Fearless Predictions After Week 2

I feel similarly about the predicting things relating to the NFL as I do going to strip clubs. I like to get in there and get my bearings before making any rash decisions. At a strip club, you want to get comfortable with your surroundings, try to find the best location, take a gander at the personnel; basically do a little research before committing to anything. Picking NFL games is pretty much the same thing. Just like you don't walk in and start throwing around bills like they're nothing, you don't jump in and start making rash predictions like the Bills will be nothing.

Last year after watching a full slate of week 1 games, I thought I had figured everything out. I assumed I would be making the bookies my bitches and impressing my friends with clairvoyance. I probably don't need to explain to you that my plan didn't exactly work out. This year I have taken in two weeks of games and still don't have it all figured out, but I'm on the scent. Right now the NFL is the polar bear in the jungle of LOST and I am scouring the trail like Locke, picking up on all sorts of clipped branches, spots of blood, and footprints. I will find that polar bear, but for now, here's what I have:

THE CONTENDERS: Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, Panthers, Giants, Steelers, Colts, Broncos, Patriots.

Cowboys- With Brady put down, demonstrative favorites and most fun team to watch thanks to HBO's Hard Knocks.

Eagles- Sure they destroyed a bad team but they are back to their old selves.

Packers- Too many parallels between Aaron Rodgers and Obe Won to doubt them

Panthers- Like ShamWow, I don't really get how this works, but you can't argue with results, and they've cleaned up two big stains.

Giants- It's cute that one New York team doesn't lose.

Steelers- Best looking team in the AFC so far which is like saying the cutest girl at fat camp.

Colts- Peyton Manning Beta may be a downgrade from the original, but its not Jason Patric in Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Broncos- They've got talent, luck, and a good schedule on their side.

Patriots- Possibly the child sitting at the Contenders' grown-up table right now but they are still hungry.

PRETTY SCRAPPY: Bills, Browns, Titans, Jaguars, Bears, Vikings, Cardinals

Bills- Two great outings bolstered by stellar defense the pride of Canada this year.

Browns- With losses to the AFC and NFC favorites so far it may be time to start identifying the emergency exits but don't jump yet!

Titans- You can't win a SuperBowl with Kerry Collins and good defense but you can sure cover a lot of spreads.

Jaguars- People calling them preseason favorites is a joke considering they got worse this year.

Bears- A team that drastically improved and went back to its roots of defense and running.

Vikings- Tarvaris Jackson is the biggest tragedy in Minnesota since that bridge went down... too soon?

Cardinals- Should romp to the NFC West crown, or as I like to call it, the 8th place ribbon.

NOT HORRIBLE, BUT NOT GOOD: Bucs, Chargers, Jets, Ravens, Texans, Saints

Bucs- Should be better, should be good; wont be better, wont be good.

Chargers- As usual, the Chargers softness will ultimately undermine their ridiculous talent.

Jets- "Why Football is Not a One Man Sport" by Brett Favre with an introduction by Steven Jackson

Ravens- Haven't seen them enough yet to be sure they won't live up to expectations.

Texans- The nip-slip of the NFL: fun and worth checking out, but ultimately unsatisfying.

PRETTY CRAPPY: Bengals, Raiders, Redskins, Falcons, Seahawks, 49ers

Bengals- If Carson Palmer was a baseball player we would have already convicted him as a steroid-user.

Raiders- What do you even say about a team that announces it will fire its coach after the game and still beats a division opponent on the road?

Falcons- Improving, but then again Matt Ryan running a cat-fighting ring would be a positive step.

Seahawks- Like Sarah Palin, the more I see, the more I detest them.

49ers- Maybe my fantasy crush on Frank Gore is blinding me here or maybe my fantasy crush of Frank Gore is blinding me here.

PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Dolphins, Chiefs, Lions, Rams

Dolphins- Miami is making a serious run at Seattle for worst sports city of the year.

Chiefs- I think it's weird you never hear Tony G. requesting a trade.

Lions- Annual leader in fan signs asking team to fire front office staff for a reason.

Rams- The worst teams in the NFC and AFC play in Missouri.

The Post-Brady Era (PBE)

So that sucked...

Bernard Pollard took me back to a place I hadn't been in a while; a place I had only been with Aaron Boone and David Tyree in recent memory. Sports heart break. Where changing from 'invincible' to 'invisible' can happen in one moment. Where concern shifts from "How many TDs will Randy Moss get for my fantasy team this week?" to "Are the Patriots finished this season?"

Stories about Brady's injury ran on every channel today from ESPN to Fox News. There was no escaping the punchline of jokes about karma (he had been off of the pregame injury report for the first time in the last 57 games...) and no escaping the awful tabloid headlines like "Breaking Knees."

Boston has always been a hotspot for sports pessimism and from what I've read New England is thoroughly and understandably depressed (I am encouraged however that my dad, a psychologist, probably has lots of opportunity for business as a grief counselor for the next few weeks). But let's try to take the next few minutes and be optimistic.

Maybe this is the chance the Patriots need to restore their image. It's no doubt that the Patriots have replaced the Cowboys as the most hated team in football. We've been almost invincible (there's that word again) for the last few years. We've cheated and been caught. We've blamed losses on flukes. We've turned a thug into the most electric receiver in football. We're the dicks who show up to the party, drink all the good beer, take the girls and leave without saying goodbye.

Now that we've lost the NFL's darling player, we have a chance to become the NFL's darling team. Imagine the Patriots, sans league MVP, making a run for the Lombardi trophy; it's not likely but that's what makes it a cinderella story. And while its easy to see Tom's ripped achilles in the empty glass, you can also see all of the potential in Welker, Moss, Seymour, and Belichick, if you dare look into the full glass. This team may have one anchor, but the boat won't drift away without him.

And if the Patriots can piece together enough wins for the playoffs (thank god for our easy schedule!) just think about the stories that await. The adoration for a team just muddling though, a team going back to its blue-collar roots, will be unequivocal. Football Beatle-mania! Like Andy Dufresne wrote, "And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little farther." Add that media adoration with a genius mind on the sideline, and a team with AARP-like experience, and the motivation of a bunch of guys who've been counted out, and who knows what might happen. We could shatter the glass ceiling.

Or we can get stuck on the ground floor. No one knows how it's gonna go (and if they do, please tell me so I can gamble accordingly) but what we do know is that Brady will be spending time at home, watching most games with Gisele resting on his right knee. Nothing will change that... unless he wants someone even hotter, but that's not helping the Patriots. What might help, is a fan-base not quitting, like all the pundits have. It might not matter either, but there's no sense in quitting.

Top 10 Things of the Second Half of Summer (Mid July-Sept)

Labor day is winding down which means beer hangovers mixed with summer hangovers. An optimist would point out that we can appreciate the weather for a few more weeks, but a pessimist would counter with the idea that true summer mentality exists from Memorial to Labor Day, and everything else is just poseur-ism. I subscribe to the latter camp and without further ado, will reflect on the Top 10 Things from the second half of Summer 2008 (in no particular order).


Dustin Pedroia- In the dog days of summer, the Red Sox won a bunch, lost a bunch, and kept afloat in the AL playoff push. It seems the like Sox have gone through everything, Manny maybe leaving, Manny maybe staying, Manny actually leaving, injuries to everyone. Basically the only rock has been last year's rook: Dustin Pedroia. In the last month he's the number one fantasy player, and has 6 homers, 20 RBIs, and 5 SBs while batting .376 (1.081 OPS for the baseball nerds!!!). Last week he helmed the team during a 2 outta 3 series against the White Sox when he was the only opening day starting infielder not injured; all he did was go 9 for 12 in the series. Pedroia is the levee during the Sox tumultuous hurricane-season summer.


Mad Men- Word of mouth to the rescue again! The buzz in my office for AMC's Mad Men was strong I subsequently dove into the kool-aid pitcher head first (double metaphor bonus!) by DVR-ing a marathon and plowing through it in a week. Maybe you've seen the commercialss for it, touting it as the Emmy whore, and it hasn't impressed you much, that's understandable. It seems a lot like a bunch of 1950's businessmen sharing a smoke talking business, but it would be naive to quit on it after a boring ad. Here's what Mad Men is: It's The Wire set in mid 20th century Madison Avenue. Like The Wire it is more of a miniseries driven by strong character developments rather than plotlines. Characters aren't clearly good or bad, but ARE always scheming in extramarital affairs, enjoying midday drinks, and dropping hilariously chauvinistic lines from an era when men told women what was up.


Hilton Head Golf- Picture this: an entire island full of golf courses, and not just muni's but nice, well-groomed, fairly inexpensive courses. Such a place actually exists and not too far away. We're talking about Hilton Head Island, the site of Bard Family Summer Vacation 2008. Also coincidentally the site of Josh Bard Golf renascence 2008. The island is so full of great courses that most are offered for half-price as last minute tee-times, its like they're giving it away. 3 beautiful courses, 3 beautiful scores (94, 92, 91) in one week. The 2008 golf revival even carried on with a few more rounds in the same range. I am ready to pitch a show for Golf Channel called I Love the 90's.


Chicago- Rewind


Fantasy Football Drafts- Some things, like New Years' Eve and the Belmont Stakes, are guaranteed wah wahhhs. Fantasy football drafts, on the other hand, like episodes of How I Met Your Mother, are consistently living up to the hype, no matter the build-up you give it.

Fantasy football drafts are the cornerstone of enjoyable things: catching up with friends (read: making fun of your friends), crossing things off lists, and pretending that you know more than you do. There are always a couple winners in a given draft: there's the guy who picks the best team, there's the guy who is always has the funny retorts to odd picks, and there's the guy with the best team name (this year's nominees: Orton Hears a Boo, The Clay Davis All Stars, and Jews for Purple Jesus).


Heirloom Tomatoes- I'm gonna go from getting all Mel Kiper on you to getting all Martha Stewart on you now. Bit of a change of pace here but something that must be mentioned. Heirloom tomatoes are those horrifically ugly , multi-colored, elephantitis-y looking tomatoes. If you're shallow enough to get over the look of them, an award of a delicacy awaits for you. They are sweet and delicious and are to tomatoes as Filet Mignon is to steak. Blogger General's Warning: Consumption of heirloom tomatoes can lead to one becoming a tomato snob, or the tomato equivalent of that guy at the bar who will only drink Stella Artois or Red Stripe or something. Don't be that guy.


Anticipation of Fall TV- Will Sarah Tancredi return to Prison Break? Will Jim and Pam's romance bloom? Will Robin ever win a Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Will Ted and Barney's reconciliation work? Will Scrubs still suck? With no girlfriend, these are the questions keeping me up at night.


Sarah Palin- The more I learn about her the more I don't like, so I'm trying not to read anything else about the Republican VP Nominee. Only pictures from here on out. I think the real debate here is whether we are labeling her as a Cougar or a MILF. Can't you just see her as a stripper who is doing the whole "Naughty Teacher" bit. She loses the glasses, shakes the hair out, Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" plays. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!


Brew Thru- Ever feel like you want to pick up beer without leaving your car? The Brew Thru makes such lofty dreams possible. Welcome to the Outer Banks' drive-thru liquor stores; essentially a gutted car wash lined with fridges, cases of beer, and drinking paraphernalia. They even load it all into your trunk, so make sure you get that dead hooker's body out before you get there.


America the Beautiful- The 5 most beautiful women of the US Olympic Team...
Jenny Finch- A silver medal athlete and a gold medal hottie.
Natalie Coughlin- Owns the Water Cube and my heart.
Kim Glass- Can't find a photo to do her justice, but she's better than May/Walsh, take my word for it.
Lola Jones- Hotness like Rashida Jones but somehow they aren't related.
Lauren Cheney- Narrowly edged out Hope Solo, Heather Mitts, and Tobin Heath on the hottest US Olympic team