notches on his bedpost and another steamingly hot Bond Girl in Domino. His knack for the gadgets and willingness to punch cross-dressing funeral goers (ridiculous scene alert!) is admirable and cinematic poetry.


THE BOND GIRL:
The aforementioned Domino is another thoroughbred in the long line of Bond heroins. Domino in this case is a fickle beast; the brother of a spurned SPECTRE member, and the mistress of another, she is in a 1960's version of a Shakespeare tragedy. James Bond enters stage left and pursues the layered Domino to a point where she is saved on a number of levels and left in the safe arms of 007.
Domino is played by the desirable Claudine Auger. Visually tempting and ethically suspicious, it is clear why both Bond and the viewer are drawn to her and she is a trophy-case exploit for Bond, winning her over and additionally turning her against her lover. I will give her a double-0-8 out of 10.


WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:
Following Goldfinger is like following Lisa Lampanelli at a Comedy Central roast (NSFW), and Thuderball's biggest detraction is just that. It's not particularly memorable but not particularly bad, its just there, as Bond film #4. The special effects are its most notable triumph, and for someone watching in 2008, that novelty falls by the wayside. What's left is Sean Connery continuing to be the man; whether it's in a jet-pack evading a murder, or just diffusing a bombshell with just his accent and charm, Connery's Bond is reason enough to stay tuned.

Bond: Goldfinger

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

Goldfinger (1964) watched 10/28/08

PREMISE: In maybe the most classic Goldfinger, we join Bond on a trip to the good ole U-S of A, on a mission to prevent a break in at Fort Knox. But that is getting a bit ahead of ourselves. The film opens with Bond being Bond, a scene in which he blows up an enemy's silo, has a spotlight stealing entrance to the nearby bar, brings a bar hottie home, is attacked just before the big kiss, and ends up electrocuting his attacker (Post-kill line "Shocking, positively shocking"). Quite the renaissance man.

Bond's next stop is Miami where he is sent to gather intel on a potential (foreshadowing!!) enemy, a fat, red-headed, miserly-look fellow named Goldfinger. This must be perhaps the least intimidating bad guy in the history of good versus evil. We meet the obesely sinister gentleman as he is cheating an opponent in a game of Gin; this guy could be most people's Jewish grandfather, so it doesn't even seem fair he has to compete with 007. Then again in one scene Bond actually cant outdrive a group of Asians in a car chase... I find it hard to believe that in 1964, this was the stereotype that didn't exist.

Meanwhile, Goldfinger, like his farcical half-brother Goldmember, is obsessed with all things gold. Whether it be the gold painted woman or the gold bullion Bond offers him before a stellar exhibition of golf hustle that would make Tin Cup proud. Goldfinger marks the first time Bond truly gets his ride pimped. Q and the British Intelligence Agency hook Bond up with a tricked out Aston Martin (smoke screens, oil slicks, ejector seat!!). Bond becomes a prisoner and spends most of the mission working from the inside in preventing the Fort Knox devastation.

THE BOND GIRL:

Two words: Pussy Galore. That's her name and she is a new breed of Bond girl. Pussy, is Goldfinger's personal pilot, and a part of his Knox plans in the form of a golden shower, literally. Pussy is a more modern woman than previous Bond girls and thus harder for Bond to manipulate. In fact, Bond barely gets a roll in hay (again literally) with Pussy before the final shootout.

Bond girl version three has many of the modern upgrades on the second protocol including better looks, stronger personality, and the fact that in the end she ends up saving the day. She kind of even looks like someone who could be a hot friend of your mom. Pussy Galore will probably go down more as a punchline in history than anything else, however, I give her a double-0-seven out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

Goldfinger is clearly a classic Bond and it lives up to the hype. It comes with a quickly paced plot and a more complex scheme than its predecessors. It also is different from the other two because its the first time James Bond really needs someone else to stop the henchman, as Pussy Galore comes to the rescue. While Bond continues to grow in stature and in legend, Ian Fleming perhaps has begun to suggest that Bond can't always do it alone. If for no other reason, see Goldfinger so that you start to get all of the everyday references to the film that previously flew over your head.

Bond: From Russia With Love

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963) watched 10/27/08

PREMISE:

Bond strangled in a garden!? Secret notes in a chess match!? Gypsy fights!? Welcome to From Russia With Love, Ian Fleming's follow up to Dr. No. In this second installment Bond is sent to Istanbul into a known trap, to recover a Russian decoding machine for the Brits. Bond, skeptical at first, sees a photo of his mark (and eventual Bond Girl) and its lust at first sight, so much so that he accepts the perilous mission. And you know the rest, more near-misses in gun fights, narrowly avoiding a venom spiked shoe, and the old bait and switch with a drugged glass of wine. The best moment in terms of action, and maybe most improbable, is Bond's sniper-like shot of a man holding a grenade in a helicopter, which explodes the entire vehicle. Awesome.

This time around Bond is spied on by a man with a diabolical mustache and a sketchy shoeshine, further proof that Bond cannot get to an airport without being followed. FRWL is the first film where 007 is given an arsenal of gadgets; he's equipped with a briefcase that stores Russian gold coins, a throwing knife, ammo, and tear-gas security device. Bond is also armed with the same double entendres, and witty post-kill one liners at his disposal ("She should have kept her moth shut")

Otherwise its more of the same from during Bond's mission: smooth talking his way through interviews, sexing up potential enemies, and something between karate chopping and pistol whipping the bad guys. Bond is like a bad-ass Don Draper: He rolls in style with grey suits and fedoras, and pleases ladies in every city he visits (one in a canoe in London, two in a gypsy camp outside Istanbul, and one other throughout the movie).

THE BOND GIRL:

Our first look at Bond in FRWL is in a canoe with that post-sex glow, clearly no longer involved with Honey Ryder (a single tiny tear runs down my cheek). Canoe girl isn't the Bond girl, but we eventually meet the new Bond girl. She is drastically different this time, Tatiana Romanova, a Russian spy, who we know is part of the sceme against our hero. She is obviously attractive but packs neither the sex appeal nor the naive innocence of Honey Ryder. Maybe its a tough act to follow or maybe she really is just a huge step down, a sophomore slump, if you will.

Tatiana goes through a metamorphasis when the double-crossing begins, and there is never a "wow" moment with her. Like the first Bond girl, Tatiana is a thorn in the side of Bond's plans, but worse, she is whiny and pretty useless, considering she is an agent herself. Plus, that Russian accent isn't helping anyone either. I give her a double-0-five out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

I didn't like FRWL as much as DN but it was a nice transition from Bond the detective to Bond the spy. Bond gets more toys and gadgets and gets his hands dirtier before the final climax (speaking of climaxes, Bond sleeps with three more girls this time around, bringing the total count up to 6 in two movies). Bond has more pop to his punches and more swagger to his step. The evolution from British agent to international spy and womanizer has clearly begun.

Bond: Dr. No

Most people have pegged November 4th as the most important day of the month and potentially in recent history. This would be something if Obama hadn't already wrapped things up, so I am looking forward, all the way forward to the next most important day in November, the 14th. On Friday the 14th, the United States of Barack will witness the unveiling of a real political hero, this one British, Mr. James Bond.

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.



DR. NO (1962) watched 10/26/08

PREMISE:
Bond investigates a set of murders of British agents on the island of Jamaica. We meet Mr. Bond at a card table in England, winning hands, seducing women, and sexually harassing (in the cool way!) his secretary. Bond is clearly established as he is followed around by sketchy guy hiding behind newspaper at the airport, and tailed by a suspicious Hispanic driver in Jamaica.

Sean Connery as Bond is a weird image, since Connery exists in my head as Darrell Hammond on Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy. This Connery is young, ripped, and has an admirable amount of chest hair. Dr. No treats to us 1960's delicacies such as those awesomely fake backgrounds during driving scenes, lame post-kill punchlines like "I think they were on their way to a funeral," and a lack of cool Bond gadgets we've come to expect. Connery is given a new gun and silencer before his trip to Jamaica and at one point uses the old hair-on-the-door-frame trick to check the security of his hotel room.

Bond comes across more as a womanizer (gets his first of three lays nine minutes in) and detective, than a true spy, in this first chapter. The movie follows him as he tracks down the suspects and narrowly escapes CERTAIN DEATH, and by certain death a mean a planted tarantula in his bed, a sniper near miss, and a car chase on a cliff. Except for a three minute vent escape late in the film, there aren't many lulls.

THE BOND GIRL:

Ursula Andress played Honey Ryder, a sweet and innocent sea-shell searcher on Dr. No's Crab Key (Sound FX: spooky piano chord). Crab Key is like a mix between the Others' hideout on LOST and Bowser's Castle, if they existed during the Cold War. Our hero meets Honey Ryder on his Jamaican justice odyssey. It's the cliched story of love: she gets in the way and sets the radar off, he saves her from the potentially exploding missile factory, and the two end up creating their own happy ending in a rowboat.

Here's what you need to know, Honey Ryder is a ridiculously gorgeous, easily corruptible groupie. She is everything that is right about Bond girls: she is ludiciously hot (don't know if I mentioned that yet), doesn't steal his spotlight, and has that sneaky bed-hopping candor. She is definitely worth risking life and limb for and I would give her a double-0-nine out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

Chapter one was overall a real winner. Bond is set up as a real hero to the audience. There is little he can't talk, fight, or drive his way out of. Women, like the villains are no match for 007's slick and sly ways. For a first time watcher, there are many familiar scenes and motifs thanks to the Austin Powers trilogy. Its not a masterpiece, but its a strong start for the Bond series.