Red Sox With 100 Left

After tonight's game in Washington, the Red Sox will have 62 games under their belts, meaning 100 left in the season. Seems like as good a time as any to take a look at the season so far, and where it seems to be going.

Even as one of the biggest Sox fans I know and yet perpetual Sox worrier, I gotta say I like what we've put together. Emotionally I've got my feet up on the table and my hands behind my head, taking it all in. Not only because the first place throne is embedded with a fluffy five game cushion, and not only because we are currently 17 games over 500, but because of the way everything seems to be gellin' right now. We like Magellan, we're so gellin'.

The leading factor so far for our overwhelming success has been the pitching. It started a bit questionably with our two aces, Beckett and Lester, kinda sorta forgetting the season had actually started. Two and a half months later, Beckett has channeled his 2007 playoffs self and Lester looks every bit as good as he ever has. Between them and a resurgent Tim Wakefield (on pace for a 10-12 win first half and a horrifying All-Star snub) and an increasingly reliable Brad Penny, our first four starters cannot be matched.

A big question will be answered tonight in John Smoltz's first start, but lets not put too much at stake if he doesn't dazzle in the spot where Dice-K's cadaver has been stored. The Smoltz issue will play out like LOST, we may get an answer tonight, but odds are, good or bad, it will open up doors to new questions. Not only is Clay Buchholtz (extremely) patiently waiting in Pawtucket but Justin Masterson can always be remolded into a starter.

Meanwhile our bullpen is unquestionably the unsung hero our the 2009 campaign so far, and one Theo and the boys should be the proudest of. While the Yankees wasted hundreds of millions (literally!) on starting pitching that has gone 11-8 with an ERA around 4, the Sox front office spent a fraction of that to acquire reliable, proven closers like Takashi Saito and Ramon Ramirez, and working on homegrown talent like Daniel Bard and Michael Bowden. Come the trading deadline you'll hear how all of the contenders are looking for bullpen arms, all of them except us.

Running down the lineup, we can all agree that we're getting unbelievable production from Jason Bay, Ellsbury, Nick Green, Youkilis, Lowell and Varitek. That leaves JD Drew who is right where we want him, Jed Lowrie who has been hurt most of the year, and Rocco Baldelli who hasn't had much chance to shine. The only two guys who haven't lived up to our astronomical expectations are Big Papi and Pedroia. Papi has been a true enigma, but recently looks like the David Ortiz of yore (the good yore, after he stunk for the Twins), and even Pedroia has begun to heat up.

Some other things to look forward to:

• Sox are 15-5 in the last seven series against five teams with records better than 500.
• Sox are 13-4 against the current 3 other AL playoff teams so far with all 4 loses coming on the West Coast. Have I mentioned we dont have to go West anymore this year?
• Sox have a pretty steady lead in the American League and since the AL doesn't lose All Star Games, we can just chalk up home field for the World Series. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that we're 25-10 at home this season?
• And last and certainly not least, there's that little matter of the Sox being 8-0 against the Yankees this year.

I'll be there tonight for game 62, rooting for the Sox with 75% of the crowd in DC, and starting to get used to this free and easy feeling. I would sum up my feelings more succinctly, but pregame beers and cornhole wait for me at Nats Stadium.

MTV's The Duel Season Ender

There's television, good television, and, if you're lucky, "Do not delete recording" television. Most of this season of MTV's The Duel 2 was barely television. There was a distinct lack of partying, night-vision hook ups, backstabbing, and any competitive drama after the Artest-ian melee between CT and Adam eight minutes into the season. Instead we were inundated with lame confrontations, contrived relationship disputes, and a player competing for diaper money. Yawn.

The final episode finally raised the bar, with a surprise extra duel, including the first full contact male duel. (And it was outstanding, with Brad pulling maybe the greatest and smarted competitive move ever, in throwing Landon's ring. Truly genius work from a guy who spelled T-H-R-O-N in a spelling bee challenge two weeks earlier.) And while the final challenge was par for the obstacle course, there were some great take-away moments. Rachel's wire-to-wire victory was nothing short of impressive, even if it was predictable, and even if she might have the anatomy to compete in the men's side too. Evan's reaming out of Brittni was both hilarious and typical d-bag Evan. And Mark's commitment to Aneesa showed class and character usually absent from the entire MTV network. You know the rest: the winners got oversized checks (one of the top 10 best things in life), the credits rolled, and then, and only then, did the show take its first steps into "Do not delete recording" territory.

Following the season finale, MTV aired an aftershow, The $#!t They Shoulda Showed, which is perfectly named. The hour long season retrospective with hysterical confessionals and video of the things we really wanted to see all season; the parties, hook ups, black outs, and silly time wasters that humanize the cast.

The main reason that the show was such a success was that it feature Issac in all of his drunken glory and comedic brilliance. If MTV were smart, they would have him live in the house for the inevitable next go around and not compete, only provide debauchery and commentary. Between Issac's epic black outs, his character 'Samuel the Cat', his Flava-Flav costume complete with black-face, and blunt honesty make him the uncontested MVP of the season.

Meanwhile, the aftershow also shed light into what the contestants do during the days, which was the first time we'd really seen how much fun the house can be. It's easy to rip these steroid-pumped meatheads for being dumber than the Kicker iPod docks door prizes, but they have some unbelievably creative ways to party and pass time. The mustache, the cardboard box game, the fashion show, the oneses, Evan and Mark's "Apartment Party" are all examples of things they really should have shown. (And honestly, why didn't they? Did they not want more shows and more revenue? Come on Bunim-Murray, you're better than that.)

Anyway, there's so much more packed into the hour but I dont want to ruin all the fun. It's MTV so it airs almost everyday, so I suggest making a DVR date. If all this hasn't been enough of a sell, I give you two more words: Pube Tacos.

Meanwhile tomorrow night comes the grand finale to the roller-coaster of a season, The Reunion. Maybe we'll finally get more video of the Adam/CT fight. Maybe we'll finally find out if Landon is gay. Maybe we'll get some insight into why Aneesa looked like such a crack-whore in the aftershow. Either way, the momentum from the Aftershow last week makes this must-see-tv and more potential "Do not delete recording" television.

Summer Goals for Everyone

Flipping your calendar from May to June feels good in the same way crossing something off a to-do list does; while largely insignificant, its highly psychologically rewarding. June means summer and that means girls in sun dresses, the meat of the Red Sox season, Sam Summer on draft, the lowering of inhibitions, and if you're lucky enough, wearing shorts to work. Here's the thing about summer, it goes by quick if you don't make the most of it. You can fly through June-July-August like pitchers fly through the Ortiz-Varitek-Lugo part of the lineup, so lets set some goals (we can keep the bar low) in hopes to get the most of the time of the year. 

1) Drink and eat outside as much as possible. The main reason: Everything tastes better outside. Whether its a tailgate, a bbq, an outdoor table at a restaurant, a patio or rooftop bar, or a picnic (do girls read this site?) a breeze and fresh air really goes a long way. Poetically, there's definitely something serene about the absence of walls, and more practically the people watching is stellar, especially with ogle-hiding sunglasses. 

2) Catch up on a past series of television (or three). All the good stuff is over by now so take the time to pick up on something you've missed. Thanks to On Demand and DVD's there are a couple ways to make up for lost time. Some often overlooked series: AMC's Mad Men, Showtime's Californication, and my deep deep sleeper, Starz's Party Down. But by all means if you live in aWi-Fi configured cave and haven't tried Lost, Arrested Development, or How I Met Your Mother (start with season 2), now is your chance. 

3) Get active. So maybe its hot out and a run isn't feasible, but there are still lots of choices from a beer softball league to shooting hoops to playing golf without a cart. I'm gonna get preachy here for a second: I happened across the ole high school yearbook last week and we're all noticeably fatter now mainly because our outdoor activities are becoming increasingly seldom. Summer is our chance to get in better shape, maybe get a tan too. Like they say in Knocked Up, "We didn't say lose weight, I might say tighten. Just like toned and smaller." Look, this isn't an intervention but dont sleep on summer's opportunities to get out and play.

4) Go away. Ideally a road trip is the best bet because it incorporates seeing somewhere new, bonding with others, inevitable problem solving, and blasting Summer of 69 with the windows down. Miles logged are far less important than the journey itself. Road trips be themed as in ballpark tours, reunions with college buddies, golf trips, beach weekends, the Shawshank Redemption trail or sporadic, haphazard stops. Road trips work because the process is usually greater than or equal to the results and like when the pizza guy shows up on late night Cinemax, the possibilities are endless. 

5) Knock out the summer staples early. Lightning round: A lawn concert, a beach trip, a few games of cornhole, a baseball game at a new stadium, a new set of flip-flops, a summer fling (nobody likes a prude!), a messy meal of crab or lobster, a top-40 song you like wayyyyy too much, a book that wouldn't sniff a scholastic reading list, and a last-minute day off from work.

Is Dwight Howard Over-Rated?

Dwight Howard has become an iconic NBA figure with his monstrous dunks, Superman costume, and childlike enjoyment of the game. Its always hard to crap on a guy you like (and I really like Howard and his swagger), but isn't Dwight Howard overrated?

Looking at the Celtics Magic series its hard not to see him that way, especially looking back at game five. I know Howard is a dependable double-double every night of the season; I know he fills out every inch and pound of his 6' 11", 265 pound frame; I know his dunks can make you involuntarily rise from your seat. However its the things Howard can't do that have left the bigger impression on me.

The biggest problem is that he can't score in an offensive set, at least not with Kendrick Perkins and Glen Davis guarding him. His game fiver effectiveness was minimal, even worse than his stat line says: 37 minutes, 5-10 FG, 17 reb, 4 TOs, 12 points. Let's start with Dwight Howard's meager 12 points, which came on five baskets. Three of those five hoops came on offensive rebound putbacks or fastbreak dunks, meaning 40 percent of his baskets (only two hoops in 37 minutes!!!) came from offensive sets. Here's who else had two baskets in offensive sets: Brian Scalabrine. Here's who had five baskets in offensive sets: Stephon Marbury. (And in case you were wondering, of his 31 field goals, only 20 of them are from offensive sets, making him pretty harmless in a halfcourt set.) Seems to me that a solid box out from Perk (6'10" 280 lbs) or Big Baby (6'9" 285 lbs) would cut his already limited offense by about a third.

Howard called out Stan Van Gundy after game five for not getting him the ball enough especially down the stretch. Again, another Howard boo-boo. While Van Gundy looked like MacGruber trying to get the bomb out of the missile silo during the fourth quarter, Howard's lack of touches ranks extremely low on the list of errors (listing said mistakes would put me over my imaginary word count).

Now you might counter that Dwight Howard is known for his defense too, and that's a good point since he was the defensive player of the year. Howard's 11 blocks are the same number that Perkins has had in less time. He may have the edge in steals but Howard's shot changing ability is apparently matched by our rarely praised center. Oh and don't forget Howard's turnover margin is disastrous, with Rondo being the only Celtic dishing out more mistakes than him.

In the end, clearly a team that has Dwight Howard is lucky to have him, but in this playoff series I am underwhelmed. He should have been the one major advantage the Magic have over the Celtics, especially with Garnett on the sideline, and yet has been neutralized by Perk. We're talking about a guy who was first team All-NBA against a guy who was our worst starter heading into the playoffs. I'm sure Van Gundy's game plan isn't helping him, but eventually a star exerts himself on the game, instead of the letting the game exert itself on him.

Cant Win Em All

Statistical truth: Its very hard to win a basketball game when your opponent shoots lights out from the three point line in the first half and you are running on tired legs. That's not an excuse, its a statistical truth. It's also hard to win a basketball game when your two players who step it up the most are Brian Scalabrine and Stephon Marbury. (Seriously how great was Scalabrine? His intensity on defense and hustle and knack for open shots on offense was the driving force behind the Celtics second half energy.)

The good news? For a team that looked fairly overmatched for most of the game, the C's kept it close, kept it interesting, and kept the faith. We can look at it as something to build on or something to pack up after. "Get busy living or get busy dying, you damn right." If we had let the Magic continue that early second half beatdown, it would have been easy to quit or say the Bulls series was enough. Basically the team could have pulled a Shaughnessy. Instead they stared down the deficit and the deficit blinked. Now this series doesn't seem so daunting.

Four simple tactical changes that could turn the series real quickly:

1) Take advantage of the mismatches on offense. Ray Allen wasn't great but you have to work him on Reddick more than we did. Calling Reddick a defensive liability is like calling swine flu a medical inconvenience. Same goes with opening the floor for Rondo against Alston; let Dwight Howard sink down and open up shorties for Perk and Big Baby. When you dictate the play, advantage you.

2) Go at the basket. In the first half we didn't and because of it we were down by 18 at the half, didn't shoot a single free throw, and the Magic committed only three team fouls. In the second half we did go at the hoop and drew fouls, were awarded free throws, and made legitimate scoring runs.

3) Intangibles, intangibles, intangibles. We have edges in playoff experience, game closers, and intensity. We're the defending champs, which doesn't score you any extra points on the scoreboard, but adds motivation and pride. And maybe the biggest edge we have is in team chemistry, although the five drunk yuppies singing "Just a Friend" in the Heineken commercial seem to have more chemistry than Magic starters. By the way that commercial kicks ass and sends a good message; they can't show it enough.

4) Take Big Baby out after three fouls with 11 seconds left in the half. It's that easy. And while we're here, no more big men wasting fouls on shoddy picks, reach ins, or soft and-one fouls.

5) Manage the runs. Call it the Pepto-Bismol strategy but this game was won by the team that was able to withstand the other team's offensive runs, and the Magic 3-point surges outlasted ours. It starts with Rondo being less haphazard with the ball when we're streaking and also means not getting frustrated if Pietrus and Alston hit a few buckets in a row (by the end of the game the Magic shot only 33% from downtown). Finally, it means taking advantage of a coach commonly dubbed a "Master of Panic" by his own players.

Let's stay positive. We were down 0-1 to the Bulls too, and by now we know that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Crush of the Week: Lizzy Caplan

New feature here at Not Not Untitled, a little something I like to call Crush of the Week. This is a way to document all of the eye-catching girls I see on a weekly basis and immediately forget. You can call me a missionary because I am trying to spread the good word of a pretty face.

Meet Lizzy Caplan, or I should say re-meet Lizzy Caplan, the first ever documented crush of the week. You may remember Lizzy from role as Janis Ian from Mean Girls. Remember that premonition that something cute was hiding behind the gothed out potential lesbian? Well you were right and the proof lies in Lizzy's newest role as Casey in Starz's outstanding (and under-appreciated) new series Party Down.

Casey is a girl you could really get hung up on, with her girl next door looks, snarky charm, and fake attainability, and I have a feeling Lizzy doesn't have to strain to hard to pull that off (By the way, Party Down is downright hilarious and must watch for a Starz subscriber. Think The Office set at a Hollywood catering company, but actually funny). In interviews, she comes across as down to earth and low maintenance, traits hard to find individually in Hollywood women.

Some other credits: Marlena in JJ Abrams' Cloverfield and a brief role on HBO's True Blood last summer.

And a few more bonus points for Lizzy: Did you know she lives next to Audrina from The Hills? Also Wikipedia says that she's a reform Jew and that she named her cat, Lisa Turtle, all things I can deal with. In conclusion, Lizzy Caplan, we salute you as Crush of the Week, and maybe one day when we're dating we can look back at this whole thing and laugh.

On Obama, the Sox, and Paul Pierce

On TV: I am sitting and watching the President speak right now with a steady eye on the clock. He BETTER not interrupt the 9PM viewing hour. No one who hasn't solved any huge problems is allowed to preempt a new episode of LOST. Also, why isn't he doing these impromptu speeches on Tuesdays, aka the TV graveyard? You know who this wouldn't have been a problem with? John McCain. The guy would probably have been in bed right now. I swear if this guy goes on past 9:01 I am getting a cab, heading towards the White House and [Patriot Act censor]ing his ass.

Sidenote- all of the major networks are on the Obama train right now, except for Fox. I love (LOVE!) the fact that they aren't even pretending anymore. Can you imagine the Fox exec who says, "Obama? Naw, lets go with episode of Lie to Me." Faccccccccce.

On the Red Sox: Just been great results-wise so far thanks to a steady dose of big bats from everyone except for David Ortiz. Remember this outstanding commercial? Is it remotely possible we are being duped like the Japanese right now? You don't complain about winning or after one loss following 11 wins, but if things were to go awry, I would like to think its because of our sneaky not that good pitching. These bats have really been playing the role of the Franconian bailout. 

Even though Wakefield is pulling a Benjamin Button, Lester and Beckett have been wildly inconsistent. Not great from guys we were hoping to get 35 wins from. Meanwhile Brad Penny has been wildly consistent, which is to say he's been wild and erratic. You know the phrase "Penny for your thoughts"? If I were Theo, I would trade Brad Penny for anyone's random thoughts; they wouldn't even have to be optimistic ones. BP looks uncomfortable on the mound and needs to stop throwing BP to during games. 

On Paul Pierce in last night's game 5: The guy showed all the signs of someone who ate Chili's Chicken Crispers right before the game. He played the first 40 minutes of the game slow, lazy and bloated, like his main concern wasn't draining a trey but dropping a deuce. I even texted a few friends that it seemed like he didn't care like we are used to seeing from the Truth. Then, sure enough, like all Crisper meals do, it passed in roughly two hours time, rejuvenating Pierce back into killer instinct mode. And that's what we got: a guy unencumbered by grease, batter, and double fries (cuz no one wants that gnarly cob of corn). 

I owe Paul an apology for not having faith in a man who has certainly earned as much. Also as a Chili's veteran, I should have been able to recognize that Crisper lethargy is fleeting. My bad on that one. 

Prison Break Running Diary

Including myself, there are only three people I know who still care about Prison Break, Fox's television drama that premiered more than three years ago. Originally a fun, cool new show, PB quickly jumped the shark once the writers had Scofield and crew, predictably, break out of prison midway through season two. Since, PB has ambled two more season through re-incarceration and second break, a fake decapitation, whilst the main characters change teams more often than Theo Ratliff. Understandably most viewers quit shortly after the writers and continuity producers did, thus the current PB final run. Last week's episode, "The Mother Lode" was tremendously horrific that I decided I couldn't let another episode go unrecorded. So without further ado, the running play-by-play AND color commentary of PB episode "Vs."

0:01- We open with a sniper given the green light to shoot Lincoln, what could go wrong, right? Well how about Michael Rappaport just so happening to see said sniper as Lincoln walks behind a tree... phew that was a close one.

0:02- Sniper in shootout with Mahone, who's now on the roof. Oddly sniper isn't such a good shot.

0:05- Sarah's oddly timed panic attack is just a potential preggo scare. We have to see her holding a pregnancy test because, lets be honest, her acting isn't conveying anything... ever.

0:11- I hate, HATE those commercials where they offer to buy someone a computer if they can find a good one under $1500. Why does the mom act shocked to be getting a free computer at the end when they told her "you find it, you keep it"? Are PB writers moonlighting for ad reps?

0:15- Linc arguing with Mahone, T-bags, and Rappaport about how to acquire Sylla. The last month or two of this show is just varying permutations of this same scene, over and over. And these guys have less chemistry than the Yankees clubhouse.

0:15- Mahone just happens to stumble upon Michael and Sarah in downtown Miami. I'm sure its a small city though. 

0:18- Apparently "The Company" which uses intricate ciphers and codes, also leaves behind clues that are google-able. Michael and Sarah have a lead... I wonder if this will take them to a showdown with Linc and the boys. 

0:19- So the guys arrive at the embassy in India. Guess the writers didn't feel like researching whether or not there is an Indian embassy in Miami. Spoiler alert: there's not.

0:21- T-bags distraction is a diatribe with the security guard at the "embassy." His rants are hilarious.  Did you know elephant dung could be processed into parchment? 

0:26- A painting of Taj Mahal is prominently placed in a scene. Is it possible that they wanted to allude back to the model Michael built for the warden in season one? No way did they think of that, right?

0:29- Mrs. Scofield is offering technology to India that would "catapult [India] 50 years ahead of its time," leading me to wonder why the US government would just be hiding it from the world.

0:33- Commerical for Cisco that includes the actor who places "The General" singing "I Will Survive." So much for him being scary, and nice job Fox's ad sales team.

0:38- A captured Linc, Mahone, and Rappaport are brought into an office and told "Move an inch and I will kill you" and then left alone, unguarded. It must be nice for the show's writers to not have to care about job performance. 

0:39- The guys leave the room. 

0:39- Oh yeah, also that well run business meeting to sell the contents of Sylla? Well they just happened to forget their post-it note detailing the next step of the plan. Showdown at the airport coming!!!

0:41 Scofield's mom just called him unintentionally and knew his voice after not seeing him since childhood. I'm sure baby Michael had that deep voice though.

0:43- Two white men pull up to airport in a black SUV; Michael and Sarah know they are badguys coming for them. I believe they call that racial profiling.

0:49- Big car chase at the airport, Sarah versus Company agents. I'm sure no one will notice.

0:50- Michael and Sarah about to be shot execution style on the tarmac. Saved last second by Mahone and a sniper rifle. Sets up a Michael Linc reunion. Linc and crew steal the hostage and bad acting steals the scene. 

0:55- T-bag deep in thought, clearly contemplating turning on the guys, his go to move. The makeup person who designed the gashes on his face clearly put one on that looks a little too much like a vagina. Not saying, just saying.

0:57- In a not shocking turn of events, T-bags gives up the guys plan to The General. I'm thinking someone won't be surviving. 

0:59- Another trip to the can for Sarah and this time the reveal of a positive preggo test. Tears: joy or sadness? 

1:00- Rappaport and Mahone believe Sandinsky's story even though, we the viewer, knows its a lie. Apparently an former FBI agent and former homeland security agent can't discern a phony backstory. That's comforting, Fox.

1:01- A not-so-subtle smile by our new con, Sandinsky, and we get the scary PB theme, andddd SCENE. As usual, job barely done. 

DC's Earth Day Mess-tival

Its the week of Earth Day but you probably knew it because there were signs at the local Whole Foods... or you didn't know about it because the holiday is a niche PR-celebration catering to mostly those who already know and already care (like Whole Foods customers). That is the fundamental problem with Earth Day, but since I am hip to the green movement, and it was an awesome weather day in DC I ambled down to the National Mall for DC's Earth Day Fest. 

I'm not sure if its the big part of me that's a nerd, or the little part of me that is a closeted green-movement supporter, but I was looking forward to checking out what today's Fest had to offer.

Let's just say, there's a lot of room for improvement. Here's the big problem, I'm not big on hypocrisy. For example, people fight to save the Earth shouldn't be passing out pamphlets that (if they are lucky) 5% of people may gloss through, before trashing. Or worse perhaps, the loads of trash cans without the presence of a recycling bin for all of the cans and bottles. Also the inane amounts of sound equipment for a concert (why not scale it down a bit or go acoustic in the sake of electricity), the inaner amounts of smokers (inherent littering of cigarette butts, not to mention the clouds of smog), and the inanest amounts of un-picked up massive piles of dung from DC Police horses (So there are laws mandating that dog owners pick up their feces, but police horses can leave monstrous piles wherever?). 

Honorable mention to Chevy Chase who spoke to the crowd (not really) and introduced an environmentalist who's name he couldn't pronounce, not even from the script he was unpreparedly reading from. At least David Ortiz seems like he's trying. Thanks for the effort, Chevy. I hope you got credit for those SkyMiles. 

The inconvenient truth about today's Earth Day Fest was that the potential was mostly unfulfilled. There were some cool science projects discussing sustainable foods and modern solar and wind energy progressions. However, no matter how many free water-bottles and re-usable grocery bags are distributed by corporate sponsors (who's efforts would feel a lot more authentic if their names weren't plastered everywhere), if they aren't practicing what they preach, what's the point? Sure my new, free 1500% recycled polycarbonate mumbo jumbo frisbee gives me some peace of mind, but I'd feel a lot better about the day if I didn't have to throw my Dasani bottle and my handful of brochures into the same trash can. 

The Artist Formerly Known as Office

In life there are disappointments, deep disappointments, and then whatever we label that car wreck into a train derailment on the site of a plain crash that was this weeks episode of The Office, titled "Heavy Competition." I know I have turned Office bashing into a weekly sermon, but this week was the tippiest of all tipping points.

"Heavy Competition" was a prime example of all that is wrong with the entire season. Unfunny bizarre, and sloppy are words to describe this season's atrocious lay out. I've been left to wonder if The Office writing room has been reduced to Alzheimer's patients, monkeys attempting Shakespeare, and former Prison Break scribes. 

Lets start with the chief storyline, the removal of Michael Scott from Dunder-Mifflin. Taking the star of the show out of his habitat was a risky decision that has not paid off. Do we care about the Michael Scott Paper Company? No. Do we lose a tremendous amount in the Michael-Dwight back and forth? Yes. Remember when Entourage took Vince away from Ari? How'd that work?

Next, onto Michael's replacement, the former Stringer Bell, Idris Elba. Elba was a great free agent pick up for The Office, yet the producers have put him into a role in which he cannot succeed. His character, Charles Miner is boring, bland, and and a total douche. As Stringer Bell, Elba was calculating yet impulsive, cerebral yet savage, and both book and street smart. He demonstrated his range and layers; skills which have been buried in a one dimensional character. A solution you want? How about letting him take his character for a stroll and womanize Kelly and Angela who are smitten by his presence? The more Mindy Kaling the better.

What about the others in previously fun Dunder-land? Andy's value is crippled when he is paired with the insufferable Jim. Creed used to have one outstanding, memorable line per episode that the writers have apparently discontinued. Kevin and Stanley are like Rose and Bernard on Lost; previously loved, now missing. And remember when Kelly used to be funny? Me too.

Will I stop watching? No. I won't quit on something with years of street cred because of a little cold streak. If I did, I'd be no better than Yankee fans (in fact, its still seventh on my DVR Series Priority behind Lost, How I Met Your Mother, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 30 Rock, Mad Men, Real World/Road Rules). I just with the season cut its losses and we get back on track next year. The lesson though, as always, quit while you're ahead. A lesson of which Greg Daniels would have been smart to borrow the British version.

Second Fiddle, First Favorite

I've noticed a trend in television recently: it seems like the best characters are secondary or fringe characters. Maybe its easier to write for minor personalities or maybe they are effective because of their diminished roles, but whatever it is, its working.

Lets start with The Office, a show who's major characters (Jim, Michael, Pam) have jumped the shark, but might as well have been eaten by sharks. This season Ed Helms' character Andy Bernard is carrying most of Dunder-Mifflin on his back, while getting some help from the heavy hitters Kevin and Stanley for sidebar laughs. Helms' battle with Dwight over Angela and Cornell interviews and his stint as Oscar's wingman are on the season's painfully short highlight reel.

The next witness called to the stand is The Office's better half, 30 Rock. 30 Rock has a much wider cast, but again its the little guys who bring it to the next level. No one brings more consistent comedy from the outskirts than Jack McBreyer's Kenneth, but the real hidden gem is, and has always been, Chris Parnell's Dr. Spacemen. The man knocks it out of the park everytime like Roy Hobbs.

Another character that always pleases is South Park's Randy Marsh. Everyone who still watches knows Randy eps are the best, from the Little League episode in season nine, to season 11's Easter Special, to season 12's Internet episode, and already this season's "Margaritaville" romp on the economy. South Park is good but with Randy its always great. (I know I left out tons of great Randy moments, there are wayyyyy too many to name)

I don't like publicly admitting I still watch Scrubs since its a season-long obituary at this point, but the show's sole weekly smile comes from Ted, the hospital's nebbish lawyer. While JD and company are nostalgically going through the motions, Ted still brings the laughs. Maybe his can't-do attitude will never get old but Sam Lloyd seems like the only actor who knows there's actually film in the camera.

More examples, quickfire style, Jeff and Lester on Chuck, Howard Wolowitz on Big Bang Theory, Lo on The Hills, T-Bags on the AWOL-ed Prison Break, and even the recently missing-in-time Desmond on LOST. One big trend, one odd coincidence, or just ridiculous opinion?

First Weekend Reactions to March Madness

I haven't worked in the four days and shaved in the last eight. I've shoveled down more buffalo wings and Bud Lights than I want to declare. I have left ass impressions in bar stools across DC. The tangible results? One commemorative pint glass, a couple extra pounds, a bracket at the bottom of every pool I'm entered in, and face full of nasty stubble. Picture me as the unemployed Ron Burgandy, without the stale milk.

Besides general malaise, my mini-vacation can be characterized by pretty consistent intoxication and almost as consistent disappointment in the games (mostly the results). I've lost a lot of close games, a few blowouts, and many in between; ESPN has even told me that my bracket in the 13th percentile, which is below George W. Bush's approval rating and dipping into weatherman success territory. Perhaps the only thing I'm still qualified for in regards to the tournament is reactions, since few people have logged the hours I have with CBS. Here are some thoughts:

-The number one seeds all look pretty good. They've had some scares but their recoveries and finishing of games (Louisville over Siena, UNC over LSU, Pitt over OKState) are what make them the best four teams.

-If you have a five seed, let's go ahead and just book your ticket as a round trip.

-The team that needs this five day break the most has to be Kansas. Two hideously ugly wins for them, and a few practices is exactly what Bill Self needs. If they didn't get Dayton today, I don't think they'd still be around. Dayton was so bad that Obama would have described their performance as Special Olympic inspired. 

-More on the Obama front, his bracket is mediocre, but what would be more impressive: Obama nailing every single game of the tournament or solving the Middle East Peace Crisis and the economy problems? 

-Biggest letdown had to be Western Kentucky not getting back on defense after tying Gonzaga in the final seconds. How does that happen? Where was that guy from the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial to shoot off the flashbulb and send the game to overtime?

-Speaking of which, BWW had more commercials since Thursday than Foxwoods has during an entire Red Sox season. Even Tyler Perry's House of Payne thought it was overkill. Honorable mentions to Cingular's dad with the cameraphone, Burger King breakfast shots, Captain Morgan's douchey "four guys" (please tell me which bar in American doesn't charge a group of four dudes for drinks).

-Some superlatives: Best ending- Siena/OSU's 2OT shootout; Most dominating team- UCONN; Best tourney mantra- Jay Bilas' "A team's performance doesn't validate or invalidate its inclusion"; Best absence- Billy Packer; Best individual performance- ND State's Ben Woodside's almost one man takedown of Kansas; Best halftime distraction- PhotoHunt; Worst Site- tie between the empty American Airlines Arena in Miami and awkward Metrodome setup in Minneapolis. 

-How bout the job CBS did at the end of the Sunday 5PM games? Maybe the only performance worse than West Virginia this week. They tossed us around between the Siena/L'ville, Mizzou/Marquette, and USC/MSU games like we were the LOSTies during the spinning donkey wheel and white flash debacle... except that we were constantly stuck in the most inopportune moments. 

-The only way to describe Marquette's Lazar Hayward stepping on the line during an inbounds with 5.5 seconds left: A-Rodian. (Also special shout out to Marquette's coach Buzz Williams for looking like a bald version of Shaun of the Dead actor Nick Frost)

-A storyline you should but won't hear about is that of the four mid-major at large bids, two of them lost in round one and another was embarrassed in the second round, all by major conference teams (BYU to A&M, Butler to LSU, and Dayton to KU, respectively). I love what Bilas said about performance's unparallelled relationship to validation but there were lots of pundits upset about the lack of mid-majors in the tourney and we'll see if this is followed up on this week. 

-Looking ahead, we have some awesome matchups for the Sweet Sixteen, how do you pick a favorite? Cuse/Oklahoma? Mizzou/Memphis? Duke/Nova? Kansas/MSU?

My Pre-Bracket Seedings

So I don't like Joe Lunardi, argued this week that his Bracketology is a sham... yadda yadda yadda. Now I am going to try to prove that anyone can do it, put my money where my mouth is. This could be a huge SOGB or could be a triumphant success . Obviously I am not using that Turdbuggler's chart nor any similar ones offered on cnnsi.com or sportsline.com. This is just me using the RPI index, team schedules, and a list of conference winners.

I have been hiding out since you cant get away from bracket predictions. I tried watching OSU/Purdue but they wouldn't stop hypothesizing so I am not watching that now and instead putting in OSU/Purdue Winner and Loser based on how the game ends. I hope I didn't miss anyone glaring because I did this pretty quickly and hopefully this doesn't blow up in my face. Here goes...

1's: L'ville, UNC, Memphis, UCONN
2's: Pitt, Duke, Oklahoma, Mich State
3's: Mizzou, Wake, Cuse, Kansas
4's: Nova, Washington, Utah, OSU/Purdue Winner
5's: UCLA, FSU, Oklahoma St, Gonzaga (note- they should be worse but the committee loves them)
6's: Xavier, OSU/Purdue Loser, West Virginia, Illinois
7's: Sienna, Utah St, Clemson, Butler
8's: ASU, Temple, BYU, LSU
9's: USC, Maquette, Tenn, Tex A&M
10's: BC, California, Creighton, Texas
11's: Dayton, Minnesota, San Diego State, Michigan
12's: Cleveland St, Mississippi St, W. Kentucky, Maryland (UMD last in)
13's: ND State, American, N. Iowa, VCU
14's: Robert Morris, Akron, Binghampton, (Stone Cold) Stephen F. Austin
15's: Radford, Portland St, E Tenn St, Cornell
16's: Chattanooga, Morehead St, Morgan St, Alabama St, Cal State Northridge

Bubbles Burst:
+St. Marys (no way they deserve a bid for a soft schedule and 3 wins again top 100; sidenote- if I get burned I know it will be here, but I need a legit explanation on how they deserve it more than Maryland, Minny, or SDSU)
+Wisconsin (only 18 wins and an RPI of 45, thanks but no thanks)
+Illinois St (Beat Creighton 2 of 3, but swept by 201st rank Indiana St and 0 wins of tourney teams besides Creight)

Why Joe Lunardi Stinks (Abridged Version)

March Madness is the perfect storm of sports gambling, underdog rooting, school spirit having, competition. There's so many things to enjoy about the NCAA tourney that you can overlook the few pitfalls like the play-in game, which registers BCS levels of absurdity. There is just one thing the tournament buffet has to offer that I will not enjoy, my moral enemy, Joe Lunardi (I don't think he knows yet though).

Lunardi shows up uninvited into our homes every February and March like tax returns and pneumonia. ESPN's resident Bracketologist is treated with the esteem of a founding father while having the personality and necessity of those white powdered wigs. For those not familiar, Lunardi created "Bracketology" or the methodology of predicting which 64 teams will earn spots in the brackets. In fairness, I will tip my cap to this application but that is where Lunardi's relevance should begin and end. Now Lunardi lurks on the interweb prognosticating the bracket as his expertise sees fit. Want to know if your team will make the cut? Well Lunardi has the remarkable answer. 

Oh yeah, except for that pesky little part about how every time a college game is played, the future March landscape is changed (think Back to the Future 2). No sweat to J-Lu, he will just re-write (don't be fooled by the fancy word 'update') his bracket to make up for it. Sounds fancy! So lets apply this: when in December, as Georgetown stormed out to a 10-1 record, Joe slated them in for a 2 seed. Then the Hoyas stumbled through the rest of the season (6-12!!) and of course Lunardi bailed on them quicker A-rod bailed on cousin Yuri. 

So what am I trying to say? Lunardi is the thing we hate the most about sports, he's a bandwagon jumper. Maybe its not his fault as much as it is the hyped up system he created, a momentary snapshot of an intricate and finicky process. His job is to tell us what we know, who is currently good and who isn't currently good; he just squeezes it onto a chart, big whoop. Why tell us where Duke fits in with six games to go when those six results will inevitably change their RPI ranking, their spot in the standings, and six other team's win-loss records? Furthermore, why should we respect a man who's accountability is non-existent thanks to web-updating?

And as Selection Sunday gets closer, Lunardi has the ability to re-do it to cover up gaffs. He's not an analyst, he's not an expert, he's simply a March Madness weatherman. He's predicts what will happen and then report what does. During this championship week, he'll probably release a new bracket every day. Where is the talent in seeing Chattanooga knock of College of Charleston and then sliding them into the tourney? Anyone with a newspaper and an eraser could pull that off.

LOST Love

Normally I think writing about LOST is like writing about religion; useless because everyone has a different vision or interpretation of what they see. That's why the best LOST fan sites are filled with nuggets us regular people missed or one-liners with people's reactions and predictions. 

That being said, last night's episode, "LaFleur" was as individually different from any other episode since that joke where Jack got his tattoos (they're not saying booos... no, wait, they were). "LaFleur" however, not only wasn't a train wreck, it was actually interesting. Seemed like a love story, could have been a trippy version of Mad About You. And for its flaws, those who complain about getting slighted on prime character development in favor of sci-fi time travel, should have enjoyed it thoroughly. Anyway, here are the quick one-hitters that stuck out to me:

-When Sawyer and Juliet kill the two others, Amy seems way more upset about the idea of having to bury the bodies than that her husband had just died. She was upset later when they had to give the body back. It was an odd set of reactions.

-At some point they mention that they are in 1974. The others who were victimizing Amy had pretty advanced walkie-talkies in their bags. Warrants mentioning. 

-Um, its not like you didn't notice this either but, Juliet's cleavage is growing quicker than Walt did. In a related story, Juliet is clearly that girl with the self-esteem issues.

-Speaking of which, for all his layers (bad ass, romantic, con man, ladies man), its hard to take Sawyer seriously when we saw him wake up being cuddled as little spoon by Juliet. Lamest. Hero. Ever.

-Seeing the statue was cool, but no one watches to find out about the statue. Seriously if the show ends and we know about the four toes but not about the Hurley string of numbers or other big details about the main Lost-ies, methinks a refund is only fair.

-I read a theory about the lack of aging: That if you live in 2009 and go back to 1974, perhaps you don't age until you progress back to the 2009 day you originally left. When you reach that day, you would then grow at a regular speed. This could explain how Sawyer and company can look current now and still eventually make it back to '04 (show current day) without getting old. However this also could explain why Richard never ages, if we were to assume he's from the future and has always been time traveling. Faraday would probably have some answers for us if his mind didn't get swapped with Roman Polanski's in the last time change. 

-If life for Sawyer and company were to continue uninterrupted on the island from here on out, wouldn't they die in the 1992 Ben-issued Dharma purge, and never make it back to current day?

-Seriously where the F are Rose and Bernard? My favorite characters (since the death of Mr. Eko) are harder to find than the island location. They weren't shown going to the freight in last years finale, they weren't shown in the fiery arrow attack, so why haven't we seen them yet this year?

That Was a Crazy Game of Pick-Up

Every now and then the karma gods smile down upon us and we are thrown into favorable situations. Teenage Will Smith got sent to Bel-Air,  paralyzed Locke crashed on an island fully mobile, and recently I played in a memorable game of basketball. 

I was recently invited into a pick-up game at the Verizon Center on the Wizards practice court, a pretty sweet score. For a basketball nut, an invite into any competitive pick up game is like having a friend who bartends on a weekend, or a buddy who gives you the password to their porn account. Anyway, I got the first call to play and after wayyy too much deliberation about whether to under dress like Woody Harrelson or show up geared up much too seriously, I headed over one tie-dyed cap short of completely toolish. I subscribe to the belief that its always better to be underestimated.  

The game was everything one could hope for: friendly, fast-paced, and loaded with freeGatorades. I was playing with guys and girls who worked for the Wizards and Mystics (the WNBA equivalent, if that weren't an oxymoron) on the practice court of a semi-legitimate professional team. Two hours later most people were packing up and my connection had bolted a game ago. Since I didn't want to be the stranger who stayed at the party too long, it was time to go.

As I packed my bag I watched the remaining eight try to woo a couple of us back for one more full game. I offered my services if they could grab one more, a safe promise since everyone else was bailing, when I heard a new voice say "I'll fill in as tenth." There stood Gilbert Arenas, in practice garb, ball in hand. Gulp.

Next thing I know we were running it back, with Agent 0 (convenient nickname since he's logged 0 minutes for the Wiz all year) jogging up and down the floor with us. Since Arenas and I were on separate teams I made sure someone else was guarding him; I didn't need the guilt of accidentally causing further injury to the $111 million man. I wouldn't have been too embarrassed though since Gil only jogged, attempted a couple shots, and showed the defense commitment of a paper-mache chastity belt. 

In the end we ran for 10 minutes with Arenas, who looked rusty and/or cautious, but was a cool guy. He gave dap to our good plays, or at least good plays scaled down for a curly, lanky left-hander. He was gracious, generous, and seemed to just be happy being on the court. It was a crazy game of pick-up.

The Pussycat Doll Debate

One of the little perks about work is that we each have little TVs on our desks and recently they were re-wired for a full slate of Comcast Digital Cable (and the BEST of intentions!). Now instead of tuning into Regis and Kelly or another hour of The Today Show, I have the freedom to flip... Long story short I've been spending a lot time in the VH1 part of the spectrum. Longer story short the Pussycat Dolls have some new slow video called "I Hate this Part" or something equally lamentable; for some reason the PD's were advised that their fans demand more ballads... yeah.

Anyway the PD's are totally talentless, and I'm sure we can all agree that in the long run, their relevancy will match their talent level. What they lack in song writing, instrument playing, and singing, they more than make up for in not being so hard to look at (Maybe we exclude the red head though; she's always the one in the far background, shot out of focus, or covered by a fedora). Longest story short, lead singer Nicole Scherzinger is Kelvin-scale hot.

She's got ethnic flavor (a mix of Hawaiian and Russian decent), she's sartorially splendid (dresses to tell you she likes getting down), and is the rich man's version of Kim Kardashian. Nice tri-fecta for the resume. So here's some hypothetical food for hypothetical thought: How long could you last as Scherzinger's mate, if while in said relationship, the only music you could hear would be Pussycat Dolls songs?

(Seriously, isn't this a question that could spark a 45 minute conversation at a dinner party of straight dudes and lesbians? I can't wait for my boss to start letting me run interviews for interns.)

The benefits and detriments couldn't be clearer. The question at stake is how much do you value music in comparison with a love life equipped with off-the-charts hotness, a foot in the door to a celebrity world, ultimate Vegas VIP privileges, and some crazy bragging rights. After many calculations, I think I could go somewhere in the vicinity of nine to 12 months, assuming she's not an amazing match for me (Scherzinger sounds Jewish so mom might be happy, but you get the sense she doesn't want to sit around watching How I Met Your Mother on Mondays or do trivia nights on Tuesdays). At home, a lack of music is tolerable at best; although Don McLean makes it sound pretty bad. Much of the void could be filled with podcasts or talk radio, but a year hiatus from concerts would be a serious bummer. Pus it would have to be suicide-inducing to hear to "Buttons" and "Don't Cha" at bars, stadiums, and karaoke nights. A musically void year seems do-able for a top 10 prospect like Scherzinger, right?

Follow up question: How does hypothetical relationship time with Scherzinger compare with the same scenario for other musicians (try Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, Sheryl Crow, Katy Perry, Beyonce on for size)?

5 Things to Take Away from the Oscars

The Oscars are a big deal to many a folk in the movie and fashion bizzes... but to me it sorta seems like a four hour wait for validation of your movie taste. The beauty of a four hour telecast is that there are inevitably highlights; four hours of Celebrity Apprentice 2 would eventually yield a golden nugget or two... its like the whole monkeys writing Shakespeare thing. Anyway, here are five things that left an impression on me last night.

1) I fell in love. Now my friends will verify that I echo this sentiment about once a week, but I think I mean it this time (not like last week at trivia, or two weeks before that at the Bruce Cover Band). Ryan Seacrest introduced me to Meryl Streep's stunning daughter, Louisa, on the red carpet last night. Sure Wikipedia says she was born in 1991 but love doesn't know math (that holds up in court right?). This is a girl right in my wheelhouse too (brunette girl next door, except her door is to a mansion and a meal ticket). Our relationship went past the red carpet as Louisa had a front row seat next to mommy, meaning lots of camera time all night. In 10 years I won't remember what Meryl was nominated for or if she won, but I will definitely remember her best supporting role.

(Honorable mentions of the night: Natalie Portman looked quit-everything-and-marry-me hot, Marisa Tomei was a knockout, Freida Pinto can do no wrong, and Taraji P. Henson was classically beautiful.)

2) The best presenters of the night were Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. Natalie brought the aforementioned visuals and Ben took care of the laughs. Last night Stiller brought his Joaquin Phoenix out to play, but he has an arsenal of other impressions and comedic tools too. Couldn't Stiller go on for hours? If Billy Crystal (automatic first seed) doesn't want back in as host, Stiller HAS to be at the top of the short list of desired hosts (my list also has Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen, Tina Fey, and Will Ferrell).

3) The new way they presented the awards for the four acting categories was a homerun. The whole "just being nominated is a honor" thing we get every year has finally been validated. Just getting nominated isn't really an honor, but getting verbally felayshed by an expert certainly is. Losing to Kate Winslet probably would have been a bitter moment for Jolie, Streep and company if they hadn't been showered in praise by former winners. I don't know or care who wrote the plaudits but they were sincere, meaningful, and awards in themselves (that is unless Alan Arkin calls you Seymour Philip Hoffman, nice prep work ass). Maybe its not a tangible award but you're definitely going home with a souvenir.

4) Hugh Jackman's musical number with Beyonce has showed up on many worst of lists, but I thought it was a fun moment. The Academy put together montages for the romances and comedies of the year, so why not honor musicals too? I doubt Jackman's grand proclamation "The musical is back!" but I enjoyed the rest. I guess this is my public admission that I kinda, sorta, maybe like musicals (I even saw Mamma Mia in the theaters, but it was on a date... and yes, with a girl) not that there's anything wrong with that.

5) And speaking of "not that there's anything wrong with that," I think the lasting memory of the night, besides Louisa Streep of course, was the political statements and validation delivered with the wins of Milk. Best Actor Sean Penn and best original screenwriter Dusin Lance Black delivered proud, rousing speeches about the inequalities we still face in two drastically different tones. Black called for gay people to stand up proud, that they could all share this victory, while Penn scolded California's failed Prop 8 and the populous for a lack of justice. Maybe these words will spark political action and discourse or maybe they will just be tracks to nowhere, but methinks it will be the former. Eventually Slumdog Millionaire's prestige will fade just like most other best picture winners, but Milk's legacy on Oscar night may be a watershed moment we all remember.

Not Not Untitled Field Trip: UWC's Man O War

Three things you dont ever turn down: more food when you're breaking bread with Italians, a chance to punch Jeff van Gundy in the face (bonus points if its during a broadcast), and free tickets to an Mixed Martial Arts fight. Situation three presented itself to me last night so off I went to George Mason's Patriot Center for a UWC (Ultimate Warrior Challenge) event with a couple friends, a press credential, and zero MMA knowledge.

All I knew going in was that MMA fights occur in cages, sitting close meant I could get sprayed with blood, and that crotch shots were not cool (turns out they are also illegal). The event included 9 matches, with a co-main event, so it had that going for it. Upon arrival, we learned one participant in one of the main events had "no showed" for his weigh in that day and would not be attending. Umm ok... I know this isn't MMA's Superbowl but it's kind of your job and your name IS being used to sell the event. Whatever, maybe this stuff just happens here.

We found our seats on the floor about 40 feet away from the cage and almost immediately the Man O' War PR guy sidled up to us and promised seats inside the "bike rack" by the start of the second match. The "bike rack" is the inner circle (10 feet from the cage) apparently cordoned off for VIP's who bring prostitutes and fighter's posses. Even A-rod would have had a problem lying about how well we fit in.

The first few fights were entertaining. We got a first round knockout and a first round submission in the first two fights, and I figured we'd be back in DC within the hour. Wrong. Apparently I wasn't an expert yet.

The third match was a bout between two women, which would have made Title IX proud if the fight had received half of the attention that the ring girls were getting in between rounds. This was an interesting one because the underdog was horribly ugly, and the favorite was decent looking, plus you could see her underwear. Everyone loves an underdog, but doesn't everyone loves a hot chick even more? The women went three rounds of grind it out choke holds before a big upset for the uglier girl, but really everyone won since the hotter one spent most of the match with her red-pantied ass squished up against the fence. After that, a granola-y looking white boy who seemed to lack the bloodthirst I had determined was essential in winning, whooped the ass of a much fiercer looking guy. Apparently I wasn't an expert yet.

This marked the last match where we could be considered casual, estranged fans. We saw something we couldn't unsee, right in front of our faces, that would initiate us as MMA people. Fighter Ron Stalling's knee decimated Whisper Goodman's jaw and potentially lifetime motor skills. The knee met the jaw with uncanny crispness, and for a moment I was sure I had witnessed death. I was certain Whisper Goodman (a former Packer) was never getting back up. Ever. Apparently I wasn't an expert yet.

That click of his jaw and the thud of his momentarily lifeless body are sounds and images that are inescapable. It was surprisingly not like the highway crash you cant turn away from; we couldn't look as many (MANY!) trainers worked around him until he finally left.

In the meantime we are amusing ourselves as we sit behind a blogger for MMAOpinion.com who keeps minimizing his blog palette to reveal his laptop background screen of him and his wife posing prom-style in front of their Christmas tree. Laughter seemed to be the best medicine at the moment, unintentional comedy the maximum dosage. If you want to laugh more, check out our boy's recap of the event. And this guy had almost the highest credentials in the building.

The next couple fights were blurs, I was still a bit traumatized to watch attentively. We were also having fun discussing more unintentionally funny aspects of the night. In our discussion of entrance music we determined the best choice would be Steve Earle's "Way Down in the Hole", especially if you could immediately get the first high-hat cymbal notes of Blake Leyh's "The Fall" as soon as you finished off an opponent. Tell me that wouldn't get people to start taking you and your sport seriously. We also wondered about (read: made fun of) undercard wages, the evening's many sponsors, and the accuracy of the 6,248 attendance figure.

The co-main event matches lasted a combined three rounds (easy conversion- three yawns per round after the first) but the best fight of the night was the featherweight match, or as we called it, the jockey fight. Two men Kiefer Sutherland would have towered over were running and jumping and swinging away for three full rounds like a couple of hummingbirds pecking at each other. Our allegiances were originally with "The Pistol" because he entered to Sinatra's "My Way" but were quickly wooed by his opponent, "The Magician." I wish I could tell you it was due to his propensity for crazy jump punches and jump kicks, but those were just icing on the cake after he tweaked his nipples before the starting bell. What did we leave thinking? The MMA, its tweak-tastic!

Shaqtastic

I love Shaq, but there's no need for me to say it since I assume everyone in the world loves Shaq. I should have said we. He belongs on a list with Slumdog Millionaire, lobster tail, world peace, breasts, and money as things universally loved. Yesterday's NBA All Star Game serves as reason 1819 why Shaq is so great. If you didn't see it, Shaq, an All-Star reserve, was introduced with a scene bigger than any starter would ever have commanded. Check it out.

More about reason 1819: Today on PTI, Wilbon called it the greatest NBA All Star moment since Marvin Gaye's famous Star Spangled Banner in 1983. I have less history in my head than him, but couldn't agree more. Shaq can dance, like really dance, even better than he can dunk, rebound, act, joke, or rap. (Also it's a mahogany-smelling big deal because it made up for an atrocious All Star weekend. HORSE should have been euthanized like Eight Belles. The skills competition is contrived. The Dunk Contest lacks meaningful stars, relative creativity, and successful format.)

And I'm not just plugging up Shaq because I have a bunch of his rookie cards, which I really need to finally mature since my 401k couldn't buy a new pack of Upper Decks right now. If this truly was Shaq's final All Star performance, it was a final opus only a Big Diesel could have composed. The opening stanza of Jabberwocky dance would have been enough, but it was followed by a dunk-ridden, crescendo on the way to 17 points in 11 minutes. That culminated with the most important piece of all: one MVP stealing scene from Kobe Bryant. It was the basketball version of Scenes From an Italian Restaurant. He'll go out at the top (un-Favrian) like John Elway, Lou Gehrig's "Luckiest Man" speech, and the Christmas episode of the British Office.

The MVP timeshare between Kobe and Shaq was even more magnanimous due to the fact that Shaq publicly asked Kobe how his ass tasted last summer in an "impromptu" club rap. And then they were both holding a trophy as if it had never happened. This is the epitome of Shaq; he is so charismatic he could insinuate the debatably best player in the NBA knows the flavor of his butt and then months later stand toe to toe, arm in arm with the man without repercussion.

The Shaq list will likely go way past 1819 but I doubt any reason will ever surpass 1819 in quantity. How could it? But before I quit for the day, lets peruse some of 1819's predecessors...

#1- The first time I ever saw Shaq shatter a backboard... #22- The trivia of him being passed over on the Dream Team for Christian Laettner... #192- Shaq's rap CD, Shaq Diesel has a song that is still on my running mix (by the way he has five albums)... #341- Shaq starred in Blue Chips... #342- Shaq starred in Kazaam and then still landed other roles... #592- A method called 'Hack a Shaq' was created to minimize his dominance... #640- The Shaq-originated practice of watching the dunk contest with your camcorder and feigning shock and awe by falling on top of his neighbor upon every highlight... #718- Shaq was traded to Miami, promised a championship, and delivered it in two seasons... #719- Kobe never won a title without him... #913- During my junior year of college I asked Shaq a question in a postgame media scrum and he didn't treat it like a question from a 20 year old... #1045- Shaq's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm... #1269- Shaq's nickname fluidity: Big Daddy, Big Diesel, Big Cactus, Shaqtus, Shaq-Fu, etc... #1351- Shaq's utter dominance PR-wise over Kobe... #1407- Shaq became a volunteer sheriff in Florida and actually helped on a few arrests... #1516- Shaq had a huge circular bed on an episode of Cribs... #1602- The aforementioned Kobe rap... #1757- Shaq kills this commercial... #1812- Shaq unbelievable resurgence this season (17 pts 9 reb a game)

Celtics or Something Like Them

Everything you need to know about the Celtics you could have learned in the last three games. We lost at home to the Lakers in overtime, we beat the Knicks handily on the road, and we lost to the Spurs at home in the final minute. I don't want to get all Shaughnessy on you but if we expect the C's to match last years fate, we need to Obama this bitch, lets embrace change.

Two names that have been synonymous with the phrase "Celtics missing piece" have been Stephon Marbury and PJ Brown, but to me those pieces don't necessarily fit in this puzzle. Marbury is tumor, and while tumors can become benign, they are always tumors and potentially malignant at any turn(over). PJ Brown meanwhile is another year older, 39 going on 40, which is prime age for a bottle of scotch or a cougar at a bar, but not an NBA player. I think the years pile up on these athletes logarithmically like on golden retrievers or sweatpants and this last one year makes a big difference. Plus, isn't the PJ Brown desire is a one way street or wouldn't we have heard more refined scuttlebutt?

The two killer losses at home last week clearly demonstrated that we are missing the James Posey presence in all of its glory. On offense, his absence means Tony Allen gets wayyy too much playing time leading to a shot chart that looks like a game of Battleship. Defensively Posey's absence puts more pressure on Pierce, which. in turn, takes away from his offense. Tony Allen couldn't play in a James Posey cover band right now.

Anyway, we are going to have to get outside of the box and find some other applicants. The help wanted ad may look something like this:

2 Positions to be filled- One swingman who can spread the floor with a 15-23 foot jump shot and prior experience with defense or willingness to learn. One backup big man who can own post space on both ends of the floor and eat minutes when Perk and KG are in foul trouble.

Let's set a few rules for eligibility. We'll try to be realistic, in other words, the Celtics wont be a player in the Amare Stoudemire sweepstakes. The Lakers, Cavs, and Magic wont trade with the Celtics down the stretch, so I'm not considering any of their players. The Celtics have a huge payroll already so we can't eat a giant contract like Shawn Marion's. Here's a list of guys I'd have on my wish list if I was Danny Ainge:

• Jason Maxiell (PF-Det)- Maxiell is a bruiser who could improve from a defensive pep talk from KG. He's buried on the Pistons bench even behind Kwame Brown, the personal Mendoza line, even though Maxiell has produced for years.
• Andres Nocioni (SF-Chi)- A both sides of the ball help but carries a big paycheck owed. Not sure how to make the finances work, but the Bulls at the deadline are like that girl hanging around during last call, just waiting for someone to look at them the right way.
• Hakim Warrick (PF-Mem)- Warrick is defensive oriented, a big time shot changer, and shoots at a 47% clip. We wont be looking to him as an offense stud, but a reliable open shot maker.
• Eduardo Najera (SF-NJ)- Currently battling injury, but a veteran presence who can produce as a deep option on offense. Plus Wikipedia says he's known for his rebounding and defensive intensity, so you know it's gotta be true.
• Morris Peterson (SF-NO)- Another vet with an injury, but when healthy, a guy who can really contribute on offense. He has an unattractive contract, which could tempt the Hornets to send him packing.
• Tyson Chandler (C-NO)- His name is rumor-fodder at most deadlines because he still carries a deal-breaker contract. Last year's rejuvenation makes him desirable to man Celtics green, but at what price?
• Alando Tucker (SF-Phx)- A rookie smooth shooter, who the Suns are unlikely to give up on too quickly. He would help spread the floor on offense and hopefully could pick up defense from watching.
• Sergio Rodriguez (G-Por)- Kinda a wildcard here, but a good shooter who is frustrated with playing time. Again a young gun who is unlikely to be given up on so soon, and though the Celtics dont necessarily need another guard, this could be a nice spark.
• Channing Frye (PF-Por)- One year left at 3mil for a lifetime 45% shooter who can hit FTs and has experience, but never fit in with his teams. Now he's buried on the bench and is what we want Patrick O'Bryant to turn into.
• Matt Bonner (PF-San)- Nevermind, I'm still sick from seeing this GingerBalls light us up on Sunday.

Meanwhile, there's a chance the Celtics could fill a position in house: Bill Walker, the C's rookie out of Kansas State. We have the perfect opportunity to give him some burn at forward with KG and Ray in hopes of hastening his maturation. Meanwhile he has only played in seven games all year and doesn't even register as trade bait because no one has seen the kid. I dont think Ainge and Rivers know that one piece of the puzzle may lie under their noses. I'm endorsing Walker, Maxiell, Frye, and Rodriguez as the Celtics deadline targets. 

Goodbye Old Friend

This just not in: Scrubs stinks. Its terrible. It may not be the worst 30 minutes television has to offer (send thank you notes to "the can't be killed cockroach" Kath & Kim) but when I'm watching ABC from 9-10 on Tuesdays I feel like a Cheesehead watch Brett Favre this past year; its unrecognizable from its former self and has tarnished everything it had previously created.

Current day Scrubs is nothing that the old Scrubs used to be. Its not goofy or edgy, and its certainly not clever or innovative anymore. I've said it before but from 2001 when the show premiered until 2007 when the show died (or should have died a peaceful, respected death), Scrubs was the most enjoyable 30 minutes of television a week. Even now, having relished LOST, The Wire, and How I Met Your Mother, I do not waver about calling Scrubs, in its time, a masterpiece.

Success came from two places, the writing of the show and the entire ensemble cast. Everyone from Zach Braff to Sam Lloyd (who plays Ted, the lawyer) stood and delivered on a weekly basis. You cared about the plights of the headline characters as much as the fringe ones, but mostly they worked so well because of their cohesiveness (ala Friends). Seriously, I dare you to watch this episode (3 parts) from 2006 and tell me you've seen finer sitcom writing. This is my favorite episode of television ever, and nothing else you do for the next 22 minutes will be better. Now we seldom get the whole group together, and in this week's episode JD and Turk didn't have one scene together. Totally inexcusable.

Its sad to think that the same show I used to look forward to all week, is now down for the count, struggling for breath. Its uninspired, unfunny, and unaffecting, and the only thing it brings to the table is the occasional Sarah Chalke underwear shot. Sure there are tons of syndicated episodes daily to remind us of the good old days, but new Scrubs is Eight Belles down on the track at the Kentucky Derby; its Steve Martin in Pink Panther 2; its Brett Favre still not retired . I once really cared about the characters and their fates but now I just wish the show ended before next Tuesday, sparing further erosion, even if that means we never get an ending.

The Super (read: Mediocre) Bowl

While tonight's Super(ish) Bowl falls somewhere short of No Easy Way Out in Rocky IV in terms of inspirational, that doesn't mean it wont be a good game. Good offense versus great defense is potentially a great watch. I am not gonna break it down because A) I don't care too much B) The Cardinals are hard to predict C) There's five hours of pregame on ESPN and four more on NBC, but there are four things we can all look forward to today.

• Bruce Springsteen- While the excitement leading up to the Halftime performance always prevails over the actual act, The Boss has the potential to change all this. It was fun sending a bevy of Springsteen setlist predictions/analysis emails with friends like we were breaking down the newest LOST episode, but when Bruce takes the stage, his "12-minute party" should be the greatest non-football Super Bowl moment since Bono's American flag jacket in 2001 or Janet's nipple in 2003. For the record I'm thinking we get some mix of Born to Run, Rosalita, Glory Days, and Working on a Dream and if it were up to me it would be Rosalita, The Promised Land, Streets of Fire, and Born to Run.

• The Food- Last year and in other Patriots' Super Bowl's I am usually too nervous/focused to eat so on nights like tonight I can take some time to enjoy our spread. There's nothing better than football food and the only thing better than football food is lots of football food. Three years running I've brought out my A-game Buffalo Chicken Dip. It's the unofficial yellow line of Super Bowl food, I can't remember life before it. Also on the docket, our friend's killer Spinach-Artichoke dip, homemade potato skins, and rumors of "best chocolate chip cookies ever."

• John Madden- NBC has the game tonight which means we get Madden/Michaels doing the game. Two big things come with Madden: the obligatory Frank Caliendo Madden impressions and the memory of Madden's comical idea that the Patriots should have run out the clock and waited for overtime with 1:51 left in the 2001 Super Bowl.

• The Refreshing Lack of Girls- This is the Super Bowl and there's nothing worse than having to explain football rules, having to ask them to stop talking about whatever US Weekly has told them they must discuss at critical junctures of the game, or having to conceal burps, farts, profanity, or other football conducive man behaviors. Super Bowl is like men's Valentines Day, and the only gift we want is to be left alone to watch the game. Plus everytime you make a mistake and watch with girls, they end up winning the Super Bowl Boxes gambling game, that's karma.

• Some wildcards for the game today: Will Troy Polamalu get taken down by his hair? Will Larry Fitzgerald make more highlight reel catches? Will any Cardinal get McGahee'd by the Steelers D? Will my prop bets hold up (coin toss heads, no team will score three times in a row)? Will anyone's jersey at the party overshadow my Bud Bowl one? Will the 1 second Miller High Life commercials actually be worth it? Will any commercials break the two year void of good ads? Will people laugh at me if I show up with the 3-D glasses for Monsters vs. Aliens? How many times will I wonder if the Patriots would be in the Super Bowl if they were in the NFC?

Super Soft Media Day

At today's Super Bowl media day Chris Berman made tons of "whoop" noises, Rich Eisen tried to interview Hines Ward's knee, and Deion Sanders asked players about Deion Sanders. There was a salsa dancer, a 12-year old interviewer, and a height-off between the NFL's rumor-hoarding dwarfs Jay Glazer and Adam Schefter (Chris Mortenson confirmed this a half hour later). Basically no one learned anything and no one who wasn't participating had any fun, way to go NFL.

If you're a media member I know you cant ruffle feathers at this softball-fest, but why can't they ask good questions? For example:

To Ben Roethlisberger: If you guys win the Super Bowl again and you stink again, do you think you will still be revered with other two-time champion QB's? ...Which parts of your body don't hurt right now? ...Did you send Bernard Pollard a thank you note after week 1 or are you waiting until the season is over?

To Kurt Warner: Compliments on your wife growing her hair out; who has had more of a rejuvenated year, you or her? ...If you lose the Superbowl, does that mean God is a Steelers fan? ...Remember when you were benched for Eli Manning four years ago and now you could be consecutive QBs to win Superbowls, how crazy is that?

To Anquan Boldin: Are you jealous of Larry Fitzgerald lapping you in talent this year? ...How proud are you to be the most jacked player in the NFL? ...Have you packed up your Arizona home yet or are you waiting you officially sign somewhere else?

To Larry Fitzgerald: Do you realize how freaking high your stock is right now? ...You have singlehandedly made the Cardinals an almost respectable franchise, how proud are you? ...Do you always have the fear that Anquan Boldin could go Tonya Harding on at any moment? ...As a star receiver, how hard is it to not shoot yourself in the leg?

To Willie Parker: Can we all agree that its time for your bitterness towards UNC to end? ...Isn't the nickname "Fast" pretty lame? ...How many angry letters do you get from touchdown-less fantasy owners?

To Edgerrin James: How was your mid-season vacation and where did you go? ...Have you tried mentoring Tim Hightower this year or are you nervous of helping your competition? ...Did you grow your hair out so people wouldn't notice how gross your teeth are?

To Hines Ward: Do you demand the ball in the huddle of third downs and big plays or do you just get lucky? ...Didn't your offense used to be more interesting with Ken Whisenhunt calling plays? ...How do you mesh with a punk-ass like Santonio Holmes? ...You've already planned your Super Bowl Championship celebration world tour, haven't you?

To Mike Tomlin: Do you look so cool because you try hard or because you're black? ...Do you think Coach Whisenhunt hates seeing pictures of you and the Steelers like most people hate seeing pictures of the ex's with new flames? ...What have you actually done to make the team better since Bill Cowher left?

To Ken Whisenhunt: Seriously, how much do you hate the Steelers? ...Do you ever consider asking your players to take cheap shots on Ben and other old friends like the coach did in Mighty Ducks to Adam Banks? ...Did you tell your players to take off week 16 in Foxboro or does your team actually have the capability to suck that hard? ...If it were legal, would you take yourselves getting seven points?

To Matt Leinart: Do you cry when listening to Springsteen's Glory Days? ...Does being a bench warmer for a punchline franchise cut down on your ability to spit game on girls? ...When you play with the Cardinals in Madden, do you sub yourself in for Kurt? ...Aren't you kinda rooting for an injury so you can play Sunday? ...How quick can you funnel a beer?

The Snubbiest Oscar Snub of All

Leaving the Academy to decide awards for movies is like leaving Florida to decide a presidential election. This week I heard more about snubs than about acclaim for the nominees. Bruce's them for The Wrestler missing best song is downright offensive for two songs from Slumdog? I hate that Wall-E was left off the best picture list, like for the lack of live action, since it appeared on as many 2008 Top 10 lists as any other movie. Others feel that Leo, The Dark Knight, and The Wrestler were also given the Heisman (knee up, stiff armed) unjustly.

However those are just minor parole violations in comparison to Oscar's snubbiest snub this year, the omission of Young@Heart from the best documentary category. Usually I apply to the theory you can't tell me its not one of the five best if you haven't seen the others, but here's where I'm throwing my curveball, I have already seen one of the nominees. I saw Man on Wire, and am now motived to check out a couple more to prove myself right. MoW doesn't come close enough to Y@H to even sniff its old person smell. Anyway, there is very little to dislike about: It is relatable if you have or had grandparents its enjoyable if you like music, and its inspiring if you possess a heart. Kinda minimal pre-requisites.

Quick dummies guide to Y@H: Young @ Heart is the name of a chorus of extremely senior (is that any kinder than saying super old?) citizens in Northampton Massachusetts who live to sing and sing to live. Sounds cheesy and boring, I know. Here's the twist, they sing cool songs, popular music. Things like James Brown, Coldplay, The Ramones, Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix, Sonic Youth, and more. Try imagining your grandparents even knowing songs by all them. The documentary follows the chorus as they prepare new songs for an upcoming set of performances and deal with deteriorating health.

At different points, the film is funny, sweet, heartwarming, serious, and carefree. It works as a date movie better than another chick flick, its great on a lazy afternoon, and even goes well with a few friends and a few beers. The interviewer/producer may become a bit too involved and irritating but its easy to forget that with the corny old jokes from the corny old men and the not so innocent candor from the sweet old ladies. Y@H runs the gamut of emotions without becoming heavy or lengthy and by the end you almost consider visiting a grandparent (and that's saying something). And for my money, there may not be a better scene in film in 2008 than when the chorus visits the jail.

In the end, who cares about awards? Who can really name all of the past Oscar winners anyway? Those trophies probably end up in your parents attic with all of your old soccer participant trophies, right? Okay, maybe not, but if you want to do some cinematic justice, and you like movies that make you feel good, throw Young@Heart on your Netflix queue or take your first trip to Blockbuster in years and pick it up off a dusty shelf.