Bond: Goldfinger

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

Goldfinger (1964) watched 10/28/08

PREMISE: In maybe the most classic Goldfinger, we join Bond on a trip to the good ole U-S of A, on a mission to prevent a break in at Fort Knox. But that is getting a bit ahead of ourselves. The film opens with Bond being Bond, a scene in which he blows up an enemy's silo, has a spotlight stealing entrance to the nearby bar, brings a bar hottie home, is attacked just before the big kiss, and ends up electrocuting his attacker (Post-kill line "Shocking, positively shocking"). Quite the renaissance man.

Bond's next stop is Miami where he is sent to gather intel on a potential (foreshadowing!!) enemy, a fat, red-headed, miserly-look fellow named Goldfinger. This must be perhaps the least intimidating bad guy in the history of good versus evil. We meet the obesely sinister gentleman as he is cheating an opponent in a game of Gin; this guy could be most people's Jewish grandfather, so it doesn't even seem fair he has to compete with 007. Then again in one scene Bond actually cant outdrive a group of Asians in a car chase... I find it hard to believe that in 1964, this was the stereotype that didn't exist.

Meanwhile, Goldfinger, like his farcical half-brother Goldmember, is obsessed with all things gold. Whether it be the gold painted woman or the gold bullion Bond offers him before a stellar exhibition of golf hustle that would make Tin Cup proud. Goldfinger marks the first time Bond truly gets his ride pimped. Q and the British Intelligence Agency hook Bond up with a tricked out Aston Martin (smoke screens, oil slicks, ejector seat!!). Bond becomes a prisoner and spends most of the mission working from the inside in preventing the Fort Knox devastation.

THE BOND GIRL:

Two words: Pussy Galore. That's her name and she is a new breed of Bond girl. Pussy, is Goldfinger's personal pilot, and a part of his Knox plans in the form of a golden shower, literally. Pussy is a more modern woman than previous Bond girls and thus harder for Bond to manipulate. In fact, Bond barely gets a roll in hay (again literally) with Pussy before the final shootout.

Bond girl version three has many of the modern upgrades on the second protocol including better looks, stronger personality, and the fact that in the end she ends up saving the day. She kind of even looks like someone who could be a hot friend of your mom. Pussy Galore will probably go down more as a punchline in history than anything else, however, I give her a double-0-seven out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

Goldfinger is clearly a classic Bond and it lives up to the hype. It comes with a quickly paced plot and a more complex scheme than its predecessors. It also is different from the other two because its the first time James Bond really needs someone else to stop the henchman, as Pussy Galore comes to the rescue. While Bond continues to grow in stature and in legend, Ian Fleming perhaps has begun to suggest that Bond can't always do it alone. If for no other reason, see Goldfinger so that you start to get all of the everyday references to the film that previously flew over your head.

Bond: From Russia With Love

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963) watched 10/27/08

PREMISE:

Bond strangled in a garden!? Secret notes in a chess match!? Gypsy fights!? Welcome to From Russia With Love, Ian Fleming's follow up to Dr. No. In this second installment Bond is sent to Istanbul into a known trap, to recover a Russian decoding machine for the Brits. Bond, skeptical at first, sees a photo of his mark (and eventual Bond Girl) and its lust at first sight, so much so that he accepts the perilous mission. And you know the rest, more near-misses in gun fights, narrowly avoiding a venom spiked shoe, and the old bait and switch with a drugged glass of wine. The best moment in terms of action, and maybe most improbable, is Bond's sniper-like shot of a man holding a grenade in a helicopter, which explodes the entire vehicle. Awesome.

This time around Bond is spied on by a man with a diabolical mustache and a sketchy shoeshine, further proof that Bond cannot get to an airport without being followed. FRWL is the first film where 007 is given an arsenal of gadgets; he's equipped with a briefcase that stores Russian gold coins, a throwing knife, ammo, and tear-gas security device. Bond is also armed with the same double entendres, and witty post-kill one liners at his disposal ("She should have kept her moth shut")

Otherwise its more of the same from during Bond's mission: smooth talking his way through interviews, sexing up potential enemies, and something between karate chopping and pistol whipping the bad guys. Bond is like a bad-ass Don Draper: He rolls in style with grey suits and fedoras, and pleases ladies in every city he visits (one in a canoe in London, two in a gypsy camp outside Istanbul, and one other throughout the movie).

THE BOND GIRL:

Our first look at Bond in FRWL is in a canoe with that post-sex glow, clearly no longer involved with Honey Ryder (a single tiny tear runs down my cheek). Canoe girl isn't the Bond girl, but we eventually meet the new Bond girl. She is drastically different this time, Tatiana Romanova, a Russian spy, who we know is part of the sceme against our hero. She is obviously attractive but packs neither the sex appeal nor the naive innocence of Honey Ryder. Maybe its a tough act to follow or maybe she really is just a huge step down, a sophomore slump, if you will.

Tatiana goes through a metamorphasis when the double-crossing begins, and there is never a "wow" moment with her. Like the first Bond girl, Tatiana is a thorn in the side of Bond's plans, but worse, she is whiny and pretty useless, considering she is an agent herself. Plus, that Russian accent isn't helping anyone either. I give her a double-0-five out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

I didn't like FRWL as much as DN but it was a nice transition from Bond the detective to Bond the spy. Bond gets more toys and gadgets and gets his hands dirtier before the final climax (speaking of climaxes, Bond sleeps with three more girls this time around, bringing the total count up to 6 in two movies). Bond has more pop to his punches and more swagger to his step. The evolution from British agent to international spy and womanizer has clearly begun.

Bond: Dr. No

Most people have pegged November 4th as the most important day of the month and potentially in recent history. This would be something if Obama hadn't already wrapped things up, so I am looking forward, all the way forward to the next most important day in November, the 14th. On Friday the 14th, the United States of Barack will witness the unveiling of a real political hero, this one British, Mr. James Bond.

Quantum of Solace debuts this month and to prepare for the occasion, and thanks to the help of Comcast Cable On Demand (note: I will NEVER thank Comcast for anything else EVER) I am planning on running the gauntlet on the Bond films. Since I haven't seen an embarrassingly large number of the non-Brosnan 21 films, I'm starting from the first one and working my way through history. These Bond flicks in HD, along with more James Bond fun (here and here) will be my study prep for QOS. The following are the reports on each film, for those who don't have the time or those who liked SparkNotes in high school.



DR. NO (1962) watched 10/26/08

PREMISE:
Bond investigates a set of murders of British agents on the island of Jamaica. We meet Mr. Bond at a card table in England, winning hands, seducing women, and sexually harassing (in the cool way!) his secretary. Bond is clearly established as he is followed around by sketchy guy hiding behind newspaper at the airport, and tailed by a suspicious Hispanic driver in Jamaica.

Sean Connery as Bond is a weird image, since Connery exists in my head as Darrell Hammond on Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy. This Connery is young, ripped, and has an admirable amount of chest hair. Dr. No treats to us 1960's delicacies such as those awesomely fake backgrounds during driving scenes, lame post-kill punchlines like "I think they were on their way to a funeral," and a lack of cool Bond gadgets we've come to expect. Connery is given a new gun and silencer before his trip to Jamaica and at one point uses the old hair-on-the-door-frame trick to check the security of his hotel room.

Bond comes across more as a womanizer (gets his first of three lays nine minutes in) and detective, than a true spy, in this first chapter. The movie follows him as he tracks down the suspects and narrowly escapes CERTAIN DEATH, and by certain death a mean a planted tarantula in his bed, a sniper near miss, and a car chase on a cliff. Except for a three minute vent escape late in the film, there aren't many lulls.

THE BOND GIRL:

Ursula Andress played Honey Ryder, a sweet and innocent sea-shell searcher on Dr. No's Crab Key (Sound FX: spooky piano chord). Crab Key is like a mix between the Others' hideout on LOST and Bowser's Castle, if they existed during the Cold War. Our hero meets Honey Ryder on his Jamaican justice odyssey. It's the cliched story of love: she gets in the way and sets the radar off, he saves her from the potentially exploding missile factory, and the two end up creating their own happy ending in a rowboat.

Here's what you need to know, Honey Ryder is a ridiculously gorgeous, easily corruptible groupie. She is everything that is right about Bond girls: she is ludiciously hot (don't know if I mentioned that yet), doesn't steal his spotlight, and has that sneaky bed-hopping candor. She is definitely worth risking life and limb for and I would give her a double-0-nine out of ten.

WHAT TO TAKE AWAY:

Chapter one was overall a real winner. Bond is set up as a real hero to the audience. There is little he can't talk, fight, or drive his way out of. Women, like the villains are no match for 007's slick and sly ways. For a first time watcher, there are many familiar scenes and motifs thanks to the Austin Powers trilogy. Its not a masterpiece, but its a strong start for the Bond series.

Fearless-er Predictions After Week 7

So the last time I tried this, there were some bulls eyes and some train wrecks, leaving me to believe I was meant to do this again in week seven. Today I bring you the updated, accurate, clairvoyant, and likely to be revised in a few more weeks, team breakdowns. Lets start at the top:

MAIN COURSES: Cowboys, Giants, Steelers, Bills, Titans

Cowboys- Maybe Jerry Jones and I are alone in this, but these guys have too much talent not to be relevant in January.

Giants- They don't seem scary, but they kinda are; Eli doesn't seem good, but he kinda is.

Steelers- Surviving injuries and barely escaping games early and with their next four games being tough, they could find themselves a couple catergories lower next go-around.

Bills- Poor man's Titans (see Titans below) in an ACL-ripped division.

Titans- The best running game and the best defense in the league makes you forget the fossil standing under center.

THE SCRAPPY: Eagles, Packers, Jaguars, Bears, Cardinals, Bucs, Panthers

Eagles- They alternate showing up and not showing up, but had a bye week to straighten it out.

Packers- Can't count out a team in Lambau with a studly, bruising defense, just like you can't count out a petty former Packers quarterback dominating the headlines.

Jaguars- Really not deserving of faith, but they'll cakewalk through five of the next six weeks.

Bears- Another team with a "good enough" QB, a strong defense, and a crappy division.

Cardinals- Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league, and the only one who doesn't whine.

Bucs- Their defense is so manly, it makes up for their quarterback's not-so-manliness (just kidding he's got a much much hotter wife than anyone in the NFL, Tom Brady included).

Panthers- Maybe the most well rounded team in the claustrophobic NFC South.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE: Colts, Broncos, Patriots, Chargers, Ravens, Saints, Redskins, Falcons

Colts- I can't figure out if the Colts will make the playoffs, but you don't your team to play them there.

Broncos- Not a resume I would want to bring to a job interview.

Patriots- Don't be down about the Rodney Harrison injury; he was about as an effective safety option as Bristol Palin's birth control.

Chargers- Someone needs to tell them that this isn't study hall, they MUST show up every week.

Ravens- Impressive rebound from last year but they can't beat good teams.

Saints- A true enigma week in and out, they win and lose in baffling fashion.

Redskins- Most people don't value them this low, but most people don't have to trough through their games every week on TV.

Falcons- Ryan, Turner, Smith and other the other generic last name new editions are righting the Vick-Ship.

THE SCRAP HEAPS: Browns, Vikings, Jets, Texans, Seahawks, Dolphins

Browns- Like everyone else, they should just blame it on the economic crisis.

Vikings- Too many players on the team who aren't Adrian Peterson.

Jets- When you put an ugly girl in a pretty dress it doesn't change her from being an ugly girl.

Texans- Its my opinion that Gary Kubiak should be the next coach to go; Texans have too much talent to support the way they play.

Seahawks- Superbowl runners-up two years ago, a playoff win last year, and now one win in seven weeks; this team is needs a Red Bull or something.

Dolphins- That wildcat formation is too gimmicky to take seriously, yet keeps them above the stink.

PLAYING FOR A DRAFT PICK: Bengals, Raiders, 49ers, Chiefs, Lions, Rams

Bengals- A joke I heard- "The Bengals are like possums, they play dead at home and get killed on the road."

Raiders- Al Davis goes through head coaches like fantasy football owners go through kickers.

49ers- Another year where I wish the Patriots owned the rights to the 49ers lottery pick.

Chiefs- LJ spits in a woman's face, Tony Gonzalez DOES ask to be traded; nothing goes right in KC.

Rams- Just assuming Jim Haslett's 2-0 record is a modern day example of beginners' luck.

Lions- Since the Dolphins couldn't go 0-16 last year, these Lions could be the chosen ones.

Not Meant to Be

So that happened. A Mark Kotsay (questionable) strikeout, a Jason Varitek (horribly ugly) strikeout, and a Jed Lowrie sharp grounder to second marked the end of an ultimately doomed post-season run. Kinda fitting when you think about it too, because it was an unbelievably feeble lineup that marked the beginning of the end for them.

And its weird. I'm not that upset, I'm more just disappointed; I feel like my parents giving me the old high school lecture. "I expected more from you, and have realized maybe I just had too high expectations." The truth is these Red Sox hit their peak a few weeks ago, and sadly were not a championship club as currently comprised.

The biggest thing I can see looking at the team, from a step back now that the season is over, is that this team was worse than last year's team. The pitching might have been a wash, but the Sox lineup was a PG version of last year's R-Rated monster.

This watered down version was without Manny Ramirez, Mike Lowell, and one wrist of David Ortiz, or the Big Recession. Jason Varitek got worse, Jacoby Ellsbury ended up buried on the bench, and Jed Lowrie showed his cold feet. The weight of the team lay on the shoulders of just a few hitters and that doesn't cut it in crunch time. On the bright side, the playoffs gave me the idea for my Jason Varitek Roadkill Halloween costume.

It wasn't a sad ending, it wasn't a pitiful whimper into oblivion, it wasn't a heartbreak; all things it looked like it might be at one point. Goodbye is never a fun word and losing never get easy, even if you are a Clippers fan, but the Sox demise won't haunt me the way others have (2003!, 2005, 2006 recently). Plus now I have time to catch up on my Steve Harvey Show DVDs.

But when you look back at the season you can feel assured that Youkilis, Pedroia, Lester, Masterson, Dice-K, and Jason Bay all took the metaphorical next step. With them back and a hopefully re-tooled Buchholz and Lugo, a better fitting Kotsay, a healthier Lowell and Ortiz, and a maturer Ellsbury, this team can certainly wreak havoc. Lets just hope its not our our havoc that's wreaked.