The 2008 Red Sox Hostage Crisis

Look, I'm not saying that the ALCS is over, and I'm not saying I dont like Terry Francona but right now he has kidnapped the 2008 Boston Red Sox. The way he has managed the first three games makes me think he took the Rays in five, in the office pool. Now I know that Beckett's fastballs had less movement the last few weeks than John McCain's arms, that David Ortiz should be nicknamed Big Pop Up, and that it seems like Jason Varitek had to give up all of his talent in the divorce, but I think this all begins and ends with the skipper.

Usually, if Tito had kidnapped the Red Sox, he would leave a list of demands, but I've seen enough hostage movies to know that the negotiator must take charge, and the following are my list of demands to Francona, along with a message that if he just complies, this can all turn out just fine.

1) We can never bat Alex Cora and Jason Varitek next to each other in the lineup. No way, no how they are the ultimate rally killer, and like Jonah Hill says of McLovin, the anti-poon. These two are essentially automatic outs, like when girls get up to bat in summer beer softball. Varitek's superlatives all come in past tense form, and what can anyone say about Alex Cora except that he will one day make a good manager? Maybe that day should come sooner than we all think.

2) Take Mike Timlin, walk him into the players parking lot, and run him over with JD Drew's All Star MVP Chevy Tahoe. Well maybe not that, but you get my drift. I love Timlin, I am grateful for Mike Timlin, but his tenure with the Red Sox this season should have ended with the regular season. Francona is always called a players manager and its obvious this is a feel good decision that isn't so feel good anymore.

3) Jon Lester should have been removed today in the fourth inning and slated to start game six. Everyone has bad games but why are we keeping him around to waste pitches today. This game screamed for a Paul Byrd innings eater. If Lester had stayed under 60 pitches, he could have easily pitched on short rest in game 6. Not anymore, 96 pitches. Why?

4) Jacoby Ellsbury should be bunting, and not off his forehead. I don't know what his 0-fer streak is at right now but you gotta try anything you can to shake a slump. Ellsbury's repertoire of 300-foot flyballs helps no one. Put the ball on the ground Willie Mays Hayes or else get comfortable being a pinch runner.

5) Sometimes a sacrifice is an out worth giving up. Especially with most of our guys Ice Age cold right now, why can't we give up an out to move a runner up. I know that you don't change horses midstream and that we aren't a team that gives up outs but maybe you shake up the pot a little bit. Otherwise the only guys who are hitting (Pedroia, Bay, Kotsay) will stop seeing pitches all together.

6) Please refuse all mid-inning interviews. Unless contractually obligated, which would make no sense, please stop talking to Chip Carey and Buck Martinez mid-inning. You don't shed any light on any aspects of baseball and you do not help our team win by taking 5 minutes off, which I am pretty sure, is why we're all here. Plus those guys are atrocious at broadcasting games, a growing trend in baseball broadcasting.

7) Learn from past mistakes. In game One you left Dice-K in for the start of the eighth. Even though he had been spectacular, he was showing signs of fatigue, was way over pitch count, and was letting more guys to first base than the slutty girl at a sweet 16 party. Dice-K should've only seen the eighth inning from the dugout or locker room, with a bag of ice on his shoulder. We don't need another Grady Little situation, I won't see this team go down like that again. Trust your bullpen, which mostly has been exceptional in the past few weeks (for exception to rule, see demand 2).

Mr. Francona, please please let the team go. It's only 2-1 Rays, we've come back from more. No one wants to get hurt here and no one has to. If we work together we can make it all better. We're always told that baseball players need short memories in times of struggle, and we too can forgive and forget. You have a contract through 2011 so there will be no ransom paid, now GIVE ME BACK MY TEAM.

My Favorite Mistake

I woke up this morning with an odd feeling; I couldn’t place it. I knew it was a feeling I’ve woken up with before. Immediately it felt a lot like regret, and after four years of college I knew the how to check for the warning signs of a bad late-night decision. A quick walkthrough of my apartment and I realized I was alone BUT there were some empties on the coffee table.

The mystery in the air could be cleared up with one final test: the checking of the cell phone. Who did I call or text last night in the wee hours or morn (Technological patent idea- I wish my phone had a Breathalyzer device on it like DUI offenders get on their cars. Where I must blow less than a .08 to place a call or text). When I got to the inbox, it all made sense:

Received at 1:01am from Brother: I cant breathe right now. Gagne? Whyyy?
Sent at 1:06am to Brother: Did Jon Lester die? Why is Gagne coming in?
Received at 1:13am from Brother: I cant watch this anymore, its not healthy.

And so I was right and wrong. It was a late night mistake, egregious to the very core. It was a familiar mistake, although not the kind I was expecting.

Why was this happening? Terry Francona isn’t stupid; we always talk about how he’s a good coach. Yet Francona brought in Eric Gagne in the 11th inning with guys like Jon Lester, Javier Lopez staying cold in the bullpen. Granted both Lester and Lopez stunk, but they were brought in with inherited runners and against Indians who had momentum up the Wahoo.

Gagne had less chance to succeed than the gawd-awful looking movie The Comebacks. First, he had pitched the night before against the same first two batters he was faced last night. Why would we give them a pitcher they had just seen? Second, he had throw 25 pitches the night before, allowing a hit and walking two. Thirdly, what has he done for us this season? Not much besides allowing runs in 7 of 20 appearances and sporting a 6.75 ERA and a WHIP over 1.8. He sucks, the end.

Meanwhile, I remember the pangs of this mistake in the past. On September 18, the Red Sox, or should I say Eric Gagne, blew a game to Toronto, during the pennant chase. After the game, Francona defended his decision to bring in Gagne (who let up walk, single, walk, walk, double in the loss) over Papelbon by saying that he had to find out if he could trust Gagne in the end of the season. Don’t believe me? Check it out.

So who is to blame? Gagne doesn’t just blow games now, he blows, period. For Francona it’s a "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" situation. I don’t know who is worse.

However I am a solutions-oriented guy so lets finish vomiting, rinse with mouthwash and move on. Besides hoping that momentum hasn’t complete shifted in the series, the Red Sox can only make one logical move. Thanks to a new rule this year, teams can remove a player from its roster and replace him. The caveat is that the replaced player may not return for the next series, if the team moves on. With that said, goodbye Gagne, welcome back Bryan Corey. The easiest way to stop those late night mistakes is making that person impossible to call on, lets remove Gagne from our contacts, from our bullpen.