The Super (read: Mediocre) Bowl

While tonight's Super(ish) Bowl falls somewhere short of No Easy Way Out in Rocky IV in terms of inspirational, that doesn't mean it wont be a good game. Good offense versus great defense is potentially a great watch. I am not gonna break it down because A) I don't care too much B) The Cardinals are hard to predict C) There's five hours of pregame on ESPN and four more on NBC, but there are four things we can all look forward to today.

• Bruce Springsteen- While the excitement leading up to the Halftime performance always prevails over the actual act, The Boss has the potential to change all this. It was fun sending a bevy of Springsteen setlist predictions/analysis emails with friends like we were breaking down the newest LOST episode, but when Bruce takes the stage, his "12-minute party" should be the greatest non-football Super Bowl moment since Bono's American flag jacket in 2001 or Janet's nipple in 2003. For the record I'm thinking we get some mix of Born to Run, Rosalita, Glory Days, and Working on a Dream and if it were up to me it would be Rosalita, The Promised Land, Streets of Fire, and Born to Run.

• The Food- Last year and in other Patriots' Super Bowl's I am usually too nervous/focused to eat so on nights like tonight I can take some time to enjoy our spread. There's nothing better than football food and the only thing better than football food is lots of football food. Three years running I've brought out my A-game Buffalo Chicken Dip. It's the unofficial yellow line of Super Bowl food, I can't remember life before it. Also on the docket, our friend's killer Spinach-Artichoke dip, homemade potato skins, and rumors of "best chocolate chip cookies ever."

• John Madden- NBC has the game tonight which means we get Madden/Michaels doing the game. Two big things come with Madden: the obligatory Frank Caliendo Madden impressions and the memory of Madden's comical idea that the Patriots should have run out the clock and waited for overtime with 1:51 left in the 2001 Super Bowl.

• The Refreshing Lack of Girls- This is the Super Bowl and there's nothing worse than having to explain football rules, having to ask them to stop talking about whatever US Weekly has told them they must discuss at critical junctures of the game, or having to conceal burps, farts, profanity, or other football conducive man behaviors. Super Bowl is like men's Valentines Day, and the only gift we want is to be left alone to watch the game. Plus everytime you make a mistake and watch with girls, they end up winning the Super Bowl Boxes gambling game, that's karma.

• Some wildcards for the game today: Will Troy Polamalu get taken down by his hair? Will Larry Fitzgerald make more highlight reel catches? Will any Cardinal get McGahee'd by the Steelers D? Will my prop bets hold up (coin toss heads, no team will score three times in a row)? Will anyone's jersey at the party overshadow my Bud Bowl one? Will the 1 second Miller High Life commercials actually be worth it? Will any commercials break the two year void of good ads? Will people laugh at me if I show up with the 3-D glasses for Monsters vs. Aliens? How many times will I wonder if the Patriots would be in the Super Bowl if they were in the NFC?

Super Soft Media Day

At today's Super Bowl media day Chris Berman made tons of "whoop" noises, Rich Eisen tried to interview Hines Ward's knee, and Deion Sanders asked players about Deion Sanders. There was a salsa dancer, a 12-year old interviewer, and a height-off between the NFL's rumor-hoarding dwarfs Jay Glazer and Adam Schefter (Chris Mortenson confirmed this a half hour later). Basically no one learned anything and no one who wasn't participating had any fun, way to go NFL.

If you're a media member I know you cant ruffle feathers at this softball-fest, but why can't they ask good questions? For example:

To Ben Roethlisberger: If you guys win the Super Bowl again and you stink again, do you think you will still be revered with other two-time champion QB's? ...Which parts of your body don't hurt right now? ...Did you send Bernard Pollard a thank you note after week 1 or are you waiting until the season is over?

To Kurt Warner: Compliments on your wife growing her hair out; who has had more of a rejuvenated year, you or her? ...If you lose the Superbowl, does that mean God is a Steelers fan? ...Remember when you were benched for Eli Manning four years ago and now you could be consecutive QBs to win Superbowls, how crazy is that?

To Anquan Boldin: Are you jealous of Larry Fitzgerald lapping you in talent this year? ...How proud are you to be the most jacked player in the NFL? ...Have you packed up your Arizona home yet or are you waiting you officially sign somewhere else?

To Larry Fitzgerald: Do you realize how freaking high your stock is right now? ...You have singlehandedly made the Cardinals an almost respectable franchise, how proud are you? ...Do you always have the fear that Anquan Boldin could go Tonya Harding on at any moment? ...As a star receiver, how hard is it to not shoot yourself in the leg?

To Willie Parker: Can we all agree that its time for your bitterness towards UNC to end? ...Isn't the nickname "Fast" pretty lame? ...How many angry letters do you get from touchdown-less fantasy owners?

To Edgerrin James: How was your mid-season vacation and where did you go? ...Have you tried mentoring Tim Hightower this year or are you nervous of helping your competition? ...Did you grow your hair out so people wouldn't notice how gross your teeth are?

To Hines Ward: Do you demand the ball in the huddle of third downs and big plays or do you just get lucky? ...Didn't your offense used to be more interesting with Ken Whisenhunt calling plays? ...How do you mesh with a punk-ass like Santonio Holmes? ...You've already planned your Super Bowl Championship celebration world tour, haven't you?

To Mike Tomlin: Do you look so cool because you try hard or because you're black? ...Do you think Coach Whisenhunt hates seeing pictures of you and the Steelers like most people hate seeing pictures of the ex's with new flames? ...What have you actually done to make the team better since Bill Cowher left?

To Ken Whisenhunt: Seriously, how much do you hate the Steelers? ...Do you ever consider asking your players to take cheap shots on Ben and other old friends like the coach did in Mighty Ducks to Adam Banks? ...Did you tell your players to take off week 16 in Foxboro or does your team actually have the capability to suck that hard? ...If it were legal, would you take yourselves getting seven points?

To Matt Leinart: Do you cry when listening to Springsteen's Glory Days? ...Does being a bench warmer for a punchline franchise cut down on your ability to spit game on girls? ...When you play with the Cardinals in Madden, do you sub yourself in for Kurt? ...Aren't you kinda rooting for an injury so you can play Sunday? ...How quick can you funnel a beer?

Eagles or Cardinals... Put Your Wallets Away

There are three games left in an NFL season that has financially owned my ass. I've lost more money on "sure thing" games this year than I ever thought was possible. I mistakenly felt an understood for teams like the Panthers, Cowboys, Bucs, and Chargers but two of the biggest culprits were the Cardinals and the Eagles.

The Cardinals built up my confidence before crapping the bed, while the Eagles drained my faith, before, of course, playing with a fire lit under them. They even took my money last week. Clearly I am thoroughly confused by this weeks NFC Championship, in particularly the gambling line (Philly +3). This should be a time where the hours of football watching come in handy for capital gains.

You can analyze favorites for match-ups (Passing-Zona, Receiving- Zona, Rushing- Philly, Defense- Philly) but the biggest problem is trying to figure out which Cardinals and Eagles teams will show up Sunday.

On the Eagles side, are we supposed to expect the Andy Reid squad that destroyed the Cowboys, beat down the Vikings, and outplayed the top ranked Giants? The same ones who ruined Thanksgiving for the Cardinals (and for my Thanksgiving trifecta parlay)? Have the Eagles even really deserved the last two W's or did the Vikes and G-men give those games away? Or might we witness the team that tied the Bengals and lost a pair of games to the Redskins?

And its not like the Cards are any more consistent. Do we expect the recent Cards who took care of business in the first two rounds with solid defense and scorching hot offense? Or maybe their alter-egos who have been victims of against the Patriots, Jets, Vikes, and said Eagles? Have they improved by more than the four touchdowns they lost by to the Eagles a couple months ago?

There are so many forces opposing each other, I cant figure out which information should be filtered and which is relevant. The Cardinals good home record or the precedent they set on Thanksgiving? The Eagles winning six of seven or their terrible road record? The Cards inconsistencies or the Eagles shortcomings? They say in a bind, take the points and run. I may suggest taking a pass.

Brett Fraud-re

I'm past the point of wishing death to everyone in New York City and getting the blog scoped out by the Department of Homeland Security, and up to the second stage of Patriots Football Grief, wishing death just to key NY Jets personnel, particularly Brett Favre.

Here's the thing, I didn't learn anything from yesterday's debacle. We knew the Patriots were better than the Bills. We knew the Dolphins were better than the Jets and knew the Ravens were better than the god-awful Jaguars. We knew Brett Favre was ancient and unreliable, like sundials or chivalry. Plus, I think deep down inside we all knew that losing in overtime at home to the Jets would come back to bite eventually.

But that doesn't mean we don't have the right to be mad. Yesterday's performance by the Patriots in the wind was herculean, with Matt Cassel getting his Bill Paxton on, passing and punting into a twister I expected to see a cow or a trailer fly through. He and the defense took care of business the best they could. Unfortunately we had to depend on a team so horrible that by 6PM its fans were rooting against themselves

And as bad as the Jets defense was (more Swiss than cheese really), Brett Favre was epically putrid. He had a trilogy of interceptions, each worse than the one before. It was like The Mummy of quarterback performances. The first deep ball was not horrible but had me wishing I hadn't seen it. The second pass I couldn't believe anyone would make. Favre threw to a receiver he couldn't see because he was hiding behind the massive defensive lineman who ended up catching, running and scoring. The third pick was a walk off interception. We walked out before it was all over, nothing was said.

The second and third picks were Chicago Black Sox interceptions... ones that make you question allegiances and motives. Ones that give the censors of your brain the hour off and you spew hate at Brett Favre and his shoulder and his family and even his performance in There's Something About Mary. Its wishing aloud for news stories of the Jets team plane crashing, or a stampede of fans leaving the Meadowlands resulting in a massacre of turncoat Jets fans. Yesterday we spent more than an hour discussing whether kidnapping his daughter was the best way to send a message. That is the aforementioned first stage of grief.

Now I'm only wishing for news about Favre's shoulder injury being a malignant tumor that requires amputation. That is my second stage. I assume the next stage becomes an even lesser degree of rage, one where Eric Mangini's job is some sort of acceptable collateral damage. But currently I can't imagine when that day will come.

But that douzy of a third stage (and whatever lies beyond that... maybe the whole forth or fifth "There's always next year" stage) won't be hastened by all the things that remind me of Favre; its like trying to get over an old girlfriend. Whenever I hear Madden verbally felate Brett Fav-rah's warrior mentality, or he inevitable skips of the Pro-Bowl (really?!?! Favre's 22/22/81 rtg over Cassel's 21/11/89.4 or Pennington's 19/7/97.4 or Rivers' 34/11/105.5), or the months of will he/won't comeback rumors, it will be a remind of the pain.

Here's the dirty little secret in it all: Brett Favre sucks. Maybe not always, maybe not even most of last year, but those days have passed and now he just sucks. He ruined the Patriots' somehow under-dog season, he ruined the Jets for a few years to come, he ruined Mike Smith's chances at coach of the year (he's lead blocking for Sparano now) and he ruined his own name.

He has almost as many shameful records as celebrated ones, lets talk about those. 22 interceptions led the league this year, and don't pretend they weren't in crunchtime. Lets talk about his backstabbing of Green Bay and don't pretend he didn't also force the hand of the Jets front office. He ruined Cameron Diaz, Wrangler Jeans, and the number 4, for me. I'm even finding myself questioning that awesomely groomed yet somewhat unrefined facial stubble. Basically my world is shattered. I hate you Brett Favre.

NFL Playoff Run- Wizard of Oz Edition

And down the stretch they come!! Three weeks of NFL regular season left and there are a lot of contenders and really no outright favorite. Last year the Pats were Vegas (almost) mortal locks; they were something like 1:2 favorites to win the Superbowl before the playoffs started.

This year no one has separated themselves, no one seems invincible, no one doesn't have a somewhat glaring weakness. In that sense, this years playoff race is setting up like a current day, roided up version of The Wizard of Oz only without any munchkins, unless you count Bob Costas. Anyway, like Dorothy and her ragtag friends, each of this years contenders needs to find something on their journey to make that next step to reach the end. Lets review the 10 biggest contenders (according to ESPN's NFL Power Rankings) and their needs:

10) Patriots- The Patriots biggest problem has been consistency, a weird problem for a team with such solid coaching. Mostly its due to the age of their defense, injuries that make you question if there is a God, and every team's desire to avenge F-U touchdowns and Spygate leftovers. A few blowout wins, a few blowout losses (all to potential playoff teams) create no genuine identity of the team. As truly unlikely as it seems, if the Pats can gain some semblance of consistency, their skill and experience can carry them to a few vics.

9) Cardinals- The Cardinals, like Matt Leinart's sex life, can seemingly score in droves. Somehow Kurt Warner is concussion free this year and the Cards have the best wideout tandem in years. They are 7-1 on the West Coast and 1-3 in other timezones. More than anything they need an antidote to the road woes, some road identity. Likely ending up in the three seed in the NFC, the Cards could have to travel to New York or Carolina (again and again) , and be able to perform away from the desert.

8) Cowboys- Like the Lion in WoO the Cowboys are in desperate need of some heart. They may not be as cowardly as the Lion but any team with Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Jessica Simpson's boyfriend, and a pair of Roy Williams' will be lacking in the heady departments. Most recently owner Jerry Jones called out beastly running back Marion Barber and his manliness, because that ever works. The Cowboys will have a tough road ahead, mostly on the road, but their skill won't fail them. If/when the Cowboys falter, you can bet it will be a mental mistake.

7) Ravens- The Ravens may be the un-Cowboys. Heart they've got, and plenty of it, from vets slash accused murderers like Ray Lewis to the brazen rookie Joe Flacco. The Ravens need what the Cowboys have in spades, some raw skill. If their receivers are sitting coach class, their running backs are stuck in the bathroom because the food-cart is outside the door. Defense is a symptom common to Super Bowl championships but talent shines in January although the 2000 Ravens had NO Pro Bowlers on offense, so forget we had this discussion.

6) Buccaneers- Its hard to tell what the Bucs need because its hard to tell what the really do Bucs well. They have a pretty good defense, experienced and decent options at QB and RBs, and receivers that deserve lauding. A list of their strengths aren't so potently strong. They don't overwhelm you anywhere and aren't mistake-prone (Garcia only 3 INTs), they sort of just float on unsuspecting. That doesn't work in the playoffs and this team needs to show up, and create an image for themselves. Do they want to be the decent at everything, outstanding at nothing team that plays one playoff game? Time for Chucky to put his team infront of a mirror and find some answers.

5) Colts- I have been correctly called out for a gambling crush on the 2008 Colts, one that hasn't yielded many happy finishes. Let's be clear, having won six in a row or not, the 08 Colts aren't the Colts we are used to. They don't make big plays, they are run first, and don't blow out teams. Sure they can still score, but mostly our old nemeses (really who ever liked the Colts) are getting older. Marvin Harrison scares no one, Reggie Wayne lost a step, Dallas Clark's concussions have finally taken their toll, and the walking commercial reel is not the steady-handed surgeon we used to fear. The Colts need a breath of fresh air to rejuvenate some of these familiar vets.

4) Panthers- Anyone who watched the Panthers evisceration of the Bucs last night on MNF saw something scary. Running for 300 yards and four TDs against a team who had allowed one rushing TD all year speaks for itself. Their defense, like the two-headed running game, went from sneaky-good to flat-out-good before our eyes last night. One glaring hole for the Panthers is perhaps their most visible player, Jake Delhomme. He stinks worse than Sex Panther (26th in passer rating, 17th in yards passing, 25th in comp%) and their running game can only hide him for so long. Its too late to get a QB, but they need one nonetheless.

3) Steelers- The Steelers have courage, skill, experience, defense, offense, and the list goes on. They beat bad teams, they beat good teams. Overall this may be the most well rounded team, but are still a team with one legitimate problem. Big Ben, Willie Parker, Heath Miller, LaMarr Woodley have all missed games due to injuries. They need to get healthy but future slugfests with the Ravens and Titans won't help things. The Steelers grind out wins so there is no let up on the horizon.

2) Giants- What a couple weeks for the Giants? From knocking off the Steelers and convincing everyone that the Superbowl went through the Meadowlands, to a stray bullet in Plaxico's pants (not this kind, the dangerous kind), and a ghastly loss to the Eagles, and now the Giants are a little dependent on their rear-view mirrors. The G-Men could use a bit of humility, in my humblest opinion of course. Remember them this time last year, severe underdogs, and really a fluke catch away from being that way this year too. Eli is improved but still vulnerable and a loose cannon, and now has lost his only scary receiver. The Giants should go back to their roots and understand that no one coasts to Lombardi trophy.

1) Titans- The Titans are crazy talented and backed by a core of guys named Chris Johnson, Lendale White, Bo Scaife, Cortland Finnigan, Chris Hope, and a dude who stomped on someone's head with cleats. This is a team full of indians and Kerry Collins doesn't seem like the chief that takes this kind of defensive, running team to the promised land. The Titans need leadership on the field that can prevent no-show losses to the Jets, and then the undisciplined outbursts that follow losses. Week 16 and 17 match ups with the Steelers and Colts might be the exact challenge that will draw find a leader from amongst the common men.

Fearless-er Predictions After Week 7

So the last time I tried this, there were some bulls eyes and some train wrecks, leaving me to believe I was meant to do this again in week seven. Today I bring you the updated, accurate, clairvoyant, and likely to be revised in a few more weeks, team breakdowns. Lets start at the top:

MAIN COURSES: Cowboys, Giants, Steelers, Bills, Titans

Cowboys- Maybe Jerry Jones and I are alone in this, but these guys have too much talent not to be relevant in January.

Giants- They don't seem scary, but they kinda are; Eli doesn't seem good, but he kinda is.

Steelers- Surviving injuries and barely escaping games early and with their next four games being tough, they could find themselves a couple catergories lower next go-around.

Bills- Poor man's Titans (see Titans below) in an ACL-ripped division.

Titans- The best running game and the best defense in the league makes you forget the fossil standing under center.

THE SCRAPPY: Eagles, Packers, Jaguars, Bears, Cardinals, Bucs, Panthers

Eagles- They alternate showing up and not showing up, but had a bye week to straighten it out.

Packers- Can't count out a team in Lambau with a studly, bruising defense, just like you can't count out a petty former Packers quarterback dominating the headlines.

Jaguars- Really not deserving of faith, but they'll cakewalk through five of the next six weeks.

Bears- Another team with a "good enough" QB, a strong defense, and a crappy division.

Cardinals- Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league, and the only one who doesn't whine.

Bucs- Their defense is so manly, it makes up for their quarterback's not-so-manliness (just kidding he's got a much much hotter wife than anyone in the NFL, Tom Brady included).

Panthers- Maybe the most well rounded team in the claustrophobic NFC South.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE: Colts, Broncos, Patriots, Chargers, Ravens, Saints, Redskins, Falcons

Colts- I can't figure out if the Colts will make the playoffs, but you don't your team to play them there.

Broncos- Not a resume I would want to bring to a job interview.

Patriots- Don't be down about the Rodney Harrison injury; he was about as an effective safety option as Bristol Palin's birth control.

Chargers- Someone needs to tell them that this isn't study hall, they MUST show up every week.

Ravens- Impressive rebound from last year but they can't beat good teams.

Saints- A true enigma week in and out, they win and lose in baffling fashion.

Redskins- Most people don't value them this low, but most people don't have to trough through their games every week on TV.

Falcons- Ryan, Turner, Smith and other the other generic last name new editions are righting the Vick-Ship.

THE SCRAP HEAPS: Browns, Vikings, Jets, Texans, Seahawks, Dolphins

Browns- Like everyone else, they should just blame it on the economic crisis.

Vikings- Too many players on the team who aren't Adrian Peterson.

Jets- When you put an ugly girl in a pretty dress it doesn't change her from being an ugly girl.

Texans- Its my opinion that Gary Kubiak should be the next coach to go; Texans have too much talent to support the way they play.

Seahawks- Superbowl runners-up two years ago, a playoff win last year, and now one win in seven weeks; this team is needs a Red Bull or something.

Dolphins- That wildcat formation is too gimmicky to take seriously, yet keeps them above the stink.

PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Bengals, Raiders, 49ers, Chiefs, Lions, Rams

Bengals- A joke I heard- "The Bengals are like possums, they play dead at home and get killed on the road."

Raiders- Al Davis goes through head coaches like fantasy football owners go through kickers.

49ers- Another year where I wish the Patriots owned the rights to the 49ers lottery pick.

Chiefs- LJ spits in a woman's face, Tony Gonzalez DOES ask to be traded; nothing goes right in KC.

Rams- Just assuming Jim Haslett's 2-0 record is a modern day example of beginners' luck.

Lions- Since the Dolphins couldn't go 0-16 last year, these Lions could be the chosen ones.

The Red Zone Channel

There are good days in the week and bad days, and then there are Sundays, most often the best days. Autumn Sundays are so good because they overcome things like hangovers and looming workdays to become the best days of the week. Today was no exception.

First there was that hangover, thanks to the Miller Lite pitchers duel between Davo and me during the lack of pitchers duel between Scott Kazmir and Josh Beckett.

Like Kazmir, and Beckett, we got bombed, but unlike them, we weren't removed in the fifth inning. Anyway, I pulled myself together enough to head out and watch the NFL games, but this Sunday would be like no other Sundays.

For this Sunday was my first experience with The Red Zone Channel (sound fx: Hallelujah Choir). Perhaps some of you have had the pleasure of RZC before, and maybe others of you are as unfamiliar with RZC as Jason Varitek is with playoff RBI's. Basically its an add-on premium to the DirecTV NFL package; a channel that brings you to whichever game is in the most interesting situation, and then flips when another game becomes relevant. No commercials, so we are spared 31 Frank TV ads and 24 renditions of Bon Jovi's I Love This Town, worth the price of admission alone (but then again you also wouldn't get to see this unbelievable David Fincher Nike Ad that was all over the place Sunday).

There's all sorts of other fun that comes with RZC. If two games are equally close to scoring you get splitscreen red-zone coverage. If four games are equally close, RZC gets Jack Bauer on you

and lights you up on four screens. Also if someone scores from outside of the red zone while you're tuned to a different game, they drop a "Packers/Seahawks Update Coming" graphic on screen, which opens the door to a guessing game of what could be coming. In that case, Charlie Frye pick-six is the safe bet, but the suspense is as much fun as the reveal.

Meanwhile as DirecTV flips you to a new game, you usually even score a sarcastic comment from RZC host Andrew Siciliano, usually a dig at Dan Orlovsky or whoever is trying to defend Andre Johnson (especially at 2:03 in the video). RZC is even a parlay-ers best friend (besides JT O'Sullivan in the fourth quarter, of course) as it flips you across the NFL nation without having to move a thumb.

We were lucky enough yesterday to have a two TV set up, which I would consider ideal. RedZone on the main screen with the best match-up on the deuce. Pair that with a couple PapaJohns pizzas, a leather couch, a room full of sports memorabilia, and five games decided on the last play and Sunday felt more like the weekend and less like the weekends end.

Fearless Predictions After Week 2

I feel similarly about the predicting things relating to the NFL as I do going to strip clubs. I like to get in there and get my bearings before making any rash decisions. At a strip club, you want to get comfortable with your surroundings, try to find the best location, take a gander at the personnel; basically do a little research before committing to anything. Picking NFL games is pretty much the same thing. Just like you don't walk in and start throwing around bills like they're nothing, you don't jump in and start making rash predictions like the Bills will be nothing.

Last year after watching a full slate of week 1 games, I thought I had figured everything out. I assumed I would be making the bookies my bitches and impressing my friends with clairvoyance. I probably don't need to explain to you that my plan didn't exactly work out. This year I have taken in two weeks of games and still don't have it all figured out, but I'm on the scent. Right now the NFL is the polar bear in the jungle of LOST and I am scouring the trail like Locke, picking up on all sorts of clipped branches, spots of blood, and footprints. I will find that polar bear, but for now, here's what I have:

THE CONTENDERS: Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, Panthers, Giants, Steelers, Colts, Broncos, Patriots.

Cowboys- With Brady put down, demonstrative favorites and most fun team to watch thanks to HBO's Hard Knocks.

Eagles- Sure they destroyed a bad team but they are back to their old selves.

Packers- Too many parallels between Aaron Rodgers and Obe Won to doubt them

Panthers- Like ShamWow, I don't really get how this works, but you can't argue with results, and they've cleaned up two big stains.

Giants- It's cute that one New York team doesn't lose.

Steelers- Best looking team in the AFC so far which is like saying the cutest girl at fat camp.

Colts- Peyton Manning Beta may be a downgrade from the original, but its not Jason Patric in Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Broncos- They've got talent, luck, and a good schedule on their side.

Patriots- Possibly the child sitting at the Contenders' grown-up table right now but they are still hungry.

PRETTY SCRAPPY: Bills, Browns, Titans, Jaguars, Bears, Vikings, Cardinals

Bills- Two great outings bolstered by stellar defense the pride of Canada this year.

Browns- With losses to the AFC and NFC favorites so far it may be time to start identifying the emergency exits but don't jump yet!

Titans- You can't win a SuperBowl with Kerry Collins and good defense but you can sure cover a lot of spreads.

Jaguars- People calling them preseason favorites is a joke considering they got worse this year.

Bears- A team that drastically improved and went back to its roots of defense and running.

Vikings- Tarvaris Jackson is the biggest tragedy in Minnesota since that bridge went down... too soon?

Cardinals- Should romp to the NFC West crown, or as I like to call it, the 8th place ribbon.

NOT HORRIBLE, BUT NOT GOOD: Bucs, Chargers, Jets, Ravens, Texans, Saints

Bucs- Should be better, should be good; wont be better, wont be good.

Chargers- As usual, the Chargers softness will ultimately undermine their ridiculous talent.

Jets- "Why Football is Not a One Man Sport" by Brett Favre with an introduction by Steven Jackson

Ravens- Haven't seen them enough yet to be sure they won't live up to expectations.

Texans- The nip-slip of the NFL: fun and worth checking out, but ultimately unsatisfying.

PRETTY CRAPPY: Bengals, Raiders, Redskins, Falcons, Seahawks, 49ers

Bengals- If Carson Palmer was a baseball player we would have already convicted him as a steroid-user.

Raiders- What do you even say about a team that announces it will fire its coach after the game and still beats a division opponent on the road?

Falcons- Improving, but then again Matt Ryan running a cat-fighting ring would be a positive step.

Seahawks- Like Sarah Palin, the more I see, the more I detest them.

49ers- Maybe my fantasy crush on Frank Gore is blinding me here or maybe my fantasy crush of Frank Gore is blinding me here.

PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Dolphins, Chiefs, Lions, Rams

Dolphins- Miami is making a serious run at Seattle for worst sports city of the year.

Chiefs- I think it's weird you never hear Tony G. requesting a trade.

Lions- Annual leader in fan signs asking team to fire front office staff for a reason.

Rams- The worst teams in the NFC and AFC play in Missouri.