Last year after watching a full slate of week 1 games, I thought I had figured everything out. I assumed I would be making the bookies my bitches and impressing my friends with clairvoyance. I probably don't need to explain to you that my plan didn't exactly work out. This year I have taken in two weeks of games and still don't have it all figured out, but I'm on the scent. Right now the NFL is the polar bear in the jungle of LOST and I am scouring the trail like Locke, picking up on all sorts of clipped branches, spots of blood, and footprints. I will find that polar bear, but for now, here's what I have:
THE CONTENDERS: Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, Panthers, Giants, Steelers, Colts, Broncos, Patriots.
Cowboys- With Brady put down, demonstrative favorites and most fun team to watch thanks to HBO's Hard Knocks.
Eagles- Sure they destroyed a bad team but they are back to their old selves.
Packers- Too many parallels between Aaron Rodgers and Obe Won to doubt them
Panthers- Like ShamWow, I don't really get how this works, but you can't argue with results, and they've cleaned up two big stains.
Giants- It's cute that one New York team doesn't lose.
Steelers- Best looking team in the AFC so far which is like saying the cutest girl at fat camp.
Colts- Peyton Manning Beta may be a downgrade from the original, but its not Jason Patric in Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Broncos- They've got talent, luck, and a good schedule on their side.
Patriots- Possibly the child sitting at the Contenders' grown-up table right now but they are still hungry.
PRETTY SCRAPPY: Bills, Browns, Titans, Jaguars, Bears, Vikings, Cardinals
Bills- Two great outings bolstered by stellar defense the pride of Canada this year.
Browns- With losses to the AFC and NFC favorites so far it may be time to start identifying the emergency exits but don't jump yet!
Titans- You can't win a SuperBowl with Kerry Collins and good defense but you can sure cover a lot of spreads.
Jaguars- People calling them preseason favorites is a joke considering they got worse this year.
Bears- A team that drastically improved and went back to its roots of defense and running.
Vikings- Tarvaris Jackson is the biggest tragedy in Minnesota since that bridge went down... too soon?
Cardinals- Should romp to the NFC West crown, or as I like to call it, the 8th place ribbon.
NOT HORRIBLE, BUT NOT GOOD: Bucs, Chargers, Jets, Ravens, Texans, Saints
Bucs- Should be better, should be good; wont be better, wont be good.
Chargers- As usual, the Chargers softness will ultimately undermine their ridiculous talent.
Jets- "Why Football is Not a One Man Sport" by Brett Favre with an introduction by Steven Jackson
Ravens- Haven't seen them enough yet to be sure they won't live up to expectations.
Texans- The nip-slip of the NFL: fun and worth checking out, but ultimately unsatisfying.
PRETTY CRAPPY: Bengals, Raiders, Redskins, Falcons, Seahawks, 49ers
Bengals- If Carson Palmer was a baseball player we would have already convicted him as a steroid-user.
Raiders- What do you even say about a team that announces it will fire its coach after the game and still beats a division opponent on the road?
Falcons- Improving, but then again Matt Ryan running a cat-fighting ring would be a positive step.
Seahawks- Like Sarah Palin, the more I see, the more I detest them.
49ers- Maybe my fantasy crush on Frank Gore is blinding me here or maybe my fantasy crush of Frank Gore is blinding me here.
PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Dolphins, Chiefs, Lions, Rams
Dolphins- Miami is making a serious run at Seattle for worst sports city of the year.
Chiefs- I think it's weird you never hear Tony G. requesting a trade.
Lions- Annual leader in fan signs asking team to fire front office staff for a reason.
Rams- The worst teams in the NFC and AFC play in Missouri.
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