The DUI Rule

Keith Olbermann is known for his "Worst Person in the World" segments and Bill Maher is known for his "New Rules" segments, and I will now steal both. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research (just kidding, I stole that too. Big ups to Wilson Minzer on that one).

Anyway, this week there was a legitimate worst person, our old friend Jim Leyritz. If you don't know Jim Leyritz here is his wikipedia page, and basically he's a retired baseball player who played mostly for the Yankees, but also the Red Sox and many others. What is relevant for today's lesson is that allegedly last December, he ran a red light and struck and killed a woman in Florida. The woman was a young mother.

Almost 11 months later and Leyritz still hasn't been tried but was in court this week and delivered this stinkbomb: he petitioned a judge to removed a bothersome (his word,not mine) breathalyzer that has been installed in his car. His lawyer said in a statement in a court of law "He cannot leave the car with a valet, because it cannot be started by the valet. " Another problem apparently that Leyritz "can't eat things like chicken Marsala" because the wine content can set off the breathalyzer. You can read the report here if you need more.

Wow. (Take a minute and let that sink in) It's too easy to skewer him, there is just too much material. You could question why he's allowed a car at all, or what they serve to prison inmates who commit vehicular homicide, or whether the victim's family uses valet.

I think the problem is bigger than the ass-hattery of Jim Leyritz. It's about the all too frequent nature of pro athletes (and celebrities, and really everyone) acquiring DUI's like they are parking tickets. Even in cases when no one gets hurt, I dont think the meager fines, occasional suspensions, and the usual bad-mouthing is even close to enough penalty to dissuade others from making the same mistakes.

Here's where the new DUI rule comes into play. Anyone who gets a DUI is banned from the following events: All Star Weekend (applicable to NBA, MLB, NHL, for the NFL we can call it Superbowl Weekend), any league award (applicable to all sports) and the US Olympic Team (applicable to NBA, NHL). No way no how should DUI-ers represent our country, and who would argue against this? Also watch them squirm when they are not allowed at the All-Star parties and events that even Flava-Flav gets into. Furthermore they lose other pro-athlete perks such as no more comp'ed seats for family members and friends, their names in video games, and softball questions from the media. And definitely no valet service and chicken marsala.

One strike is all athletes should get, They have too much money NOT to have a chauffeur, a limo, a chauffeur with a limo, or taxi service to drive over state lines. To me its more about the excessive money at their disposal than that whole role model thing. Kids who are old enough to understand DUI's are old enough to realize that athletes aren't role models for the most part.

In order to buck this problem we need to start hitting offenders where it hurts. These fines are like shooting buffalos with BB guns, and suspensions are just mini-vacations for most of these guys. No more warning shots across the bow, its time to strike at their egos, their taken for granted benefits, and their reputations.

The Double Standard

So here's the scene: I am at a bar Saturday night in DC, talking to a pretty girl, which means full-on use of negs, DHV's and other tidbits I've learned from The Pick-up Artist. From the corner of my eye, I can see on the bar TV that BC is beating down FSU and realize I need to check the Oklahoma State score. I pull out my phone, check the score, and look up just in time to see said chick rolling her eyes at my frustration that they aren't covering. Now I realize its a little lame to be at a bar, talking to a girl, and wondering if Oklahoma State is going to beat Colorado by 16.5, but I get that "oh-you're-betting-on-sports" eye roll all the time, and I'm starting to get a little sick of it.

There is a huge double standard in this country between wagering on sports and wagering on the economy, or as you may have heard the newspeople call it, playing the stock market. But in the end stocks and Wall Street, are all just fancy-speak for gambling. Now I'm not a business school graduate but I understand the basics of the biz. The cornerstone idea being that when you buy stock in a company, you are gambling that your share or stake in them will do well. You are risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others.

Now please tell me what is so different between that and gambling on a team to win a game? In the former situation, you are risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others (taken from above) and in the betting on sports you are also risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others. So why is gambling so looked down upon, especially these days when the stock market has pregnant woman's mood kind of volatility?

Like gambling on companies, gambling on teams requires research (at least if you like money). Besides luck, success is dependent on knowledge of the subject and understanding management concepts. There are however, many more outlets for helping one select stocks efficiently, than a pro or college team. CNBC, Bloomberg, Fox Business are all channels devoted to reporting earnings and offer stock suggestions while ESPN and others deliver results on what has happened but lacks offering insight for prognosticating future results.

There are too many parallels between the two wagering opportunities for there to be the kind of looking-down-one's-nose that exists with sports gambling (and its not just that girl, its also my co-workers' comments when they see me wagering online, and my dad's reaction when I root for the Colts to score one more TD to cover against the Texans, and the general demeanor of iPhone carriers when I ask them to check the score of the Notre Dame/Navy game). How come bookies are seedy while stock brokers are professional. Gambler's anonymous exists but I cant find anything about stock market dependencies.

Both have their share of cheaters too. The Chicago Black Sox are the historic example of the current day Enrons, Martha Stewarts, and Mark Cubans. Entire sections of newspapers are devoted to the results of both sports and businesses but apparently putting your money on one is much more civilized than putting it on the other. Diversifying one's assets is fodder suitable for a wine-tasting and talking about a three-team parlay is banter served with a PBR.

One problem is that sports gambling doesn't have the fancy euphemisms that investing does. First example is the word investing... it sounds nice and reputable, unlike gambling. Sports gambling needs a term like "portfolio" for explaining the cache of teams one has wagers on. Sports gambling also needs words like "firms" or "commodity" instead of terms like "propositions" and "lines" (those are drug dealer terms!).

I also think an answer lies in the government's involvement in each. Gambling on sports is illegal in the US, outside of Las Vegas, while you will find no across the board restrictions on investing. The problem is that the government reaps ridonculous yields from the country's investments (sans that whole bailout thing nowadays). The government is fueled by a good economy and heavy demand for stocks because it means that its companies are performing well. The value of companies and the value of the work they do, drives up the dollar value and our government's worth. Then, if you should "win" money from your investments, don't think you get the entire sum without seeing part of it chopped off for taxes. Feelings of Captain Hadley in Shawshank Redemption (any excuse to quote Shawshank) when he said "Uncle Sam. Reaching into your shirt and squeezing your tit til it's purple." I'm not saying that the government should get in bed with gambling and then tax winnings but if it led to legalizing sports gambling, it might be worth a try. It's not like its any less noble of a business than the lottery.

I just want to get sports gambling on a more even playing field. I feel like I have to hide my joy at big payday weekends or consider lying to others about why I am excited to hear that Syracuse lost again. There is not the same outlet to celebrate a five-team parlay as there is when someone discovers a blue-chip commodity and there is definitely not the same sympathy for losing a big bet as there is for those who struck out on Wall Street (do you see any sympathy here?). I want to shout "I love sports gambling" from the top of a mountain. Maybe President-elect Obama can take this on after he fixes the BCS.

Bond: You Only Live Twice

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

You Only Live Twice (1967) watched 11/10/08

PREMISE:
Just when you thought you knew of 007's Earthly limitations, he shows up for You Only Live Twice and brings down a rouge space satellite, which threatens the peace between the US and USSR. That's right, Bond in space!! YOLT is a stellar installment where Bond goes places literally and figuratively we haven't seen in the first four episodes. On the literal side Bond spends most of the film in Japan tracking down the latest apocalyptic peril, and on a less literal level he deals with his own death and a few trust issues.

Taking down a satellite AND a SPECTRE-backed plot isn't an easy task for any one man, so Bond's plans are complex and involve many aspects. The first problem is Bond's early death... or so we think! (This would be a spoiler only to those dumb enough to think Bond could die nine minutes into the movie... hint there are about 17 Bond films to follow) The faked death would make Jack Bauer proud the scene where Bond is brought back is one of the coolest so far in Fleming's series.

After the revelation that 007 is still alive, Bond goes through a series of smaller battles including him infiltrating a heavily guarded industrial factory, destroying four helicopters in his solo-copter, landing a rigged-to-crash plane at the last second, and undergoing a Japanese makeover. The makeover included some sort of eye manipulation and a stereotypical black wig, and for those scoring at home, it is the second most un-politically correct piece of the movie trailing Bond's question to his Asian lover: "Why do Chinese girls taste different than other girls?" That seems out of bounds for even Mad Men dialogue.

And Bond gets more help than ever before, this time from a squad of Japanese ninjas, most of whom are sacrificed in a evil-lair storming scene eerily reminiscent of Normandy Beach. Once inside the base we get some of the Austin Powers fodder including piranha's trained to kill (post-kill line: "Bon appetite"), a self-destruct command, and a comic reveal of the SPECTRE leader. Yadda yadda yadda Bond foils the plot and for the second time in five films, we hit the credits with 007 getting cozy in a raft with his latest swing.

THE BOND GIRL:
YOLT puts a lot less impact on one Bond girl, but if there is one woman who takes the lead role it is Mie Hama (somewhere Asian Nomar just got a boner) who plays Kissy Suzuki. In a role reversal from the last few installments, Kissy is an aide of Bond's, as the head of Japanese secret-service. Besides being deployed into the field where she is handy with the steel (to earn her keep), she plays a role in a fake marriage to Bond during his Asian "transformation."

Like Bond, Kissy seems to have no fears and willing to sacrifice all for the chance to make things right. She is central to the sabotage of SPECTRE's lair and the foiling of the evil plot, plus I already explained where she ends up when all is said and done. However we really never learn much about Kissy including her background or much about her personality. Except for her good looks she is almost as bland as the hundreds of extra ninjas. Hama, is a Japanese actress who brings a new flavor to Bond girls, and I give her a very bland double-o-5 out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

This is basically the end of the Sean Connery era and its sad to see him go, especially of Roger Moore sucks as bad as I hear. Connery brought unbelievable personality to the Bond character, including an awesome accent, unbelievable chauvinism, and a plume of chest hair. Besidesthe apex of Connery-isms YOLT is much more of a snapshot of the times than the other films. We are treated to a 1960's display xenophobia and Cold War fears that were rampant in the time of release.

Bond: Thunderball

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

Thunderball (1965) watched 11/5/08

THE PREMISE:
Bond is back and this time SPECTRE has a new plan to foil the efforts of 007, with two stolen NATO atomic bombs. Bond's duty, which he quickly chooses to accept, is to retrieve the bombs and save NATO 100 million pounds in ransom money. In preparation for an amphibious journey, Bond just so happens to run into a SPECTRE henchman and officially has a lead for his mission, onto Nassau!

This is not a vacation, Bond is reminded by M that this is no vacation, and we quickly get the point as Bond survives a couple quick assassination attempts and meets a sinister fellow (obviously decked out in eyepatch) upon his arrival. Bond is also equipped with a Geiger counter, underwater camera, and a very hipster red leather-looking scuba suit. With his either really cool or really flamboyant gear set, Bond meets Domino (see Bond Girl), the estranged brother of henchman #1. Domino leads to Largo, arch-enemy #1 in Thunderball who relishes and matches Bond's wit and brashness, in many psychological pissing contests.

One thing leads to another and we end up with finding Bond in situations like the bugging his hotel room with the tape recorder in the hollowed book trick, the having sex in a steam room trick, and fighting way too many bad guys in an underwater spear-fight trick. Much of the film's violence actually occurs underwater in scuba suits with spears (post-kill line "I think he got the point"), a first for the Bond series, and its visual effects were Oscar-rewarded. Hardware notwithstanding, Thunderball was a bit of a drag, especially after Goldfinger. The underwater scenes, while revolutionary, seemed endless and it was often hard to tell which body was Bond's. The parade chase scene could also have used a good edit or seven.

Bond is still Bond though, and you cant argue with that. He tallies three more notches on his bedpost and another steamingly hot Bond Girl in Domino. His knack for the gadgets and willingness to punch cross-dressing funeral goers (ridiculous scene alert!) is admirable and cinematic poetry.


THE BOND GIRL:
The aforementioned Domino is another thoroughbred in the long line of Bond heroins. Domino in this case is a fickle beast; the brother of a spurned SPECTRE member, and the mistress of another, she is in a 1960's version of a Shakespeare tragedy. James Bond enters stage left and pursues the layered Domino to a point where she is saved on a number of levels and left in the safe arms of 007.
Domino is played by the desirable Claudine Auger. Visually tempting and ethically suspicious, it is clear why both Bond and the viewer are drawn to her and she is a trophy-case exploit for Bond, winning her over and additionally turning her against her lover. I will give her a double-0-8 out of 10.


WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:
Following Goldfinger is like following Lisa Lampanelli at a Comedy Central roast (NSFW), and Thuderball's biggest detraction is just that. It's not particularly memorable but not particularly bad, its just there, as Bond film #4. The special effects are its most notable triumph, and for someone watching in 2008, that novelty falls by the wayside. What's left is Sean Connery continuing to be the man; whether it's in a jet-pack evading a murder, or just diffusing a bombshell with just his accent and charm, Connery's Bond is reason enough to stay tuned.

Un-Patriotic Talk

If you've followed the election (read: news) at all, its not news that many of Barack Obama's critics have called him unpatriotic. Recently, I have felt like Barack Obama. Not because I'm a big deal or that I'm black, but more that I too, have been called unpatriotic. Unlike Barry O, I've been slandered more by my friends, who think my lack of faith in the New England Patriots is sacrilege and heresy. I don't get flack for not wearing Patriots logos on my lapels but I do lose points for my declared lack of faith in my nation.

It all started when my friends and I began a NFL confidence pick 'em pool. Last year we all had the Patriots maxed out almost every week, that was a given for a 16-0 team. However this year, there was the incident-that-shall-not-be-spoken-of in week one and with a Brady-less team, I think the Patriots are Lindsay Lohan types of exposed (in the NSFW link kinda way).

Yadda, yadda, yadda, now the Patriots have drifted up and down my confidence board and in a couple weeks have even no-showed. Against the Chargers and Colts in weeks six and nine, I predicted (correctly) that the Patriots would lose. Everyone accepts that Matt Cassel is the 2008 recession-era version of Tom Brady, but I would go even farther. I posit our defensive backs are inexperienced and soft without Rodney Harrison, our linebackers old and stale, and offensive studs cannot be taken advantage of without Brady. This year's Moss and Welker are like toys on Christmas that don't come with AA batteries; they exist, but not to their fullest.

All season I've watched the Patriots squeak by cellar dwellers like the Chiefs and Rams. Even in wins against the Jets and the Broncos (41-7 on MNF!!!) I have been underwhelmed. Probably I am jaded by the ghost of Patriots' past and the other Boston sport successes, but I feel like I am the only who can see through the homer filter and understand that the only thing keeping these Pats above .500 is a horrendously weak schedule (even I can agree 9+ wins and the playoffs are a possibility).

But last night something changed. The Patriots showed up against the Colts, and for the first time all year, really impressed me. Final score notwithstanding, the Patriots hung with a fully rostered, albeit rusty Colts team. They handled Peyton, Wayne, and Addai more than I ever expected them too and even moved the ball on offense with a second-string QB and a third-string RB. The offensive line shined, Kevin Faulk drank from the fountain of youth, and Cassel wasn't a potential mole. All night I sat there with my re-found pride of the Patriots, like Michelle Obama with the US.

Then something else changed. Bill Belichick took the Patriots out of a game. I know there was a dropped touchdown and a drive-ending penalty, but to me General Hoodie kept the Pats out of the win column. First it was challenging a non-penalty that would net us five lame yards (unsuccessfully). And then it was a premature two point conversion. And then a second guessing timeout, which was our last one, early in the fourth. And then, and then, and then.

Coach didn't let up first downs, didn't drop six points, and didn't take a shot at a Colt after a play. But when we had a 4th and 15 with four minutes left, we had to go for it because stopping the clock wasn't an option. When we needed timeouts to mount a final drive, we didn't have them. And for the first time, our coach wasn't the best general on the field. It's two jarring changes in confidence but I think there's a better chance that the Pats keep impressing me than that Belichick keeps depressing me from here out.